Wednesday, October 9, 2013
I'll Just Pour My Heart Out
I sometimes catch myself silently editing everything that I say and do so that people don't think I need "to talk to someone". I figured that after a while, everyone would eventually get tired of me going on and on about how much I miss Corey, how sad I am, etc. I stopped for OTHERS and I am not doing that anymore. I am still a mess. I hide it well and recently I realized, why in the heck am I hiding this? I was widowed at 24 and three months pregnant. I have every right in the world to be a mess for as long as I need to be. I am strong yes, this I know, but everyone is entitled to weak moments. Those weak moments are the only reason that I am able to put on a brave face and be strong. Don't just think, oh she's dating again, looks like it's going well, and write the situation off. Yes, I am dating Kevin. Yes things are going well. What people do not know is how many times I get upset with him because he is not doing something EXACTLY as Corey would. That is not fair to anyone and although I know it is most likely normal, he does not deserve it. He is extremely understanding though. He never gets mad about it, he just says he is sorry and he understands. Where he came from I have no idea but it amazes me. One night a few weeks ago I broke down and started crying (as I do often) and he sat and listened to me cry about Corey and go through the entire day leading up to the accident, the last time I saw him, and then when I got notified. He just sat there and listened. Two days ago I all of a sudden was in a frenzy to find my wedding video (the full length one, not the ten minute montage). I just NEEDED to see him laugh, see his mannerisms, see him look at me like he used to. I put it on and Kevin watched the entire thing with me. How many men would do that? I am very blessed to have such a great support system. If I am having a bad day, I can call my Sister in law or my Mother in law and know that if they can, they will talk to me and even cry with me. They are having a very hard time still as well. We don't show it anymore though. We view it as an "annoyance". But to us, everywhere we look, especially them still living in the house that Corey grew up in, we are reminded of him. I look at my daughter and she looks so much like him. When I hold her is the only time I feel close to complete again. I have been to many different psychiatrists and counselors and to be honest, I don't think that they can do anything to help me. It is something that needs to be open and healed, not something to put a bandaid over and hope it goes away. We are still lost. This is not only to let you know that this is how we feel, but for anyone who has lost someone. If you have a friend or family member that has lost someone, please do not just assume that they are "okay" because they seem that way in public. Us widows and grieving parents are practically trained professional actors. I miss my life, I miss my husband, I miss my friends out there in California. I miss my tiny apartment. But, because this is how things have to be, there is nothing I can do to change it, I am grateful for all of the people who are always there for me. I am sorry if I may have been a burden this past year. I am dealing with a lot and you are all angels for sticking around for my moodiness and my breakdowns. I love you all!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
A Year and a Half Later
.........I remember waking up and looking over at the empty side of the bed and turning to look at the alarm clock to see what time it was. It was 4:30am, and he was not snoring next to me where he was supposed to be. I remember sitting in my bed two hours later searching the internet for a news story that I prayed I wouldn't find, and in the midst of my search, the doorbell rang. Before it finished ringing, my whole body was shaking. I knew. I had exactly 5 seconds (the amount of time it would take me to walk from my bedroom to my front door) to pray it was Corey and his hands were too full to unlock the door, but somehow, I just knew. My hands were shaking and I just knew as I opened the door and saw the uniforms that my simple life would never ever be the same.
That day plays over and over in my head. Actually, not even the whole day. Just the part before I opened the door and right before they spoke the words "Mrs.Little, I regret to inform you that your husband was involved in a helicopter crash and has passed away." Then, it's like a switch goes off. Everything before that was a different life. When I think about the walk from my bedroom to the front door, even now, I get that shaky feeling and my heart starts racing. It is just like in the movies, which made it even more unbelievable. I waited a good six months before I decided that this was reality and stopped praying before I went to bed every night that tomorrow would be the morning that I woke up from the nightmare and whatever lesson there was that had to be learned, I learned it. I learned what was important. I learned how important seeing his smile every morning as he was kissing me bye was. I learned to truly appreciate everything he did for me, but it was too late for me to tell him thank you like I should have every single day. I know he knew it, but it's still nice to hear it.
