What stage is this again?

When the accident first happened, I was handed many different books on grief and what doctors say it should be like. Some doctors say there are 5 stages, and some say there are 7. We will go ahead and say there are 5 because, well, my life is complicated enough without adding two more extra steps (haha).  So here they are.

1. Shock and Denial.
      This one was a tough one and I'll explain why.  I am sure that most people who lose a loved one are in some sort of shock but, as people get older and older I would assume that it is not as shocking when a 100 year old who lived a full life dies as when a perfectly healthy 25 year old does. I guess I could be wrong there but, I can 100% say that I never in a million years saw this coming.  Did I know my husband's job was dangerous? Well, yes but no.  He told me it was but not in a real "and I'm scared for my life" kind of way.  It was just one of those things almost like when you are younger and your parents are worried about you going off to college on your own because they know how dangerous the world can be.  You are not "really" scared and although they are, they never actually think that something will happen to you.  That is how I was.  So, in that sense I guess I did not actually know it was dangerous, I had just heard it a few times and never actually believed it because well, nothing that bad would ever happen to him or me. We now all see how very wrong I was.  But,  I have to be honest here.  If he had not been in the accident, and it had been another guy in the squadron.  If I had to sit and watch, as all of my friends did, as people lost their husband and grieved, it would have scared me, yes. But, to be honest I really don't think that I would even think THEN that that could happen to me.  You always think it's going to be someone else.  There is no way you can prepare for something like that.  I think back to the funeral and I have no idea how I even came out of the back room to greet everyone but then I realize, it was because I was in shock and most likely denial.  I was still being the hostess, the good wife, the only thing I knew how to be at the time.  This "stage" sort of takes over when it is just too much to handle.  If I had to do all of that with how I feel now, I would not be able to with as much grace as I did then. That is because I am done with the shock stage, and sometimes I wish I wasn't because it was a great way to mask the pain.

2.Anger and Guilt
       Oh I've had my fair share of encounters with this one for sure. I also think they should add "self pity" to this one.  I sometimes get so angry that I want to throw things that no one would care if I broke just to get some of it out and then sometimes I get so sad and feel so guilty.  I think, maybe if we had picked East Coast instead of West Coast while doing the "dream sheet" (sort of tells the USMC where you would "like" to be and they decide after that).  He did not care and because I had JUST moved to California the month before and figured, we will move again eventually, I said to stay in California and he agreed and so we did.  If I had said that I wanted to go to the East Coast, maybe we would be there now, and this never would have happened.  After that, there were so many decisions that we made that I think just maybe could have determined whether or not he was on that helicopter that night.  I know people will say, you can't think that way, you had no way to know.  It's hard to not think that way though, and anyone who has been in my shoes will tell you that.

3.Bargaining
        I still do a lot of this.  These are my "take everything from me, just give me back my husband" days.  I do it a lot.  I beg and beg in silence to just let me see him once.  I've begged to allow me to give up the rest of my life to just spend one more day with him, anything.  I can say, being 100% honest, that if given the chance I would do anything, I mean anything, to be able to see him again.  But, I know that's not how things work and it simply cannot happen.

4.Depression
     Not clinical depression (always) but in some cases, some people do need a little help from a doctor to get past this one.  Don't ask me if I will or not, because I still don't know the answer to that.  On a normal day, I wake up and I am just "ok".  I happen to see something online about a friend who is greeting their husband home and how they are so very excited or how sad they are that they have not seen their husband for a week and then, I get upset and shut my computer.  Then, I spend time with my baby girl and she makes things better, for a while, until night time comes.  I can have all the friends in the world and all the family in the world who help me out and are there for me but, at night, everyone else goes home to their own lives and I sit on my sofa watching tv alone. Yes, I have my baby girl and I am so so thankful for that but, it's different than having your other half there with you. 

5.Acceptance
     This stage is not to say that everything is okay, just that you accept that it happened and that you need to live with this daunting fact. 


The thing about all of these stages (says all of the doctors) is that everyone goes through them at a different rate and just because you go on to another stage, does not mean that you wont take steps back into the prior one.  Grief is messy and unpredictable.  That I know for sure. 

Our wedding anniversary was the 4th of December.  I remember last year very well actually.  We went out to eat, and at dinner we talked about the future.  We both agreed how lucky we were to have each other, a conversation we had quite often actually. He said he was excited because it was only the beginning and we had so many amazing things ahead of us.  We knew we were going to try to have kids soon and that was exciting.  We were that cheesy couple holding hands across the table and barely paying attention to the waiter when she came.  I miss that.  When I see it at restaurants now, I cringe.  I will say that I am very good at hiding my feelings.  I could be falling apart on the inside and you would never know it.  That helps me cope. If I get upset then people around me get upset and then they don't know how to be around me or they feel the need to "fix" me and I just don't need that.  When I figure out what it is that I do need, I will be the first to let them know but, for now, I act fine and everyone can go about their business. Sometimes when I am out somewhere, a cashier or someone else I don't know, just starting friendly conversation, will ask if I'm married or something along those lines and I just say yes, and leave it at that.  I bought a video game for myself  a couple of weeks ago and the worker said, "Is this for you?".  I said yes and she then said,"Oh I bet your husband loves the fact that his wife plays video games too!" (guess she saw my ring) and I just agreed.  These people  don't know that I am screaming inside, and they don't need to. 

