1. Shock and Denial.
This one was a tough one and I'll explain why. I am sure that most people who lose a loved one are in some sort of shock but, as people get older and older I would assume that it is not as shocking when a 100 year old who lived a full life dies as when a perfectly healthy 25 year old does. I guess I could be wrong there but, I can 100% say that I never in a million years saw this coming. Did I know my husband's job was dangerous? Well, yes but no. He told me it was but not in a real "and I'm scared for my life" kind of way. It was just one of those things almost like when you are younger and your parents are worried about you going off to college on your own because they know how dangerous the world can be. You are not "really" scared and although they are, they never actually think that something will happen to you. That is how I was. So, in that sense I guess I did not actually know it was dangerous, I had just heard it a few times and never actually believed it because well, nothing that bad would ever happen to him or me. We now all see how very wrong I was. But, I have to be honest here. If he had not been in the accident, and it had been another guy in the squadron. If I had to sit and watch, as all of my friends did, as people lost their husband and grieved, it would have scared me, yes. But, to be honest I really don't think that I would even think THEN that that could happen to me. You always think it's going to be someone else. There is no way you can prepare for something like that. I think back to the funeral and I have no idea how I even came out of the back room to greet everyone but then I realize, it was because I was in shock and most likely denial. I was still being the hostess, the good wife, the only thing I knew how to be at the time. This "stage" sort of takes over when it is just too much to handle. If I had to do all of that with how I feel now, I would not be able to with as much grace as I did then. That is because I am done with the shock stage, and sometimes I wish I wasn't because it was a great way to mask the pain.
2.Anger and Guilt
Oh I've had my fair share of encounters with this one for sure. I also think they should add "self pity" to this one. I sometimes get so angry that I want to throw things that no one would care if I broke just to get some of it out and then sometimes I get so sad and feel so guilty. I think, maybe if we had picked East Coast instead of West Coast while doing the "dream sheet" (sort of tells the USMC where you would "like" to be and they decide after that). He did not care and because I had JUST moved to California the month before and figured, we will move again eventually, I said to stay in California and he agreed and so we did. If I had said that I wanted to go to the East Coast, maybe we would be there now, and this never would have happened. After that, there were so many decisions that we made that I think just maybe could have determined whether or not he was on that helicopter that night. I know people will say, you can't think that way, you had no way to know. It's hard to not think that way though, and anyone who has been in my shoes will tell you that.
3.Bargaining
I still do a lot of this. These are my "take everything from me, just give me back my husband" days. I do it a lot. I beg and beg in silence to just let me see him once. I've begged to allow me to give up the rest of my life to just spend one more day with him, anything. I can say, being 100% honest, that if given the chance I would do anything, I mean anything, to be able to see him again. But, I know that's not how things work and it simply cannot happen.
4.Depression
Not clinical depression (always) but in some cases, some people do need a little help from a doctor to get past this one. Don't ask me if I will or not, because I still don't know the answer to that. On a normal day, I wake up and I am just "ok". I happen to see something online about a friend who is greeting their husband home and how they are so very excited or how sad they are that they have not seen their husband for a week and then, I get upset and shut my computer. Then, I spend time with my baby girl and she makes things better, for a while, until night time comes. I can have all the friends in the world and all the family in the world who help me out and are there for me but, at night, everyone else goes home to their own lives and I sit on my sofa watching tv alone. Yes, I have my baby girl and I am so so thankful for that but, it's different than having your other half there with you.
5.Acceptance
This stage is not to say that everything is okay, just that you accept that it happened and that you need to live with this daunting fact.
The thing about all of these stages (says all of the doctors) is that everyone goes through them at a different rate and just because you go on to another stage, does not mean that you wont take steps back into the prior one. Grief is messy and unpredictable. That I know for sure.