A lot has changed these past 18 months. I am a Mom to a wonderful little girl who looks more and more like her Daddy every single day, I have a nice house, I have family near by, I am closer to my in-laws than I ever have been, and one change that is not as good as the others, I view the world differently. I usually am against putting my business all out there, especially about personal things but, it is my hope that this will help others in my situation. I went about a year and two months without actually talking to someone. I was in the car on the way to Atlanta in April and I knew that when I got there I was going to tell them that I had just started dating someone. I did not want to hide that from them because it would hurt even more if they found out from someone else. I made it just into Mississippi before all of a sudden I was short of breath, I was having chest pain, my entire left arm started hurting, and I thought, Oh my gosh, I am having a heart attack. I called my stepmother who was closest to where I was at the time and she met me at the nearest emergency room. They took my blood pressure, it was extremely high. Usually it is very low. They did chest x-rays, an EKG, a CAT scan, and lab work. They could not find anything. I automatically thought, no, they are missing something because I feel like I am about to die. The doctor suggested one more test just to be sure, so I got an Echocardiogram to be 100% sure that it had nothing to do with my heart. It came back perfect. So, they told me that I had anxiety. I laughed at first. I never actually viewed it as something "real". I thought people made that stuff up for attention or something and I sure as heck did not think it could cause insane physical symptoms like that. I continued on my search for months, thinking there had to be another explanation. Once I had that first attack, they kept coming for a while. I thought I had low iron so I took iron supplements, I thought I had a B-12 deficiency and took those vitamins, I had my thyroid and cholesterol levels checked. Everything came back fine. Finally I went to to the right kind of doctor, a counselor. I guess when you are 25 you never think about death or rare things happening and when death is just thrown in your face, it makes you look at your own mortality. He was here one day and gone the next, so now I know that things can happen. I guess it terrified me. I am still working on that. Still working on calming myself down. I need to ban myself from WebMD. I miss my care free self. I miss feeling healthy. I am getting a lot better as time goes on but, I am still on edge a lot. So, that being said, I need to keep things as stress free as possible. I am going to start doing things for me and my baby and if it makes me happy, I'm going to do it. No one else has to walk in my shoes so it really should not matter if they approve or not. If I do not start thinking that way, I will never be happy. I am trying my best to make the best of a horrible situation. Just because that happened should not mean that all the dreams I had for my life are impossible. No, they cannot include Corey, which is so heartbreaking for me, but I know in my heart of hearts he would be so happy for me, and so proud of me for how I am handling the situation. I have come to the conclusion that as long as I know he is proud of me and that he would approve, that is all that matters. He knew me best. Gosh do I miss him. I still talk to him, and I hope he listens. He has a lot of talking to do when I get there, because I have had a lot of one sided conversations this past year and a half but I know that he will be there with a smile on his face in many many years down the road when I see him again, and he will tell me everything that I have been wanting to hear. If you are a new widow, which I am friends with quite a few and it's so sad how many there are, the best advice I have for you is, stop thinking that you need to answer to everyone. You need to make yourself happy. You need only answer to your husband and you know what he would want for you. Everyone else gets to keep on living semi normal lives but you need to do what makes you happy because you know, like me, how very precious every single day of this life is. Make it count.
I love you Corey, forever and always. NOTHING will ever change that.
That day plays over and over in my head. Actually, not even the whole day. Just the part before I opened the door and right before they spoke the words "Mrs.Little, I regret to inform you that your husband was involved in a helicopter crash and has passed away." Then, it's like a switch goes off. Everything before that was a different life. When I think about the walk from my bedroom to the front door, even now, I get that shaky feeling and my heart starts racing. It is just like in the movies, which made it even more unbelievable. I waited a good six months before I decided that this was reality and stopped praying before I went to bed every night that tomorrow would be the morning that I woke up from the nightmare and whatever lesson there was that had to be learned, I learned it. I learned what was important. I learned how important seeing his smile every morning as he was kissing me bye was. I learned to truly appreciate everything he did for me, but it was too late for me to tell him thank you like I should have every single day. I know he knew it, but it's still nice to hear it.
A lot has changed these past 18 months. I am a Mom to a wonderful little girl who looks more and more like her Daddy every single day, I have a nice house, I have family near by, I am closer to my in-laws than I ever have been, and one change that is not as good as the others, I view the world differently. I usually am against putting my business all out there, especially about personal things but, it is my hope that this will help others in my situation. I went about a year and two months without actually talking to someone. I was in the car on the way to Atlanta in April and I knew that when I got there I was going to tell them that I had just started dating someone. I did not want to hide that from them because it would hurt even more if they found out from someone else. I made it just into Mississippi before all of a sudden I was short of breath, I was having chest pain, my entire left arm started hurting, and I thought, Oh my gosh, I am having a heart attack. I called my stepmother who was closest to where I was at the time and she met me at the nearest emergency room. They took my blood pressure, it was extremely high. Usually it is very low. They did chest x-rays, an EKG, a CAT scan, and lab work. They could not find anything. I automatically thought, no, they are missing something because I feel like I am about to die. The doctor suggested one more test just to be sure, so I got an Echocardiogram to be 100% sure that it had nothing to do with my heart. It came back perfect. So, they told me that I had anxiety. I laughed at first. I never actually viewed it as something "real". I thought people made that stuff up for attention or something and I sure as heck did not think it could cause insane physical symptoms like that. I continued on my search for months, thinking there had to be another explanation. Once I had that first attack, they kept coming for a while. I thought I had low iron so I took iron supplements, I thought I had a B-12 deficiency and took those vitamins, I had my thyroid and cholesterol levels checked. Everything came back fine. Finally I went to to the right kind of doctor, a counselor. I guess when you are 25 you never think about death or rare things happening and when death is just thrown in your face, it makes you look at your own mortality. He was here one day and gone the next, so now I know that things can happen. I guess it terrified me. I am still working on that. Still working on calming myself down. I need to ban myself from WebMD. I miss my care free self. I miss feeling healthy. I am getting a lot better as time goes on but, I am still on edge a lot. So, that being said, I need to keep things as stress free as possible. I am going to start doing things for me and my baby and if it makes me happy, I'm going to do it. No one else has to walk in my shoes so it really should not matter if they approve or not. If I do not start thinking that way, I will never be happy. I am trying my best to make the best of a horrible situation. Just because that happened should not mean that all the dreams I had for my life are impossible. No, they cannot include Corey, which is so heartbreaking for me, but I know in my heart of hearts he would be so happy for me, and so proud of me for how I am handling the situation. I have come to the conclusion that as long as I know he is proud of me and that he would approve, that is all that matters. He knew me best. Gosh do I miss him. I still talk to him, and I hope he listens. He has a lot of talking to do when I get there, because I have had a lot of one sided conversations this past year and a half but I know that he will be there with a smile on his face in many many years down the road when I see him again, and he will tell me everything that I have been wanting to hear. If you are a new widow, which I am friends with quite a few and it's so sad how many there are, the best advice I have for you is, stop thinking that you need to answer to everyone. You need to make yourself happy. You need only answer to your husband and you know what he would want for you. Everyone else gets to keep on living semi normal lives but you need to do what makes you happy because you know, like me, how very precious every single day of this life is. Make it count.