I went to a funeral recently.  My grandmother's friend's husband passed away, he was 98.  He was in the Army when he was younger and had the flag on the casket and everything.  I did not even realize how much it would affect me.  At one point I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to pull myself together.  I looked around and, no one was crying.  People seemed sad, yes, but this was also a celebration of his long life lived. There was a slideshow of photos playing and it was pictures from his entire life.  He and his wife growing old together, buying a house, traveling, etc. I was envious.  This was what Corey "should" have had.  A funeral when he was pushing 100 and lived a full life.  This couple did not do anything world changing.  I was just envious of the fact that they got to be together that long.  I had my life all planned out.  I did not want anything extravagant.  I wanted three kids, a house, and a beautiful simple life with the man I loved. I wanted to celebrate 50 plus anniversaries with him and live happily ever after.  Had it panned out that way, I would have been happy but, never really known just how incredibly lucky I was to have it.  No one knows until they lose it.  They may think that they do, but there is no way to really see the whole picture until it is ripped away.

I find myself recently wondering which "stage" I am in and I can say, I have no idea.  I still sometimes daydream that maybe Corey is just on some secret mission with the others and they could not tell us they had to go. (Stupid I know).  Sometimes I still get angry, and I most definitely still "bargain".I cry, but not as much as I used to.  I think that's because I'm still too angry about it.  I will never have that simple life I wanted. I will always carry this around with me.

People often say "Oh you're still young, you might find someone else".  Here is what I have to say about that because it was recently brought to my attention by a friend of mine that people are wondering about "that" part of my life now and how I will handle it.  I am not as strong as some may think.  I miss Corey extremely and being with someone right now or anytime time soon for that matter would only be to fill the huge void that Corey left.  But,  I will say that when the time comes,  I have no intentions of ever getting married or having anymore children, ever again.  I have my reasons for that, some I'm not so proud of like financial ones but, also, I married who I wanted to marry.  Neither he nor I willingly ended it.  I will forever feel like I am married to him.  I know for a fact that he and I would have celebrated those 50 plus anniversaries had he not been taken too soon and for that, I cannot picture ever doing those things with someone else.  I am also not blind to the fact that it's crazy to think I will be alone forever.  I know that I wont.  But, when and if I ever date or don't date again, it will be on my timeline and my terms.  Not because some people think that I should because it's been long enough and not because some people think that I should not because, to them, it hasn't been long enough.  I wont be able to please everyone I'm sure but, my feelings come first. For my own sanity if anything else. It is not fair for people to give their opinion on things that they honestly know nothing about.  I have seen it happen to some of my new found widow friends and it breaks their heart because it makes them feel extreme guilt and that they are being pushed and pulled in every direction.  People have no right to tell you its too soon or that it's time to move on.  No one knows what's right. A year? Two? Five? Never? No one knows or has the right to say that they do. Especially when they are not the ones who have to go home alone every night.  It is also easy for people to say "Isn't it time to move on, it's been _____ long."  That's easy for them because they have no idea how it felt to be in my husband's arms and see him smile and know it's because of you.  They say it takes a year to grieve, and that's for normal relationsips. (Not to say that after a year you will be okay, just to say that you will be over the most of it) But, I'm not so sure that is correct for me because what Corey and I had was anything but ordinary.  I cannot imagine ever loving someone the same as I love him except our little girl. 

I don't know, maybe I am sort of in the "acceptance" stage with one foot still in depression/anger.  Because I am just now coming to terms with the fact that when I think about my future, it does not look anything like it used to.  There will be no big family, and growing old with the love of my life.  I need to have a new future and I have no idea what I want it to look like anymore. I know that no matter what, I will always do what's best for my baby girl. She is my world. But, besides that, I have no idea what I want to do. All I wanted to be was Corey's wife and support him and cheer him on in everything that he did.  My identity is gone. Almost 10 months later and I still feel lost. Lost is the best word for how I feel.  Lost and stuck, as the world moves on without me....

The Greatest Gift

So, it sure has been a long week, but one of the best ones I have had in a very very long time.  It  was a long process but here goes.  (This next paragraph may be a bit much for some so if you are sqeemish maybe skip to the next one)


Sunday night Corey Ann was kicking A LOT and I finally got some sleep only to wake up at about 2 am.  I woke up, and as soon as I got out of bed my water broke! I went to the bathroom, called my Mom, jumped in the shower for a few min, then my Mom and I headed to the hospital at about 3am.  They admitted me at about 4am and checked me, I was only 1cm dilated and my cervix was still thick. They told my doc and he said he would be there around 8am.  I was planning on going all natural with no epidural, no anything.  Well, 8am rolls around and my doc comes in to check me, I'm still 1cm.....4 hours later!! :(  He could not even feel the head so they checked to make sure she was head down which she was but she was really high.  We waited a few more hours and at about 10am I was checked again and still nothing....but the doc thought I had an inner sack of water that may be stopping the baby from descending.  He went in and busted it and I automatically went from a 1 to a 4.  Well I told them I would take Pitocin but no epidural (which they thought I was insane for) and so they started pitocin and I had already been having contractions all day at about a level 10 (they go from 1-12)  and the pitocin upped that to 12s. Still, no pain meds to this point.  At about 9:45pm the doc came in a checked me one last time and I was STILL at a 4 and had been in labor 19 hours with no pain meds and everyone said they could see it in my face that I was so exhausted.  The doc said the baby's head just was not engaging and he did not think it was going to happen but would let me try if I wanted to keep trying.  I did NOT want a c-section but I really had no fight left in me at that point and I really just wanted it to be over.  I asked the doctor a ton of questions (How will it feel?,  How long will recovery be?) and they eventually took me back to prep for surgery.  They gave me a spinal which I think is quite amazing since before they even took the needle out completely,  my feet were numb and it was going up my leg.  I was so terrified but my Mom and Corey's Mom eventually came in the room and got to be with me for the surgery.  I did not feel a thing except for a lot of pressure from them pushing and pulling.  At 10:17pm on September 10th after 19 hours of labor and finally getting a c-section, Corey Ann Little was born.  When I heard her cry, It did not even matter that my "birth plan" did not go the way I originally wanted.

