I have contemplated a lot about whether or not I should write this blog post. I finally came to the decision that, although I don't "owe" anyone an explanation, I will share this with everyone anyway.
I spent the last year being the most upset, distraught, and lost as I have ever been in my life and hopefully will never feel that way again. As time went on I would have a good day every now and then only to be left feeling guilty for not having a day where I cried all day. To be honest, and for those who have had to grieve the loss of someone extremely close to them will know this, grief is exhausting and very overwhelming. So is always worrying about whether or not you are doing it right. Truth is, there is no correct or incorrect way to grieve. There is no timeline, there is not a rulebook. If there was, I would follow it to a T. But, I am doing this blindly and I will say, I am trying my very best.
One thing I have struggled with a lot, which I wish I did not, is always worrying about what others think of me. I have come to learn after getting to know other young widows like myself that it is quite normal to worry about that. I always feel that every move I make is being judged by someone. I need to stop worrying about that and worry about my own happiness. If not, I will drive myself crazy. I will preface what I am about to say with this. I love Corey and will love him for the rest of my life. Nothing will ever change that and as long as I know that, that's all that matters.
I have recently started dating someone. To even write that sentence freaks me out because I know that soon, it will be read by someone who didn't know and I am honestly afraid of what people will think. Should I be? Absolutely not. Doesn't change the fact that I am. I think though that 1. Corey would want me to move "forward" and to be happy and 2. I had an extremely hard year and few months and I deserve to be happy. As much as it pains me to say, I could wait a year, two, five, ten, to start dating and no matter how long I wait or what I do or don't do, Corey cannot come back.
I am only 25 so why shouldn't I get to live a full life? Like I said, I think that Corey would want that for me. In fact he told me he did when we had the "what if something ever happened to me" conversation while he was gearing up to deploy. I always swore I would never ever be with anyone else. I told him I would be a cat lady and never get out of bed but, that is simply not realistic. Also, I always imagined that if something were to ever happen to one of us, it would be when we were much older, not 24 and 25. I will continue to love him and honor him as long as I live though. I will continue to be a huge part of the Little family no matter what happens in my life, they are still my family. I will always do runs and anything else I can in honor of him. I just do not think that I should have to be alone forever to "prove" to some people that I still love my late husband. I do hope that things work out with this guy. He is extremely sweet, very sensitive to the situation, has a lot of respect for Corey, and is great with Corey Ann.
I got the courage to write this blog, as well as tell Corey's family about me being with someone, from talking it out with tons of other widows. I want to say thank you to all of you for giving me the strength to do it. I was terrified of making people upset with me. Now I know, and hope, that people just want the best for me. Thank you also to everyone who has been there for me for the past year and 2 months. You have no idea how much it means to me to have such amazing people in my life!! I love you all!!