I love you Corey, forever and always. NOTHING will ever change that.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
What we widows really think....
I am sorry for how all over the place this post is going to be. I have not written in quite a while and decided that it was time. A lot has been happening lately! Corey Ann is crawling extremely fast, she is into everything, she can stand up and scoot around a coffee table and such, she has three teeth at the bottom and two almost out at the top, and she goes around saying "Mamamama" all day everyday. In the Mommy department you could say things are going extremely well! But, I will say honestly that in the grief department, things are not as well as I would like. At this point I have been to two TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) seminars and a widows retreat. One thing that I have heard over and over is that the second year is almost harder than the first. I never really understood how that could be until now.
The first year I was able to control my emotions pretty well. I think it was a combination of shock and me trying so very hard to always be strong. I have come to the conclusion though, that at some point our bodies just decide, okay, enough is enough, we need to deal with this. When that point comes, you cannot control it. It feels like Corey was just here and that he has been gone for so so long all at the same time. Pretty crazy stuff.
Now, I am sure that everyone to some extent "fabricates" their Facebook. If we all put EVERYTHING we thought on Facebook not only would we probably annoy everyone and most likely offend some people, but we wouldn't be able to make everyone believe that our lives are so stinking perfect like we try so hard to show that they are on Facebook. I do this too. "Look at Corey Ann and I laughing and playing!!! She's so perfect" (which she totally is but that is beside the point). Now, if I wrote "Oh my goodness, Corey Ann would not go to sleep until two AM and she was crying and I was crying and then she pooped and it got all over me....then I cried some more and stomped my feet like a two year old because I am tired of being an adult and just want to go to sleep", people would gasp! (No one likes a complainer) lol. I will be brutally honest here, it would be very upsetting to read my real thoughts. But, I need an outlet so here they are.
I am in a relationship as everyone can see. Actually, things are going very well! We have been together almost six months and he is very understanding and patient. He adores Corey Ann and she loves him. He helps me around my house and even changes her dirty diapers sometimes (if you are a Mom, you know just how awesome that is). I am happy with him. Now, does that mean that I don't miss Corey? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I am still 100% in love with my husband. It is honestly the weirdest thing that I have ever experienced. I am with Kevin and we are doing great but I know for a fact (which is a good thing in my eyes) that I will always love Corey and miss him like crazy. We went to Pensacola, FL recently and I started to tear up whenever I saw a sign for Pensacola Naval Air Station. Corey was there for three months while he was training and I would drive out every single weekend and see him. All of the road signs and movie theaters and malls got to me. I sat and wished, let me please go back to that simple time. I still cry, actually now more than I did because I can't hold back anymore. I get so upset when Corey Ann does something new and once again, he is not here to see it. I will never get to see his amazing smile when he sees her smile at him. I am sad for myself because I don't have my perfect little family like I wanted to with the Mommy and Daddy and three kids and a cute little house with a nice big mortgage and a big SUV and we go on trips to visit Grandma and so on and so forth. I also get sad for Corey. He missed out on so much. This is not "Poor Nicole". In my eyes, it's "Poor Corey" because he doesn't get to be here with us where he should be. He missed out on raising his amazing little girl. That, to me, is so so horrible. She got cheated. He would have been such an amazing Dad.
I guess what I am trying to get across here is this. Grief is hard. Everything that goes along with it is hard. People who are grieving, unless they just cannot find another way of coping, will usually not let you know just how horrible they feel or how hard it really is. That is for their benefit as much as yours. When I started this "journey" every time someone saw me they got this sad look on their face. I used to just call it "the look". It was the "oh you poor thing I have no idea what I would do if that happened to me" look. I hated that look. I would rather some girl I've never met give me a nasty look from across the room than have someone give me "the look". So, I eventually started putting on the "I'm fine" face so I would not have to console people around me. It gets exhausting. Not only am I worried about myself and how I am feeling, I am always worried about upsetting or hurting other people's feelings. Corey's family is so so important to me. I would not have made it through the last year and a half without them. I have every intention of making sure that they get to see their grand daughter as much as possible because I know Corey would have wanted that and I love them as well. They make me feel closer to him. The problem comes in when I add another person to the mix. Every time I post something on Facebook or talk about Kevin to them, I worry about how it will make them feel. But, on the contrary, I cannot very well "hide" my relationship with Kevin either because that is not fair to him at all. So, my life is a constant balancing act. I am trying my best to make it all work! I wish there was a rulebook for this situation.
Another new development is that I have begun to get a little "bitter" about things. I am pretty sure it is a part of the grieving process but frankly, I wish it would go away. I have started wondering lately, what is the point of life? (Not in a "I don't want to live anymore" way AT ALL). More in a, I want to know the reason for all of this. Which, I'm sure everyone else does as well at some point or another. My Mom answered the question with, "To spend time with those you love and create lasting and good memories". In which I responded,"Why? So one day I can attend their funeral?". It's a sad way to look at things and I'm pretty sure it is just a phase but, this whole situation has shaken me to my core. I do not look at the world the same way I used to. In some ways that's good but mostly, it made me worry more, and have a reason to question my faith and my purpose. I used to look at the world with such hope. I used to believe that anything good could happen, all of my wildest dreams could come true. Now, I worry that every bad thing that can happen, will, and that all of my nightmares will come true. Grief sucks.
I am just going to go with what I have been saying all along. The best way, I think, for me to help myself and feel that I have a purpose is to help others. I love volunteering and helping others, especially girls who are just starting this awful journey. Would I have been able to do that before? Probably not. Maybe that is my purpose. I did not know how very precious love and life were before and I am a better person for having learned those lessons but, I sure do miss the optimistic, fun loving, worry free Nicole that I used to be......maybe with enough time and me feeling good about helping others and raising my baby girl, I'll find her again.