Thank goodness I did get the c-section because she was almost 9lbs!! That might have been hard for me to push her out.  So, I stayed in the hospital until Thursday morning.  I was so ready to bring my baby girl home.  The hospital stay was nice though.....I really liked having 3 meals delivered to me a day haha.  I could not imagine loving someone more than I love her.  She not only is my daughter  but she is everything that I have left of Corey and I see so much of him in her face.  It really is so bittersweet because I adore her and everything she does just makes me smile but, I also get sad when I think about how unfair it is that Corey is missing all of it.  People have no idea how lucky they are to be able to have their family together.  I don't want much, just a simple life with my little girl and her Daddy.  It is not asking for too much, yet, I cannot have it.  Something changed in me when I had her.  I had already learned a lot about what really mattered and what did not from how positive a person Corey was but it went even further now.  I now feel like nothing matters but her,  she is all I think about.  Her, and her Daddy ofcorse.  I want to spend every single second with her.  I could not imagine if I had to go to work in a few weeks and leave her.  I am lucky in the aspect that I do not have to go to work and won't be until she is in school.  I do not want to miss one second of her life.  I just love her so much.  She is my purpose, that purpose I have been looking forward to since I thought I lost all purpose and reason to live in February.  I thought nothing and no one in this world could make me happy again and it was not true. She can.  I want to make her life the best it can possibly be, not only because of how much I just adore her, but I feel it is a way for me to show how much I still love my husband.  I see her as a part of him (which she is) and loving her is just like loving him.

 

Corey's family has been staying with me all week but will be leaving tomorrow.  It will just be the baby and I.  I will ofcorse have my Mom around a lot but I cannot help but be afraid.  I am a first time Mom.  I have no idea what I am doing!  All I can do is try my best, follow my instincts, and above all, put her first in everything that I do.  I love you Corey.  I am so sad you left and I will forever have a huge void in my life and in my heart but I want to thank you so so much for leving me the greatest gift I could have ever been given.  I will make you proud I promise.  You used to always call me on your way home and say "I can't wait to get home to my girls!", or "I love my girls!!" talking about Lola and I.  You always said "my girls".  I just imagine you still saying that now. Please know that "your girls" will forever be your girls and we love you and will honor you for the rest of our lives.  

Baby Girl is Almost Here

 So, I am a little over three weeks from my due date.  A lot of people ask me, "Are you ready?" and that is a complicated question.  Am I ready to be a Mom? Absolutely! I was ready and excited without fear as soon as I saw the positive test and what helped was Corey's big smile when I showed him.  Am I ready for the emotions this might bring on? Maybe not. But, there is not really much I can do about it.  I cannot wait to hold her.  I hope when I look into her eyes, I see so much of Corey in them.  I know that it will be emotional going through the birth without him.  I would have had the best partner in not only that, but raising her as well.  He would have given "Being a good father" a whole new meaning. Sometimes, after we found out I was pregnant, he would state he was nervous about being a good Dad. He said he was afraid of screwing up.  I told him that no parent is perfect and if anyone came remotely close to perfect, it would have been him.  He cared so much about everyone else,  the influence he would have had on his children with the type of personality he had would have been amazing.  I pray I can teach her all of the things that he would have, or else I will feel she got cheated, even more than she already has been since she never gets to meet the greatest man I have ever had the honor of knowing.  I just wish I knew he was here.  I wish I could get some sort of sign that he was around.  Even though I cannot see him, it would just be a comfort knowing that.  Maybe I would not feel I was doing this all on my own.  Yes, I have family that is super supportive but it's not the same as my husband telling me (lying to me) about how beautiful I am while in labor and kissing me and thanking me for giving him a daughter.  I'd give anything to have that.  To see his face the first time he held her would be a dream come true. 

 So, as of now I am pretty much settled into my house in Louisiana.  I love the house but,  this is not at all what I wanted to feel the first time I was a homeowner.  I wish I could share all of this with Corey.  I actually just wish to go back to my little apartment in California, just to be with him. I would stay there forever and ever.  But, it is what it is and I have to try and make the best of it.  I have so much love these days it feels like and it has no where to go.  I have so much I wish that I could say to Corey, so much I want to thank him for and basically just tell him how incredibly amazing I think he is and I can't.  That is another reason I cannot wait to see the baby.  She can be the outlet for all of the love I have built up for Corey because taking care and loving her as much as I can is the best possible way I know how to show how much I still love and adore her Daddy.  I see her little feet sliding across my belly as I am typing this and it just reminds me of what a miracle this little girl is.  She and I have made it (so far) through a very rough 6 months.  I can already tell she is going to be a strong little girl. 

I do get to bring her to a Memorial for all seven of the families involved in the crash that will be in November at Arlington Cemetery in Washington DC.  It will be good that, even though she will not know what is going on, she will get the chance to be a part of one of her Father's memorials.  It was originally scheduled for August but I am so grateful that they push it back to make it possible for she and I to attend.  It will also be good to see the other families.  Right after the accident we were all in such shock and in such a state of grief that we barely spoke to one another and it will be so nice to be able to give them all hugs.  We are all in this together after all.  So,  as I said before,  I have so much I want to say to Corey and no where for it to go so, I am going to follow this with a "letter" that I wish he could read....and if I'm lucky, maybe somehow he will.

