What will people think of this?

What will people think of this?   That's a question I ask myself way too much.  It's agony.  It's tiring.  It's not fair.  Did anyone ever force me to ask that? Nope.  I think it just automatically comes with having a horrible tragedy happen in your family where a lot of people's feelings are involved.

I've heard a few quotes lately with the main point being, you don't actually start living until you are living for yourself.  If that's indeed true, then I have been doing a bad job of it lately.  You see, when you have a tragedy happen in your life two things are bound to happen.  Number one is, everyone who has ever known you will be there to show support and share kind words. Number two is, some, not all, of those people will then proceed to have an opinion on everything you do in relation to the tragedy.  It's really sad actually and it does not end with me.  The sad and daunting fact about the way that grief works is that it does not really show up until well after everyone else has moved on/thinks you are okay/thinks that enough time has passed.  I read a book recently about a widow whose husband was in the hospital and she had just basically been told that he was not going to make it.  She said that she could not cry, she could not shed one emotion, yet she did.  She was in the room with her parents and his and she threw her arms around him in the bed and yelled for him to please stay.  She even admitted that she did this even though she felt nothing at that moment (shock will do that).  She did it for everyone else.  She said that as soon as she did that, she felt everyone in the room sigh in relief.  This is the types of things that people who are grieving need to do.

Corey was my everything, as I have said a million times in this blog.  I know that.  I know it to my core and I feel it every single day the same way I did the day that I said "I Do".  But, here I am saying it over and over on a blog to people who some, barely know me, and some, who know me but may not completely understand how I feel, and why? Because, now that I have a boyfriend, and I smile.....often, I feel the need to PROVE it to people.  Well, that needs to stop. Why I feel that way, I don't know.  Maybe it is because there is always a guilt that widows, even parents feel when they are grieving and they feel that if they smile, while their loved one is dead, it means that it's okay and that they are over it.  It's no way to live. I am tired of wondering what people will think.  I am also tired of worrying....ALL THE TIME about whose feelings I will hurt next.  If you go out with your boyfriend/husband/friends and have some drinks, and you take a picture with them with a genuine smile on your face, do you stop before sharing it on Facebook or anything else and ask yourself, "Do I look too happy? Am I going to upset anyone with this?".  My guess is most likely you don't.  But, think about how stressful it would be if you had to.  I don't want to apologize for living.  Corey would be furious if I ever had to anyway.  That's why I am able to be happy.  His love for me was so strong and we had a marriage that some people dream of and guess what, that gives me so much confidence and strength to know that.  I can go out into the world and know that no matter what I choose to do, he still loves me and is so proud of me.  It took me a long long time to get here but I am sure happy that I did.  It's time for this little Mommy to stop asking "What will people think of this?" and start asking,"What do I want?".  Because in order to honor my husband and be the best Mommy ever to his little girl, I have to live life the way I want to. The point here is this.  Grief is messy.  I have not had a big problem with the topic I am talking about as much as some widows I have met.  It's sad.  Not only did they lose their husband but they also lost a long laundry list of other things. Those include; their identity, their dreams of the future, their privacy, and the parent of their children. So, if you know anyone grieving, a sibling, a parent, a spouse, or anyone, please remember that you actually have no idea at all how you would handle it if you were in their shoes and applaud them for getting out of bed that day. They deserve it! :)  I love my husband, always have always will and that will never change.  I know that in my heart, and guess what?  That's enough for me. 

Faith

We are within a week of the date marking two years since my Corey was taken from me. That day a lot was taken from me, and not only me, my daughter. My dreams of an uncomplicated family with one set of inlaws and a Mommy and a Daddy and a two story house with my husband and three kids all died with my husband. My dreams exploded over the desert in Arizona.  Another thing that I lost that day was my faith. It is not something that I speak of often because honestly, I'm angry. You hear about people being mad at God and I used to say that I never would be but that was before my perfectly healthy, do gooder husband was needlessly killed in a freak accident. To say that I've been "mad" at God is a very nice way to say it. That is sugar coating at its finest. I have been furious. I have cried, yelled, begged, screamed, and even, in some very dark moments, thrown things at walls in anger at God. Since it was indeed an accident I could not help but place blame on him. Why were bad people who belong in prison allowed to live and Corey was not?...........well a few months ago things started to change. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I think Corey is with him? Yes. Would Corey want me to be angry? No. There's a bible verse that states that "God grieves with us". It makes me think about that part in the movie "Bruce Almighty" where they are walking on the water and "God" (or Morgan Freeman) is telling Bruce the rules. You can't mess with free will. Bruce says,"Can I ask why?" And he says "Yes you can! That's the beauty of it". So it being that the accident was just that, an accident, I have come to terms with the fact that God did not have a hand in killing my husband. What I was really angry at was that he didn't stop it. But if he had, it would have been messing with free will. Which is something that we are promised. I want to find my way back to church. I want to be a good Christian who has no grudge against God. After all, if I'm right, God is my ticket to see my husband again someday, and that's the most amazing heaven I can possibly imagine. So this is me apologizing. Apologizing for being bitter, and angry for far too long. If I waste this life, waste my time with my daughter bring angry all the time, it would be doing Corey no justice. What would he  want? He would want his family happy. Can we ever be the same? No. But what we can do is take this as a lesson about how every single conversation, moment, day, phone call matters. You never  know when you won't be able to again and I promise you it will come out of no where and you will always be left wishing you had acted different, done more, said more, and showed more love.  What I forgot to do in all of my anger was thank God for the chance to have even met Corey, to know love as deep as I did, to have met someone who changed me so so much for the better and made me a much better person, and for my amazing piece of him, our daughter. I did what people often do, I looked at the bad and focused on that. I miss my husband every single day. He was my best friend. We laughed together, cried together, and shared everything. To lose him felt like I also lost myself. My life literally revloved around him and I absolutely loved every single second of it. Whatever fire I had burning inside of me felt as if it had been completely blown out on February 22,2012. I am starting to see the sun through the clouds though. It's not cliche to say that Corey would want me to be happy. Would he want his child growing up with nothing but sad, negative people around her just so that she could grow up to be sad and negative? NO WAY. Corey was the most positive person I knew and he would want that for his family. Happiness. So from now on I won't feel bad for trying to be happy. I used to feel as if it was dishonoring him if I smiled too much or didn't cry for a day but now I realize that it would be dishonoring him to not make the most of this life and teach his daughter how good the world can be. Even with all of the bad things that happen. There is still so much good out there. I'm going to honor Corey by being the happiest I can possibly be and teaching Corey Ann to live this life to the fullest. Now for the things that I am grateful for,which is a nice change from listing everything that I lost, my parents who have stood by me and been there for me through all of my hard times, my family who has been extremely supportive, my "Little" family who have been my go to people when I am at my absolute worst (since they are really the only ones who know what I'm feeling), my friends who have listened to me for hours while I had my struggles with anxiety and have been very supportive through everything, my daughter who puts a smile on my face everyday even if she does make me want to pull my hair out sometimes ( I think that's all Mom's) , and last but not least, Kevin. As many times as I have been moody, sad for no reason, bitter, grumpy, compared him to Corey, and anything else you can imagine, he stays and continues to be there for me. Not just me. For Corey Ann as well. He even changes nasty diapers which in my book makes him a keeper for sure! Thank you for all of you. I love you all. With all of your help, that fire is slowly reigniting. I couldn't have done it without you. Also, thank you God for all the gifts you have given me. I was lost for a little while but, I'm finding my way back.