The first year I was able to control my emotions pretty well. I think it was a combination of shock and me trying so very hard to always be strong. I have come to the conclusion though, that at some point our bodies just decide, okay, enough is enough, we need to deal with this. When that point comes, you cannot control it. It feels like Corey was just here and that he has been gone for so so long all at the same time. Pretty crazy stuff.
Now, I am sure that everyone to some extent "fabricates" their Facebook. If we all put EVERYTHING we thought on Facebook not only would we probably annoy everyone and most likely offend some people, but we wouldn't be able to make everyone believe that our lives are so stinking perfect like we try so hard to show that they are on Facebook. I do this too. "Look at Corey Ann and I laughing and playing!!! She's so perfect" (which she totally is but that is beside the point). Now, if I wrote "Oh my goodness, Corey Ann would not go to sleep until two AM and she was crying and I was crying and then she pooped and it got all over me....then I cried some more and stomped my feet like a two year old because I am tired of being an adult and just want to go to sleep", people would gasp! (No one likes a complainer) lol. I will be brutally honest here, it would be very upsetting to read my real thoughts. But, I need an outlet so here they are.
I am in a relationship as everyone can see. Actually, things are going very well! We have been together almost six months and he is very understanding and patient. He adores Corey Ann and she loves him. He helps me around my house and even changes her dirty diapers sometimes (if you are a Mom, you know just how awesome that is). I am happy with him. Now, does that mean that I don't miss Corey? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I am still 100% in love with my husband. It is honestly the weirdest thing that I have ever experienced. I am with Kevin and we are doing great but I know for a fact (which is a good thing in my eyes) that I will always love Corey and miss him like crazy. We went to Pensacola, FL recently and I started to tear up whenever I saw a sign for Pensacola Naval Air Station. Corey was there for three months while he was training and I would drive out every single weekend and see him. All of the road signs and movie theaters and malls got to me. I sat and wished, let me please go back to that simple time. I still cry, actually now more than I did because I can't hold back anymore. I get so upset when Corey Ann does something new and once again, he is not here to see it. I will never get to see his amazing smile when he sees her smile at him. I am sad for myself because I don't have my perfect little family like I wanted to with the Mommy and Daddy and three kids and a cute little house with a nice big mortgage and a big SUV and we go on trips to visit Grandma and so on and so forth. I also get sad for Corey. He missed out on so much. This is not "Poor Nicole". In my eyes, it's "Poor Corey" because he doesn't get to be here with us where he should be. He missed out on raising his amazing little girl. That, to me, is so so horrible. She got cheated. He would have been such an amazing Dad.
I guess what I am trying to get across here is this. Grief is hard. Everything that goes along with it is hard. People who are grieving, unless they just cannot find another way of coping, will usually not let you know just how horrible they feel or how hard it really is. That is for their benefit as much as yours. When I started this "journey" every time someone saw me they got this sad look on their face. I used to just call it "the look". It was the "oh you poor thing I have no idea what I would do if that happened to me" look. I hated that look. I would rather some girl I've never met give me a nasty look from across the room than have someone give me "the look". So, I eventually started putting on the "I'm fine" face so I would not have to console people around me. It gets exhausting. Not only am I worried about myself and how I am feeling, I am always worried about upsetting or hurting other people's feelings. Corey's family is so so important to me. I would not have made it through the last year and a half without them. I have every intention of making sure that they get to see their grand daughter as much as possible because I know Corey would have wanted that and I love them as well. They make me feel closer to him. The problem comes in when I add another person to the mix. Every time I post something on Facebook or talk about Kevin to them, I worry about how it will make them feel. But, on the contrary, I cannot very well "hide" my relationship with Kevin either because that is not fair to him at all. So, my life is a constant balancing act. I am trying my best to make it all work! I wish there was a rulebook for this situation.
Another new development is that I have begun to get a little "bitter" about things. I am pretty sure it is a part of the grieving process but frankly, I wish it would go away. I have started wondering lately, what is the point of life? (Not in a "I don't want to live anymore" way AT ALL). More in a, I want to know the reason for all of this. Which, I'm sure everyone else does as well at some point or another. My Mom answered the question with, "To spend time with those you love and create lasting and good memories". In which I responded,"Why? So one day I can attend their funeral?". It's a sad way to look at things and I'm pretty sure it is just a phase but, this whole situation has shaken me to my core. I do not look at the world the same way I used to. In some ways that's good but mostly, it made me worry more, and have a reason to question my faith and my purpose. I used to look at the world with such hope. I used to believe that anything good could happen, all of my wildest dreams could come true. Now, I worry that every bad thing that can happen, will, and that all of my nightmares will come true. Grief sucks.
I am just going to go with what I have been saying all along. The best way, I think, for me to help myself and feel that I have a purpose is to help others. I love volunteering and helping others, especially girls who are just starting this awful journey. Would I have been able to do that before? Probably not. Maybe that is my purpose. I did not know how very precious love and life were before and I am a better person for having learned those lessons but, I sure do miss the optimistic, fun loving, worry free Nicole that I used to be......maybe with enough time and me feeling good about helping others and raising my baby girl, I'll find her again.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Not Moving On....Moving Forward
I have contemplated a lot about whether or not I should write this blog post. I finally came to the decision that, although I don't "owe" anyone an explanation, I will share this with everyone anyway.