Dear Corey (Cookie Monster),

It's been a rough almost six months down here without you.  I cannot even believe that I am still functioning as I am.  Am I making you proud?  I hope so.  That is all I want and if you could tell me how and what to do, I would do it, no matter how crazy.  I would do anything for you.  I am sorry for all of the petty things we used to argue about like you not wanting to leave the house but me dragging you out to get me Frozen Yogurt anyway.  I know everyone has little things like that but I just wish I could sit on the couch with you forever and never ever leave.  I would never make you go shopping with me again.  I want to thank you for showing me what true love feels like.  I will never ever be able to replace you and no one will ever be able to even come remotely close to the man that you were but, if in time (a long time) someone comes along,  they have huge shoes to fill and their curse will be that they will most likely always be compared to you. (with good reason).  I adore you.  I wish sometimes, as bad as it seems, that I could have switched places with you.  I would have done anything to keep you safe and would gladly take your place so that you could come back and bring your amazing laughter and personality to everyone like you always did.  I am not saying I am a bad person, but you were always the best person I ever knew.  You made me a better person. You showed me how to love, how to be selfless, how to help others as much as I could, and we both did a lot of growing up together.  I cannot thank you enough for the lessons you taught me.  I just wish that all of these things I have learned and thought about in the past 6 months I would have known before.  I know you know I love you, but I should have told you every single day how much I appreciated everything, how you got up so early for work every morning to provide for me, how you would always ask if I needed any help around the house after you had spent 13 hours working on helicopters and were extremely exhausted, how you would run the streets with me all weekend long just to make me happy even though you wished we could have just stayed home and relaxed.  I cannot thank you enough for how much you loved me.  There was never a question in my mind, I could just tell, from how you looked at me to how you could never keep your hands off of me and were always kissing me and hugging me.  I was never without your attention and gosh, I cannot think of anything I want more in this world right now than to have just five minutes of your attention again.  I had never felt so beautiful and confident than when I was around you.  You will forever be my inspiration to be the best person I know how to.  I will make mistakes, I know, as I have before, but you have my word I will try my best and make you proud.  I love you so much.  I know I have a long time until we meet again but,  I will patiently wait for that day when I get to be back in your arms, the only place I really belong. Watch over and guide your girls please, we need you so much more than you know.

Love,
Your Wife

2 Months and counting....down

 So, I am well into my third trimester of being pregnant with my little miracle.  I seriously cannot wait until September and I get to hold her.  I am not so much looking forward to the "pushing a human out of me" part but, you have to take the good with the bad, right??  I do get sad thinking about the fact that Corey won't be here for it though.  I felt I could do anything with him by my side.  If I was scared, he always knew exactly what to say to calm me down or make me feel better.  I was never more confident in myself than when he was around. I miss all of our little notes we used to leave eachother, like the two in the pictures I have on here. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had taken pictures of these on two random days.  I can forgive his 2nd grade handwriting since he always left such sweet messages. 

So, I have exactly 2 months to prepare for this baby to get here! Lots to do. I am going to be moving into a house that is in the same neighborhood as my Mom just outside of New Orleans. It's a big decision but, I need to have family close for one, and also, I need my own space. Having been on my own since I was 18, living with others (who are not my husband) is just not going to cut it.  I love it, don't get me wrong.  I just miss my privacy and MY stuff. This way, I will have my own space but I can call my Mom and say hey I need you and she will be there in the matter of minutes. Did I mention it's across the street and 2 houses down? Yeah, super close.  So, the countdown to get everything settled has begun.  I have a pretty busy schedule until then too so I need to get busy. 

I want to thank everyone for the amazing support up to this point.  I appreciate everyone always checking up on me and being there for me. I honestly would have no idea what to say to someone in my situation but, everyone has been so amazing and sometimes it's like ya'll know exactly what I need to hear to make me feel a little better.  To be honest, I did think at four months out I would be doing a little better than I am at this point but,  I feel I took a few steps back.  I know this can be normal, especially being in my third trimester and being more emotional than usual anyway.  Everyday things get me down though.  I went to pick up the furniture for the baby's room today and my Mom was all excited about setting it up and don't get me wrong, I was too,  but it also hurt a little because that is what my husband was supposed to do.  I am sure there will be so many moments in my and Corey Ann's life that I will feel like that and it just sucks, alot.  I see people post photos on Facebook of their husbands with their children and not that I'm mad about that, because I would have no doubt posted hundreds of those if Corey was still here, it just hurts to see.  Those are photos I will never ever have.  I will never get to see them together and that is so upsetting.  I just miss him.  I miss his sweet compliments, his arms around me, his amazing laugh, and basically any and everything about him.  I don't think God could have created a better man for me.  He was perfection to me. I know this post was a bit random.  Just had a lot to say.  Thanks again everyone for being such good friends and family.  I may not say it a lot but your thoughts and prayers are so appreciated and can turn one of my sad moods into a better one. I love you all. 

Month Four/ Corey's Smiles

Four months since the accident. Wow. Just, wow.  I cannot even imagine how I have even been able to make it to this day without going completely crazy. Corey was my rock, and also like my walking diary.  I told him everything. Even those random thoughts we get from time to time that we usually never share with anyone, I shared those with him.  He knew me better than anyone and most of the time better than I knew myself. How have I made it this far without him around? It helps that I knew him extremely well too and that I pretty much know what he would say or do in reaction to almost every situation.  Even while he was alive I joked I was going to make a bracelet to remind me of this. Remember those WWJD bracelets that were so popular years ago? We joked I should make a WWCD bracelet for times he was gone and I did not know what to do, but especially how much to spend lol.  It helps knowing how he would feel about things I am doing.  I think about him as much as you can possibly think about another person.  I am not saying I took him for granted but, there were so many things I adored about him that I honestly did not even notice while he was around.  The world and our lives were too busy to notice the simple things like that and gosh I wish we had just took time to slow down so I could have told him every single thing I loved about him.  While searching for a photo to put in the background of my IPhone, I noticed a smile in one of his photos that only came around in particular situations.  I felt a little cheesy since I had seen something similar in a movie, "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton" (cute movie btw if you have not seen it!).  So, I went through all of his pictures, along with all of my memories and came up with a list. A list of 8 smiles that my amazing husband had. Each was unique and could brighten up any room or situation. So, here's my (I don't care how cheesy it is and I know he is probably laughing at me right now) list:

Smile 1

This was his smile for when he was genuinely having a good time/in the middle of laughing.  I usually saw this when I did something ditsy and he found it amusing or when we were doing something he enjoyed. In this photo, we were on vacation in Vegas.....and he had just been served the largest beer I had ever seen. You can imagine the excitement!

