What will people think of this? That's a question I ask myself way too much. It's agony. It's tiring. It's not fair. Did anyone ever force me to ask that? Nope. I think it just automatically comes with having a horrible tragedy happen in your family where a lot of people's feelings are involved.
I've heard a few quotes lately with the main point being, you don't actually start living until you are living for yourself. If that's indeed true, then I have been doing a bad job of it lately. You see, when you have a tragedy happen in your life two things are bound to happen. Number one is, everyone who has ever known you will be there to show support and share kind words. Number two is, some, not all, of those people will then proceed to have an opinion on everything you do in relation to the tragedy. It's really sad actually and it does not end with me. The sad and daunting fact about the way that grief works is that it does not really show up until well after everyone else has moved on/thinks you are okay/thinks that enough time has passed. I read a book recently about a widow whose husband was in the hospital and she had just basically been told that he was not going to make it. She said that she could not cry, she could not shed one emotion, yet she did. She was in the room with her parents and his and she threw her arms around him in the bed and yelled for him to please stay. She even admitted that she did this even though she felt nothing at that moment (shock will do that). She did it for everyone else. She said that as soon as she did that, she felt everyone in the room sigh in relief. This is the types of things that people who are grieving need to do.
Corey was my everything, as I have said a million times in this blog. I know that. I know it to my core and I feel it every single day the same way I did the day that I said "I Do". But, here I am saying it over and over on a blog to people who some, barely know me, and some, who know me but may not completely understand how I feel, and why? Because, now that I have a boyfriend, and I smile.....often, I feel the need to PROVE it to people. Well, that needs to stop. Why I feel that way, I don't know. Maybe it is because there is always a guilt that widows, even parents feel when they are grieving and they feel that if they smile, while their loved one is dead, it means that it's okay and that they are over it. It's no way to live. I am tired of wondering what people will think. I am also tired of worrying....ALL THE TIME about whose feelings I will hurt next. If you go out with your boyfriend/husband/friends and have some drinks, and you take a picture with them with a genuine smile on your face, do you stop before sharing it on Facebook or anything else and ask yourself, "Do I look too happy? Am I going to upset anyone with this?". My guess is most likely you don't. But, think about how stressful it would be if you had to. I don't want to apologize for living. Corey would be furious if I ever had to anyway. That's why I am able to be happy. His love for me was so strong and we had a marriage that some people dream of and guess what, that gives me so much confidence and strength to know that. I can go out into the world and know that no matter what I choose to do, he still loves me and is so proud of me. It took me a long long time to get here but I am sure happy that I did. It's time for this little Mommy to stop asking "What will people think of this?" and start asking,"What do I want?". Because in order to honor my husband and be the best Mommy ever to his little girl, I have to live life the way I want to. The point here is this. Grief is messy. I have not had a big problem with the topic I am talking about as much as some widows I have met. It's sad. Not only did they lose their husband but they also lost a long laundry list of other things. Those include; their identity, their dreams of the future, their privacy, and the parent of their children. So, if you know anyone grieving, a sibling, a parent, a spouse, or anyone, please remember that you actually have no idea at all how you would handle it if you were in their shoes and applaud them for getting out of bed that day. They deserve it! :) I love my husband, always have always will and that will never change. I know that in my heart, and guess what? That's enough for me.