I spent the last year being the most upset, distraught, and lost as I have ever been in my life and hopefully will never feel that way again. As time went on I would have a good day every now and then only to be left feeling guilty for not having a day where I cried all day. To be honest, and for those who have had to grieve the loss of someone extremely close to them will know this, grief is exhausting and very overwhelming. So is always worrying about whether or not you are doing it right. Truth is, there is no correct or incorrect way to grieve. There is no timeline, there is not a rulebook. If there was, I would follow it to a T. But, I am doing this blindly and I will say, I am trying my very best.
One thing I have struggled with a lot, which I wish I did not, is always worrying about what others think of me. I have come to learn after getting to know other young widows like myself that it is quite normal to worry about that. I always feel that every move I make is being judged by someone. I need to stop worrying about that and worry about my own happiness. If not, I will drive myself crazy. I will preface what I am about to say with this. I love Corey and will love him for the rest of my life. Nothing will ever change that and as long as I know that, that's all that matters.
I have recently started dating someone. To even write that sentence freaks me out because I know that soon, it will be read by someone who didn't know and I am honestly afraid of what people will think. Should I be? Absolutely not. Doesn't change the fact that I am. I think though that 1. Corey would want me to move "forward" and to be happy and 2. I had an extremely hard year and few months and I deserve to be happy. As much as it pains me to say, I could wait a year, two, five, ten, to start dating and no matter how long I wait or what I do or don't do, Corey cannot come back.
I am only 25 so why shouldn't I get to live a full life? Like I said, I think that Corey would want that for me. In fact he told me he did when we had the "what if something ever happened to me" conversation while he was gearing up to deploy. I always swore I would never ever be with anyone else. I told him I would be a cat lady and never get out of bed but, that is simply not realistic. Also, I always imagined that if something were to ever happen to one of us, it would be when we were much older, not 24 and 25. I will continue to love him and honor him as long as I live though. I will continue to be a huge part of the Little family no matter what happens in my life, they are still my family. I will always do runs and anything else I can in honor of him. I just do not think that I should have to be alone forever to "prove" to some people that I still love my late husband. I do hope that things work out with this guy. He is extremely sweet, very sensitive to the situation, has a lot of respect for Corey, and is great with Corey Ann.
I got the courage to write this blog, as well as tell Corey's family about me being with someone, from talking it out with tons of other widows. I want to say thank you to all of you for giving me the strength to do it. I was terrified of making people upset with me. Now I know, and hope, that people just want the best for me. Thank you also to everyone who has been there for me for the past year and 2 months. You have no idea how much it means to me to have such amazing people in my life!! I love you all!!
I spent the last year being the most upset, distraught, and lost as I have ever been in my life and hopefully will never feel that way again. As time went on I would have a good day every now and then only to be left feeling guilty for not having a day where I cried all day. To be honest, and for those who have had to grieve the loss of someone extremely close to them will know this, grief is exhausting and very overwhelming. So is always worrying about whether or not you are doing it right. Truth is, there is no correct or incorrect way to grieve. There is no timeline, there is not a rulebook. If there was, I would follow it to a T. But, I am doing this blindly and I will say, I am trying my very best.
One thing I have struggled with a lot, which I wish I did not, is always worrying about what others think of me. I have come to learn after getting to know other young widows like myself that it is quite normal to worry about that. I always feel that every move I make is being judged by someone. I need to stop worrying about that and worry about my own happiness. If not, I will drive myself crazy. I will preface what I am about to say with this. I love Corey and will love him for the rest of my life. Nothing will ever change that and as long as I know that, that's all that matters.
I have recently started dating someone. To even write that sentence freaks me out because I know that soon, it will be read by someone who didn't know and I am honestly afraid of what people will think. Should I be? Absolutely not. Doesn't change the fact that I am. I think though that 1. Corey would want me to move "forward" and to be happy and 2. I had an extremely hard year and few months and I deserve to be happy. As much as it pains me to say, I could wait a year, two, five, ten, to start dating and no matter how long I wait or what I do or don't do, Corey cannot come back.
I am only 25 so why shouldn't I get to live a full life? Like I said, I think that Corey would want that for me. In fact he told me he did when we had the "what if something ever happened to me" conversation while he was gearing up to deploy. I always swore I would never ever be with anyone else. I told him I would be a cat lady and never get out of bed but, that is simply not realistic. Also, I always imagined that if something were to ever happen to one of us, it would be when we were much older, not 24 and 25. I will continue to love him and honor him as long as I live though. I will continue to be a huge part of the Little family no matter what happens in my life, they are still my family. I will always do runs and anything else I can in honor of him. I just do not think that I should have to be alone forever to "prove" to some people that I still love my late husband. I do hope that things work out with this guy. He is extremely sweet, very sensitive to the situation, has a lot of respect for Corey, and is great with Corey Ann.
I got the courage to write this blog, as well as tell Corey's family about me being with someone, from talking it out with tons of other widows. I want to say thank you to all of you for giving me the strength to do it. I was terrified of making people upset with me. Now I know, and hope, that people just want the best for me. Thank you also to everyone who has been there for me for the past year and 2 months. You have no idea how much it means to me to have such amazing people in my life!! I love you all!!
Friday, February 1, 2013
A Year in Review
I have had a lot that I felt I have had to get out these past few days. As February 1st got closer and closer I started to get more and more nervous about how I would feel about the one year anniversary of Corey's passing coming up. I feel the need to warn you that this post will not be a pleasant one, but I just need to vent. So, please don't read any further if you are not sure that you can handle it.