Smile 2

This was his, "okay I don't have to be in every single photo we take, ever" smile.  I know it annoyed him how many photos I took of him! He probably heard "SMILE!!!" 50 times every day we were on vacation but, I am so happy because those photos left me with hundreds and hundreds of memories.

Smile 3

 This was his, "I'm so exhausted and my crazy wife is making me take a picture that if I don't give her atleast a smirk, she will make me take again" smile. So cute....even when sleepy. This was after the Marine Corps Ball so, he had every right to be sleepy. I made him dance quite a bit!!

Smile 4

This classic smile was one that graced everyone who was in his presence when he had a few drinks and boy was it a fun one!  He would never get drunk really, just extremely happy. He was super affectionate too when he got in these moods. In this one he was also having a lot of fun because we were at a San Diego Padres game with all of HMLA-469 so we were hanging with all of his friends and their wives.

Smile 5

This was a smile I saw quite often.  This is the one that made it to the background of my phone, by the way.  He gave me this smile when he was proud of himself for doing something sweet for me.  If the smile could have been put into words it would have read, "Did I do a good job, sweetheart?".  For instance, if I was having a bad day sometimes he would stop and pick me up some of my favorite ice cream or something else I really liked and when he gave it to me.....he gave me this smile along with it.  He was so proud of himself when he did sweet things for me and I could tell he enjoyed it just as much as I did. I was so lucky.


Smile 6

No long caption needed for this one. This was his "I'm so cool" smile.  That was him and my little stepbrother when we went to Disney World last year.  As you can see, he was definitely ready for kids! :)

Smile 7

This was his, "I'm at work but I'm having fun......and ofcorse I know I get to go home soon" smile.  I am sure that he had his times of being mad at his job, everyone does, but this was how I usually saw him when I went to visit him at the Squadron.  He never saw the point in complaining about everything. I am not sure if that was just his positive outlook on things or his common sense because complaining will get you no where but, either way, he was a hard worker and kept his head up.

And....last but not least, my favorite.

Smile 8

This was his smile when he was looking at me.  I don't think he ever looked at me without complimenting me.  He was always telling me how lucky he thought he was that I picked him out of everyone else in the world, or just simply looking at me and saying, "Wow".  I never felt better than when I was in his eyes.


So, there's my cheesy list of smiles! It made me happy to write them all down....so that if I ever wonder later, there they are.

Four months is a long time to be without your best friend. I hope and pray he hears me when I talk to him.  I just wish I could see him once more. But, that would just leave me still saying that I wish I could see him once more after that. No amount of time with him would have ever been enough.  We could spend weeks straight without spending any time apart at all and we never ever got tired of eachother. It was so simple. That is how it should be. You should be content and do any and everything to make the other person happy because that is where your happiness really comes from. I never thought it possible but my love for him grows more every day.  It happens when I think about him and all of the things we shared.  It's a shame though that it took me until now to stop and think of all of those things I loved so much and never realized how lucky I was to just have that.  I could have lived forever with him in that little apartment, living paycheck to paycheck, chasing each other around the place and laughing, sharing meals, and just.....being us. "Live simply" my Mother always says. I think that is what she means.....

I went to visit the cemetery on Father's Day and we brought him a ton of flowers. I want people to know just how loved he was, not only for his amazing personality but for his ability to smile and make everyone around him smile too.  I just wish I could have seen the one smile that I most likely have not seen yet, the smile when he got to see his little girl.

Anger

These pictures were taken in Pensacola when Corey was there for a few months training.  I would leave work in New Orleans and drive to Pensacola, which was only about a 3 hour drive, and go spend the weekend with him every single Friday he was there.  The hotel was not the cheapest on base and we had to go get food every day on the weekends but it did not matter to us how much we had to spend in order to spend time with each other.  Every Friday I would get a text message from him counting down the hours until I would arrive there and we could spend the weekend together.  We were so excited and could not wait for what the future had in store for us.  We even pondered "secretly" getting married and then having our "official" wedding in December which we already had planned and booked.  That is how bad we could not wait to get married.  We ultimately decided that the BIG day in December would not be as special if we were actually already officially married so we decided to be good and wait.  But, the excitement and passion was so great and I will always remember him saying things like "I cannot wait to call you my wife."  All of the memories I have of the past 5 years are a bit like a double edged sword.  I am so grateful to have had love like that because I know that a lot of people never will know what it is like to be so content and completely and 100% in love with someone as much as I was in love with him but it also hurts.  It hurts because I had it so good and now it's gone.  I have recently begun to get very angry at that.  I am angry that we had such high hopes for our future and in a second he was gone.  I thought we were safe.  I mean,  as a 25 year old you never ever think about the possibility of this happening.  Why on Earth would you?  Most of the people my age are just now getting engaged and starting out and here I am.......already widowed.  Left behind by the greatest man that I have ever met who in no way ever deserved an ending like that.  I find myself apologizing to him while I sit alone sometimes.  It is the same type of "I'm sorry" that I hear when people see me for the first time since seeing me before the accident.  They cannot do anything about it nor did they cause it, they are just.....sorry.  That's how I feel.  I am so sorry this happened to him.  He did not deserve it.  He had so much to offer this world and my world is not the same without him.  It is dull and grey.