This past year I have done a lot of things that I had never imagined having to do, ever, much less at age 24. When I should have been at an appointment with my husband that we scheduled so that we could find out the sex of our baby together, I was being handed a piece of paper stating what remains of my husband was found and it's condition. (The absolute worst moment of my life after being notified he was gone). Instead of going out to Babies R Us and picking out things for our little girl, I had to pick out my husband's casket. I had to fill out paper after paper and read "deceased" over and over again. I had to make decisions, some really hard ones. I had to tour multiple cemeteries, decide if I wanted the option or not to be able to be buried next to him when the time came, plan a funeral, and everything that goes along with that. I had to get dressed up and attend my husband's funeral. I faced people who did not know what to say to me, and the ones I did speak with, I cannot remember what was said. I felt like I was in a nightmare and no matter how many times I pinched myself (and at one point even slapped) I was not going to wake up from it.
I never thought that I was capable of any of that, much less going through labor knowing he was not ever coming back, bringing our daughter to a house that he would never live in, and being a single Mom. In that respect, I have actually amazed myself. Corey used to always tell me I was a strong person and I never believed him. I guess I am proving him right. There is a difference though, between being strong and being alright. I am strong, yes, but I am not alright. I do what I need to. I take good care of my little girl, I pay my bills, I function. I also cry, a lot. I can never tell anymore when I am going to but some days are worse than others. Am I doing better than I was a little less than a year ago? Well, yes and no. See after I was notified and for quite a long time after I was still in complete shock. I simply could not grasp the fact that I, Nicole Little, at the age of 24, had fallen madly in love, gotten married to the man of my dreams, got pregnant, and before we had very much time to be excited about the pregnancy, my husband died. It is not something that comes easily and to be honest, I simply could not believe it. Maybe I went crazy for a little while. Maybe my body did that so that I could have a safe pregnancy. Grief never gets easier, it just gets different. Does it sting as much as it used to? No. If you kept getting hit in the same spot for a year, the damage would be there, but you would be numb. That is how I feel. Like I said though, I amaze myself every single day. I cannot believe that I am able to do the things that I am doing. I always swore I would be one of those people that gave up on life and never got out of bed if anything were to happen to my Corey but, when it comes down to it, (as one of my friends who has been through this too said) that is not realistic, and Corey would not want that for me. At the end of this month I will be doing a run in memory of Corey in Disney World. It will be a hard day but I am doing something that I can feel good about.
All I want for my life is to make Corey proud. I want to help people, be a great Mom, put others first, and stay positive. Will it be hard? Extremely. Will I get discouraged and fall apart sometimes? Definitely. But, I will do it, and I will give it all I've got. I want to live a life worthy of what he had to sacrifice, and I have already come further than I ever imagined I could.
I never thought that I was capable of any of that, much less going through labor knowing he was not ever coming back, bringing our daughter to a house that he would never live in, and being a single Mom. In that respect, I have actually amazed myself. Corey used to always tell me I was a strong person and I never believed him. I guess I am proving him right. There is a difference though, between being strong and being alright. I am strong, yes, but I am not alright. I do what I need to. I take good care of my little girl, I pay my bills, I function. I also cry, a lot. I can never tell anymore when I am going to but some days are worse than others. Am I doing better than I was a little less than a year ago? Well, yes and no. See after I was notified and for quite a long time after I was still in complete shock. I simply could not grasp the fact that I, Nicole Little, at the age of 24, had fallen madly in love, gotten married to the man of my dreams, got pregnant, and before we had very much time to be excited about the pregnancy, my husband died. It is not something that comes easily and to be honest, I simply could not believe it. Maybe I went crazy for a little while. Maybe my body did that so that I could have a safe pregnancy. Grief never gets easier, it just gets different. Does it sting as much as it used to? No. If you kept getting hit in the same spot for a year, the damage would be there, but you would be numb. That is how I feel. Like I said though, I amaze myself every single day. I cannot believe that I am able to do the things that I am doing. I always swore I would be one of those people that gave up on life and never got out of bed if anything were to happen to my Corey but, when it comes down to it, (as one of my friends who has been through this too said) that is not realistic, and Corey would not want that for me. At the end of this month I will be doing a run in memory of Corey in Disney World. It will be a hard day but I am doing something that I can feel good about.
All I want for my life is to make Corey proud. I want to help people, be a great Mom, put others first, and stay positive. Will it be hard? Extremely. Will I get discouraged and fall apart sometimes? Definitely. But, I will do it, and I will give it all I've got. I want to live a life worthy of what he had to sacrifice, and I have already come further than I ever imagined I could.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
California
Corey Ann and I just got back from our trip to California. I originally put the trip off a few times before booking it because to be honest, I was not sure how I would handle it. The last time I was there was the hardest time of my life, and before that, the best times of my life. Facing all of those memories again was going to be hard.
The last things I remember from being there before I left were this. Being notified of the worst news of my life while sitting on the same couch that Corey and I had been cuddling and watching TV on only hours earlier. Having friends come and go in and out of my apartment as I just sat there, which to be honest, I don't remember very much of. Going to the doctor to make sure that the baby was ok because of all of the stress I was under. Getting sick which, in any other normal pregnancy I would say it was morning sickness but, the only time I ever got sick during my entire pregnancy was the week that Corey died. I remember going to the memorial at Corey's Squadron for all of the Marines involved in the accident, Corey getting his name on the memorial wall, and walking out of the squadron thinking, the last time I was walking through these doors, we were laughing and saying "See you at home". I remember deciding to have movers come and pack up my apartment on the same day that I was getting on a plane so that I did not have to go through all of our stuff and pick up the pieces of the life I had built. California was the last place I felt the world was a great place, the last place I felt secure, and the last place I felt like myself. Going to see all of the people and places that Corey and I used to go and see was difficult to say the least. Driving down the 5 and the 78 toward San Marcos from Camp Pendleton was hard. Every exit I passed and store I saw held a memory of us. I cried the entire time on 78. Looking around thinking, we used to eat there, I used to drag him into that mall all of the time, we loved going there, we had date night there. I begged and begged God to let the world change around me as I drove. Let me still be pregnant and let me be driving back to our apartment where he was waiting for me. I'd give anything, I swore. I promised I would do things differently, not that I did anything I regret, but that I would make sure I never wasted a minute of time with him, I would let him know just how much I adored him and everything he did, I would love him like no one has ever been loved before, and I would make a difference in the world. Just let me be driving home I begged. But, that didn't happen. The world is not like that, and it stung even more.
I saw a lot of our friends and it was good to see them, just as it was hard. Everyone has continued living their lives, the life I was supposed to be living right now with Corey. I visited the squadron and saw all of the guys my husband worked with. They were all happy to see the baby. I had lunches and dinners with friends that were great. Everyone was so happy to see (and say) just how much she looks like Corey. I had dinner with another wife whose husband was one of the ones who died with Corey and it was helpful. I also had lunch with a fellow widow and it was so very nice talking to someone who understood and had been in my shoes and to see where she is in her grief and her life now. I did a lot of things that were good for my grief, as hard as it was.
As we come up on the one year anniversary of the accident (which seems crazy to me) things will get harder. I sometimes sit and wonder how I have made it through these past 11 months and that I cannot believed I survived a year in a world that Corey is not in anymore. I will forever miss our simple life we lived in California. I loved it so much. No matter how many times we had to watch our spending to make sure we could make it to the next paycheck, how many times he got unexpectedly called into work, and how far we were from the rest of our family, I would trade everything in this world, even the ability to live the rest of my life, for one more month, week, day, or even hour with Corey. Those were the good times. He was my everything. I love you Corey. Thank you for showing me what happy was, and for showing me how to be the person I am today. You were and always will be my strength, and the reason I try to be the best person and Mom I can be. Thank you forever.....
The last things I remember from being there before I left were this. Being notified of the worst news of my life while sitting on the same couch that Corey and I had been cuddling and watching TV on only hours earlier. Having friends come and go in and out of my apartment as I just sat there, which to be honest, I don't remember very much of. Going to the doctor to make sure that the baby was ok because of all of the stress I was under. Getting sick which, in any other normal pregnancy I would say it was morning sickness but, the only time I ever got sick during my entire pregnancy was the week that Corey died. I remember going to the memorial at Corey's Squadron for all of the Marines involved in the accident, Corey getting his name on the memorial wall, and walking out of the squadron thinking, the last time I was walking through these doors, we were laughing and saying "See you at home". I remember deciding to have movers come and pack up my apartment on the same day that I was getting on a plane so that I did not have to go through all of our stuff and pick up the pieces of the life I had built. California was the last place I felt the world was a great place, the last place I felt secure, and the last place I felt like myself. Going to see all of the people and places that Corey and I used to go and see was difficult to say the least. Driving down the 5 and the 78 toward San Marcos from Camp Pendleton was hard. Every exit I passed and store I saw held a memory of us. I cried the entire time on 78. Looking around thinking, we used to eat there, I used to drag him into that mall all of the time, we loved going there, we had date night there. I begged and begged God to let the world change around me as I drove. Let me still be pregnant and let me be driving back to our apartment where he was waiting for me. I'd give anything, I swore. I promised I would do things differently, not that I did anything I regret, but that I would make sure I never wasted a minute of time with him, I would let him know just how much I adored him and everything he did, I would love him like no one has ever been loved before, and I would make a difference in the world. Just let me be driving home I begged. But, that didn't happen. The world is not like that, and it stung even more.
I saw a lot of our friends and it was good to see them, just as it was hard. Everyone has continued living their lives, the life I was supposed to be living right now with Corey. I visited the squadron and saw all of the guys my husband worked with. They were all happy to see the baby. I had lunches and dinners with friends that were great. Everyone was so happy to see (and say) just how much she looks like Corey. I had dinner with another wife whose husband was one of the ones who died with Corey and it was helpful. I also had lunch with a fellow widow and it was so very nice talking to someone who understood and had been in my shoes and to see where she is in her grief and her life now. I did a lot of things that were good for my grief, as hard as it was.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
New Year
Last year on New Years day was one of the happiest days ever. Corey and I were at his parents house in Georgia for the holidays and I woke up before him. Right when I opened my eyes I for some reason decided to go take a pregnancy test. I had taken 2 the week before but, was hoping that maybe it was just too early to tell and maybe, just maybe it would be positive this time. I tiptoed passed him and went to take it. I waited the whole 2 or 3 minutes it says to take it and then looked. My heart sunk at first glance. I thought it was negative again. We were so ready and although we had just started trying two weeks before, I guess I was hoping it was just meant to be. Well I picked it up off of the counter and in the light saw an extremely faint line. I just stared at it for a minute and then pulled out the paper that explained how these things worked. Up until that point I was not even sure exactly where that second line was supposed to show up and this time it was as if I could see where it was supposed to be, but it was not visible at first glance. The paper said that any line at all indicated pregnancy. I suddenly smiled. I knew it had to have been early, possibly the very first few hours I would have been able to tell anyway, but there it was, a positive. I threw the tiptoing out of the door at that point and ran into the bedroom, flipped on the light, and said. "Corey, can you come in here for a second?" (very calmly so he would not know exactly why yet). He slowly got up out of bed with a "seriously baby, it's vacation and it's 7am" face on but, he came without complaint. I picked up the test and showed him and he just smiled and started rubbing my back. His face was so cute. He had this "well, we did it" look. I will never forget it. He looked so content, and I was too. We told his parents that day and they were excited too. His Dad called me "Little Momma" the rest of the trip. We asked his brother to be the Godfather and he then started telling people "jokingly" to call him "The Godfather", haha. We went home to California a few days later and went to the doctor to confirm it. I was a mess hoping that the test was not wrong and so he got off of work that day early to meet me at the doctor's office. The doctor came into the room and said immediately, "Well Mrs.Little, it looks like you're going to be a Mom". We both smiled and went out to eat to celebrate....................