I read in many of the books that I have been handed that the 3 month mark is for some reason the hardest.  I think it is because the shock is almost completely gone and I find myself asking,"Am I really doing this alone?"  Also, I feel so torn between so many people.  I know that everyone is being so supportive and yet I still feel like I need to please everyone which is really difficult while still trying to do what I want.  Even doing what I want is hard because I feel like I am reaching for a million different things to try and make me happy and not one of them works.  I know why.  Because what makes me happy is out of my reach.  I feel abandoned even though I know if given the choice he would be here.  I just feel alone.  I look at pictures of us and my smile is so different in those photos.  Will I ever smile like that again? Will I ever feel so content and and happy as I did the 5 years I was with him?  If not, then what kind of life do I have to look forward to?  It's overwhelming to even think about.  I have also had to make hard hard decisions.  Some of those I would rather not talk about on here as they are depressing enough but,  some are just hard.  I originally had planned on moving to Georgia and buying a house there.  I was actually in the process of buying a home about 25 minutes from the cemetery where Corey is.  The more I thought about it the more I was just unsure of my decision.  That was Corey and I's plan.  We planned on going to one of the southern states, Georgia, Alabama, (he even liked Virginia), and buying a house and having the white picket fence and living happily ever after.  When I was originally making the decisions after the accident,  I was on auto-pilot and I was "following the plan". I was told by many that maybe I should take a little longer to think about it and me being the stubborn person I am decided not to listen.  Well, I should have.  That WAS our plan.  It was our plan for the both of us and now it's just me.  That means things need to change because...he is gone.  I have to accept that.  I am alone and he's never coming back.  It hurts to even type that.  I decided to go home.  I backed out of buying the house in Georgia and decided to go home.  I wanted to be close to the cemetery but, to be honest, when I go up there, I just don't feel like he is there.  I guess it is because I never saw him when he was not alive and well so it's hard to accept he is there.  I still go and bring massive amounts of flowers and talk to his headstone just praying he hears me but,  I just cannot imagine he is really there.  I plan on going to visit atleast once a month not only the cemetery but Corey's family, who I consider my family too.  It is extremely important to me that they are a huge part of Corey Ann's life and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.  I lost my husband and they lost their son, brother, grandson, nephew....etc.  We all need each other to get through this.  So, my heart is split into three now.  One piece in Georgia because half of me and my family is there.  One piece in California because I miss the life we shared , our routine, my "normal" everyday things I did, and our amazing friends out there more than I ever knew you could miss something, and the last piece here, in New Orleans. I might get a house out here, I might not.  What I hope is that everyone will leave that to me.  I did not choose this life and it is hard enough without me worrying what people may think.  I made the mistake in Georgia to move too quickly but I am happy I did because I would have never known it was a mistake and maybe I would have always wondered if I should have done that or not.  New Orleans is not perfect...actually it is far from it.  Corey did not want to raise kids here but he said he would not have minded being stationed here.  He fit right in too.  We always had a blast when we came here and most of the places I go hold memories of him. I have done so much to try and make him proud and I know he just wants me to be happy. So here I am.   This is my "home" and where I will stay for now even though my home used to be wherever Corey was.  I would have followed him anywhere and been perfectly fine because he was my home.  I would give up everything else in my life to feel that comfortable again.  I just want to feel at "home" again. 

Time

So, this Tuesday will be 3 whole months without Corey.  Three months without hearing his laugh, without him giving me a hug and kiss every single day when he got home without fail, three months without a "Good morning sweetheart" text like I used to get every morning.  To say that I miss him is a massive understatement.  I don't like thinking about the fact that it has been three whole months.  I have been "strong" in my previous posts but this one may have to be an exception.  I am not ready for time to keep going. A fourth of a year has passed without Corey in the world.  How could that happen?  How can time just keep going when he is gone?  I seriously do not even want to celebrate my 25th birthday on the 5th of June because I was 24 when he died and I don't want anything to change.  I know that may sound strange.  I dread new movies coming out because they are things that he never got to see and new music coming out because it is songs he will never get to hear.  It is not right.  He was so young, he should be here to experience all of that.  25 years is not enough time.  We always said that forever would not be long enough for us to spend together (cliche', I know) but that is just how we were. So, how am I supposed to accept that I only got 5 years with him?  I just wish time would slow down.  I am not ready for the world to move on without my Corey.  The further away it gets, the more I am forced to believe this is not just a nightmare I will eventually wake up from.  The only good thing to come of time moving so fast is getting to meet our daughter in September.  That will be so bittersweet.  I will get to hold Corey's daughter and her life is then in my hands. What an honor that will be to raise her.  I am so blessed to be able to do that for the man I love so much.  But, as sweet as that will be, it will also be another life event that my sweet husband will not get to experience.  I just wish time would slow down........and if I could really have a wish, it would be that time would just reverse.  People told me, and so did a few books on the subject, that the third month can sometimes be a very hard one.  Even harder than previous ones because of the fact that a lot of spouses are just starting to come out of the "in shock" state.  It gets harder and harder to keep up that wall I have been keeping up so that everyone will think I am "ok".  My Mother and I are attending the T.A.P.S. National Survivor Seminar in Washington, DC for four days next week.  There are grief workshops and you also get to meet others who have been in your shoes.  I think it is coming at the perfect time.  I know it will be a mix of helpful and hard but from what I have heard from all others, it is the most helpful thing you can do for yourself after losing a service member.  I am actually looking forward to that.  Thanks again everyone for your continued support.  I really cannot say that enough.

Should be Day One

Today should be day one in a countdown that Corey and I dreaded and he also looked forward to for a long long time.  To say he tried his best to be put on deployment was an understatement.  He did not like when people thanked him for his service because he said he did not feel like he had done anything yet.   He had been trying for the past months to be put into one of the spots for his squadron's upcoming deployment.  I remember they told him right before he left for three weeks to go to EMV(Enhanced Mojave Viper) in 29 Palms that he most likely was not going to be going.  He was upset, yes, but we started to look at the bright side, he would be here for the baby's birth.   We wanted him to be here for it but in the military, it is not unusual for the husband not to be and if he had to miss the birth of his first (we were planning on 3) to follow a dream he had, we were okay with that.  I was supposed to be going home when and if he were to deploy so that we could save money and I would have my family around me while I was pregnant and had the baby.  When he told me that he was told he most likely was not going I decided that I would go out to New Orleans for the three weeks he would be gone in 29 Palms so that I would still get to spend some time with them.  The very first night I was there I got a phone call from him.  These happened but not every single day because usually with Verizon you do not have very good service out there and you have to walk like a mile or two from everything just to make a call.  I told him it was not necessary to do that everyday and usually on the days he did not walk out, he borrowed a buddy's phone who had another carrier and called me just to say "hi, I love you".  When he called me the first night he was out there he sounded so happy.  He said "Okay, I have good news and bad news.  What do you want first?".  He already knew that answer.  I always wanted to hear bad news first.  He said, "I won't get to meet the baby til it's a few months old".  I then said,"Okay so the good news?", which I sort of knew already.  He said, "They came and told me today that I am in fact deploying!  They actually came up to me with a smile on their face and asked, Hey Little, how would you like to go on the deployment? Which they knew the answer to.  I replied, HECK YES Sir!".  I was sad he would not be home but so happy for him.  It was good for his career, it was what he trained for, and also he just felt he had to be out there with his guys.  Completely understandable.  It is quite heartbreaking now thinking that he should be going with them.  He was so close to one of his dreams and he never got to live it out.  I keep thinking things like how much I wish I was telling him goodbye for only 7 months. Heck, I would take a 5 YEAR deployment with no phone calls if it meant he got to come home afterwards.  I miss him and his amazing personality so much.  It is a huge chunk missing from my life.  When I am having a bad day and need to get out of the house, I usually go walk around the mall or something which is something we did quite often together (not his favorite activities I assure you).  When I do, I can still hear his voice in my head in every single thought I have.  "That shirt looks like a table cloth", "Come on babe, do you REALLY need another pair of shoes?" etc. They make me sad and make me giggle all at once. I must look crazy because there are many times throughout the day I simply bust out laughing at something I remember him saying and no one else knows why I am laughing.  I wish I could hear his laugh more than anything right now.  I hope that all of his guys stay safe while they are gone and know that Corey loved them dearly.  He would give anything to be with them right now and I hope, in some way, he is.  As long as I can have him watching over me in early September.  I love you Corey.  I am so sorry you did not get to go live your dream of fighting for your country but, I am glad that we got to make one of your biggest dreams come true.  You get to be a father.

Sinking In

There are no words for how incredibly happy I was when I had Corey. He was the most positive person I ever met. As cliche' as it might sound, he really did make me a better person. He never let anything petty get to him, I rarely saw him angry at anything, and he would never say anything bad or judgmental about anyone else. I noticed all of these things while he was still here, but not to the degree that I am noticing it now. I am missing that positive influence so badly these days. If I was ever upset about something, he would try and come up with a solution in a very calm manner and no matter what happened, he would never ever get upset. Not too long ago he got a flat tire. I would have been the girl on the side of the road pouting why my oh why can't I just go home? Corey snapped a picture of it, posted it on Facebook with something along the lines of (3rd flat tire this year) and laughed it off because that's really all you can do when you have bad luck. What would my pouting have done besides take me longer to actually get home? I have a lot of time to think and I know if there is one thing that I am going to take away from the 5 amazing years I spent with Corey, it will be his positive outlook on everything. He was like no other. We need more people in the world like that. He was always joking around. So much, in fact, that sometimes I would beg him to answer a question just once in a serious way because he loved to use his witty sarcasm to make me laugh and gosh, he really was funny. It is starting to finally sink in that he is not coming back. He should be with his fellow Marines right now doing what he loved. Life is simply not fair. All I can think is that he is smiling down and saying it's ok, as he did with every situation we were put into and I pouted that it "wasn't fair". I pray every single day that his daughter has that same outlook on life. It is a quality about someone that you simply cannot beat. He was such a good man. I am still learning from him as I sit and remember all of the things we did and how he acted in certain situations. You don't find many people like that anymore. He was that perfect Southern Gentleman. He always opened doors for everyone, pulled out chairs etc. If I had a girlfriend over he would make sure we were ok on food and drink and continue to ask throughout the visit if there was anything he could do for us, not a surprise to me as this was how he was when we were alone at home as well, but always a surprise to my friends. You simply do not see that anymore. I have decided that along with being the best Mom I can be to Corey Ann, I am going to spend my time helping others. This is what Corey loved to do and I want nothing more than to make him proud. I plan on volunteering at the VA hospital along with a few other organizations and getting as involved as I can. People have been so supportive these past 2 months and it really showed me how much a simple act of kindness can really help someone when they are in need or hurting. I wish that I could thank everyone for their kindness and generosity personally, but this is not possible since so many of them did things anonymously. So, here is my thank you to you. I may not know who you are, but Corey does and I can guarantee he thanks you as well. I also need to say thank you to Corey, for showing me how much you can love a person (not a day went by that I ever had to wonder, he was always showing me how much he cared), and for teaching me to be a better person. I love you Corey. You are the best decision I have ever made.

What really matters...