This New Years Day I woke up, bought flowers, and drove up to the cemetery to visit Corey's grave. Never in a million years would I have thought last year, when we were so happy about starting our family and having the first of hopefully three kids that this year I would be going to a National Cemetery to visit him. It's unfair. It's scary. It's eye opening. No one can escape it. You never know when it will happen. We were just starting out. That was just the beginning for us, or so we thought.
I have been non stop since the accident last February. Idle time is not good for me. I have too much time to think, and frankly, feel sorry for myself. I hate it. So, I stay busy, travel, do anything to keep my mind off of it. I think that may have hurt me though. Last year I attended a Seminar in Washington DC for Military Survivors and one thing that a speaker said that sat with me was that you can never escape grief. You can put it off for days, months, years, but one day it will come back and you will have to deal with it. That is so true. I used to have a problem crying in front of people because I did not want anyone to be uncomfortable around me, not know what to say, or just avoid me entirely so, I hid my feelings. That is becoming harder and harder to do and I think it's because I've bottled it up too long. I cry in front of people now which is weird for me but the tears just come out, I cannot even help it. I cannot believe that in almost a month it will have been a year since my Corey was alive last. A whole year. I miss him, whole heartedly, longingly, hopelessly miss him. I need him in my life. I buy things to remember him by almost once a month, earrings, a "C" charm to put onto my necklace that I wear. The same necklace that Corey gave me the first year we were married. I did not wear it everyday but when I did his whole face would light up and he would say how happy it made him when I wore it. I have not taken it off since February 22.
New Years day was not the only time during the holidays that I went to visit Corey. We went on Christmas Day too. I broke down in the car on the way into the cemetery. That morning I remembered thinking I was cold so I went and turned the heater on and then it hit me, I'm warm and cozy.....and as aweful as it sounds, he was not. He would never be again, and it was not fair. I remember telling my Mom on Christmas Eve when she asked what our plans for Christmas was, I said, "Oh, you know, just what every 25 year old wants to do on Christmas day, going to visit my husband's grave". She was not quite sure how to respond to that but that was my fault. I need to not be so bitter.
I do not know what this new year brings but, I hope it is better than last year. It's hard for me to say that 2012 was a terrible year as a whole because I had Corey Ann. I just hope that this year is a little easier.
I kept wondering what I was going to do with my life now. I knew what I wanted before but, that cannot happen anymore. I started to realize that the best way to make myself feel better is to help others. So, that's what I'm going to do. I am going to do whatever I can to help others. Especially those whose shoes I have been in. I cannot think of a better way to honor Corey than to be the best Mom I can be to his little girl, and to help others in any way that I can by volunteering my time and anything else that I can do for others. That's my new dream.
This New Years Day I woke up, bought flowers, and drove up to the cemetery to visit Corey's grave. Never in a million years would I have thought last year, when we were so happy about starting our family and having the first of hopefully three kids that this year I would be going to a National Cemetery to visit him. It's unfair. It's scary. It's eye opening. No one can escape it. You never know when it will happen. We were just starting out. That was just the beginning for us, or so we thought.
I have been non stop since the accident last February. Idle time is not good for me. I have too much time to think, and frankly, feel sorry for myself. I hate it. So, I stay busy, travel, do anything to keep my mind off of it. I think that may have hurt me though. Last year I attended a Seminar in Washington DC for Military Survivors and one thing that a speaker said that sat with me was that you can never escape grief. You can put it off for days, months, years, but one day it will come back and you will have to deal with it. That is so true. I used to have a problem crying in front of people because I did not want anyone to be uncomfortable around me, not know what to say, or just avoid me entirely so, I hid my feelings. That is becoming harder and harder to do and I think it's because I've bottled it up too long. I cry in front of people now which is weird for me but the tears just come out, I cannot even help it. I cannot believe that in almost a month it will have been a year since my Corey was alive last. A whole year. I miss him, whole heartedly, longingly, hopelessly miss him. I need him in my life. I buy things to remember him by almost once a month, earrings, a "C" charm to put onto my necklace that I wear. The same necklace that Corey gave me the first year we were married. I did not wear it everyday but when I did his whole face would light up and he would say how happy it made him when I wore it. I have not taken it off since February 22.
New Years day was not the only time during the holidays that I went to visit Corey. We went on Christmas Day too. I broke down in the car on the way into the cemetery. That morning I remembered thinking I was cold so I went and turned the heater on and then it hit me, I'm warm and cozy.....and as aweful as it sounds, he was not. He would never be again, and it was not fair. I remember telling my Mom on Christmas Eve when she asked what our plans for Christmas was, I said, "Oh, you know, just what every 25 year old wants to do on Christmas day, going to visit my husband's grave". She was not quite sure how to respond to that but that was my fault. I need to not be so bitter.
I do not know what this new year brings but, I hope it is better than last year. It's hard for me to say that 2012 was a terrible year as a whole because I had Corey Ann. I just hope that this year is a little easier.
I kept wondering what I was going to do with my life now. I knew what I wanted before but, that cannot happen anymore. I started to realize that the best way to make myself feel better is to help others. So, that's what I'm going to do. I am going to do whatever I can to help others. Especially those whose shoes I have been in. I cannot think of a better way to honor Corey than to be the best Mom I can be to his little girl, and to help others in any way that I can by volunteering my time and anything else that I can do for others. That's my new dream.
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