I have had a lot of time to think these past few weeks. One thing that I keep thinking about is what actually matters. When people sometimes say things like "Love is all you need" and things similar to that, most of the time we think that they are being cliche' and we hear them but we do not really understand what it actually means. I have been thinking about all of the things that used to matter and how unimportant they really were. As a young married couple Corey and I often discussed money issues, which is a common topic I am sure. It just upsets me that we wasted time worrying about that. In the grand scheme of things, as cliche as it sounds, I would much rather live in a cardboard box with Corey than in a mansion without him any day. I would take on the National Debt to have him back because I know that together we could have made it through anything. Another thing is some things I would get upset about. Nothing big, just small things that I would criticize that I am positive every wife does and gosh, I wish I would have just not been bothered by any of it. I had him. That made me the luckiest girl in the world and I honestly did not even know it. I often told him that I felt like the luckiest girl in the world but I did not know that I actually was while I had him. That's what really matters. I did not get off of the sofa to tell him bye the morning he left for work and never came home. He came to me and kissed me and told me bye. I should have gotten off of the sofa though, and gave him a big hug and kiss, and told him how lucky I was to have him. I know that is the typical thing people think in hindsight but, I am simply writing this to say, do it. Tell them you love them every single day. Even if you sound like a broken record. God forbid anyone get dealt the horrible hand I got dealt but, in the event that anyone ever did, I can assure you that there were never enough kisses, hugs, compliments, hours spent together, or anything else like that. You will have always wished you would have done more. So, over do it. I know Corey knows I love him and knew it then but I still feel as though I could have showed him even more. People are not lying when they say love is all you need. I firmly believe that is true. Together, we could have done anything. I love you Corey.

The Day it happened.

I have heard many stories about military widows. I usually hear of them on the news or through a mutual friend and think "How sad, I cannot even imagine". I was right, there was no way that I would ever be prepared for February 22 and the morning of the 23rd. February 22 was a Wednesday and Corey and I got to sleep in late since he had a night flight and did not have to be in to work until about 1:30. This was typical for night flights which was something we were used to. That morning he woke up and cooked me breakfast (as he always did when he had time). I usually covered all of the other meals but he was the breakfast guy. Usually on Sunday mornings we would both wake up late and he would cook breakfast for me. It was a tradition. Like every morning he did that, he would take his laptop and put it on the counter top to listen to music while he was in the kitchen. I still to this day am not quite sure why, but without fail he would put the first song on and it was always "Beast of Burden" by The Rolling Stones. I would usually come into the kitchen and dance with him to it while he tried to cook and we would both laugh at my crazy dance moves. Feb 22 was no different. We had a fun morning and at about 12:30 he kissed me bye and said the last thing he ever said to me "I can't wait to get home to you". Then he was gone.

I went about my day as usual, which entailed me finally getting off of the couch at 1:30, doing a few things around the apartment, and taking Lola (our dog) for a walk. I got a message from my friend Tiffany asking if I wanted to go shopping and out to dinner and if you know me, I am not one to turn shopping down. So, I got dressed and met her at her place. We went to a few stores and ate at a sushi place (I only got the cooked stuff so no worries). At about 7pm we finally made it back to Tiffany's house and I headed home. My plan was to do some laundry and all the dishes then head to bed and when I woke up, Corey would be there sleeping next to me snoring extremely loud. I did not go to bed until about 11pm that night. When I woke up at about 4:30am to go to the bathroom, he still was not home. Odd yes but, not insane. My first reaction was that the flight maybe did not go so well and someone got in trouble and they had to stay late and clean things. But, he usually texted me to let me know about when he thought he would head home. I had no messages and his phone was off which was another normal thing since he kept it in his locker turned off when he was at work or else it would run out of power. At about 5am I started to worry. They were supposed to have landed 4 hours before that. I knew it was early but, I called my friend Heather whose husband has the same job as Corey just in a different squadron. I told her what was up and asked if I was over reacting, which is a normal thing for me to do. She said no I was not crazy and she might be worried too. Now, with that being my husband's job I have seen many stories about helicopter crashes and always kind of worried but, then I would get a call from him saying "No worries, it was no one in our squadron." While on the phone with Heather I googled Marine Helicopter Crash. Sounds crazy, I know, but the 1st thing a military wife does is google something like that when we are worried. I saw an article that had been posted 3 minutes earlier about a Marine Helicopter Collision in Yuma, AZ and although I sort of freaked out, I also said "I don't think they fly that far" (we lived in San Diego). I ran into the living room to see if anything was on the news and told Heather I would call her back. I called Corey's squadron and asked if my husband was still at work and the guy very calmly said, you need to call the duty officer we are not allowed to answer any questions........I automatically thought, he just did. As if running on autopilot I went to put shorts and a shirt on since I was not decent and as soon as I went to call Heather back to tell her I was still very worried, my doorbell rang. No one rings your doorbell at 6am. I will never forget the feeling in my stomach as I looked through the peep hole in the door and saw the hats of 3 Marines. It is simply a moment that every single Marine wife dreads. I knew. I opened the door and they asked to come in. I let them in and one said "Mamn, at about 8pm last night your husband was involved in a helicopter crash and has passed away". I felt like I was dreaming. It was one of those things that is just way too big to even believe it is real. I sat on the couch and said "Oh my God, what am I going to do....I'm pregnant", which was the very first thing that came to my mind. See, Corey was so excited about being a dad. He slept with his hand on my stomach every night since we found out I was pregnant. What followed was a whirlwind. Tons of people came over, everyone I knew had heard in a matter of hours from news reports and word of mouth. It was insane. The 1st 2 weeks I had at least 10 people around me at all times and I still felt all alone. No one got me like he did. To be honest, at a month out, it still feels like it is not real. I have cried yes, but most definitely not a lot as I simply have not accepted it. I feel he was cheated. He did not get to live. He will never meet his daughter. It simply is not fair. I have found myself saying the phrase "It isn't fair" a lot lately. We were so happy. We led a simple life and just loved each other so much. I volunteered for multiple organizations, we always helped our friends with any and everything they needed so why did we deserve this? Why couldn't we just be left alone? There are so many bad people in the world.....why? I still feel all alone. I have moved back to Georgia where he was from and I am in the process of buying a home. It was our dream to come back here when he was done with the Marine Corps. But, I still feel alone. Everyone else gets to go back to their life they had before. I have nothing I had before. I am only 24 and I am left wondering what I am supposed to do now. I had already made my choice. I knew what I wanted. All I wanted was him. It's simply so big I cannot accept it yet. I will just have to be strong for our sweet little girl Corey Ann.