Our wedding anniversary was the 4th of December. I remember last year very well actually. We went out to eat, and at dinner we talked about the future. We both agreed how lucky we were to have each other, a conversation we had quite often actually. He said he was excited because it was only the beginning and we had so many amazing things ahead of us. We knew we were going to try to have kids soon and that was exciting. We were that cheesy couple holding hands across the table and barely paying attention to the waiter when she came. I miss that. When I see it at restaurants now, I cringe. I will say that I am very good at hiding my feelings. I could be falling apart on the inside and you would never know it. That helps me cope. If I get upset then people around me get upset and then they don't know how to be around me or they feel the need to "fix" me and I just don't need that. When I figure out what it is that I do need, I will be the first to let them know but, for now, I act fine and everyone can go about their business. Sometimes when I am out somewhere, a cashier or someone else I don't know, just starting friendly conversation, will ask if I'm married or something along those lines and I just say yes, and leave it at that. I bought a video game for myself a couple of weeks ago and the worker said, "Is this for you?". I said yes and she then said,"Oh I bet your husband loves the fact that his wife plays video games too!" (guess she saw my ring) and I just agreed. These people don't know that I am screaming inside, and they don't need to.
I went to a funeral recently. My grandmother's friend's husband passed away, he was 98. He was in the Army when he was younger and had the flag on the casket and everything. I did not even realize how much it would affect me. At one point I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to pull myself together. I looked around and, no one was crying. People seemed sad, yes, but this was also a celebration of his long life lived. There was a slideshow of photos playing and it was pictures from his entire life. He and his wife growing old together, buying a house, traveling, etc. I was envious. This was what Corey "should" have had. A funeral when he was pushing 100 and lived a full life. This couple did not do anything world changing. I was just envious of the fact that they got to be together that long. I had my life all planned out. I did not want anything extravagant. I wanted three kids, a house, and a beautiful simple life with the man I loved. I wanted to celebrate 50 plus anniversaries with him and live happily ever after. Had it panned out that way, I would have been happy but, never really known just how incredibly lucky I was to have it. No one knows until they lose it. They may think that they do, but there is no way to really see the whole picture until it is ripped away.
I find myself recently wondering which "stage" I am in and I can say, I have no idea. I still sometimes daydream that maybe Corey is just on some secret mission with the others and they could not tell us they had to go. (Stupid I know). Sometimes I still get angry, and I most definitely still "bargain".I cry, but not as much as I used to. I think that's because I'm still too angry about it. I will never have that simple life I wanted. I will always carry this around with me.
People often say "Oh you're still young, you might find someone else". Here is what I have to say about that because it was recently brought to my attention by a friend of mine that people are wondering about "that" part of my life now and how I will handle it. I am not as strong as some may think. I miss Corey extremely and being with someone right now or anytime time soon for that matter would only be to fill the huge void that Corey left. But, I will say that when the time comes, I have no intentions of ever getting married or having anymore children, ever again. I have my reasons for that, some I'm not so proud of like financial ones but, also, I married who I wanted to marry. Neither he nor I willingly ended it. I will forever feel like I am married to him. I know for a fact that he and I would have celebrated those 50 plus anniversaries had he not been taken too soon and for that, I cannot picture ever doing those things with someone else. I am also not blind to the fact that it's crazy to think I will be alone forever. I know that I wont. But, when and if I ever date or don't date again, it will be on my timeline and my terms. Not because some people think that I should because it's been long enough and not because some people think that I should not because, to them, it hasn't been long enough. I wont be able to please everyone I'm sure but, my feelings come first. For my own sanity if anything else. It is not fair for people to give their opinion on things that they honestly know nothing about. I have seen it happen to some of my new found widow friends and it breaks their heart because it makes them feel extreme guilt and that they are being pushed and pulled in every direction. People have no right to tell you its too soon or that it's time to move on. No one knows what's right. A year? Two? Five? Never? No one knows or has the right to say that they do. Especially when they are not the ones who have to go home alone every night. It is also easy for people to say "Isn't it time to move on, it's been _____ long." That's easy for them because they have no idea how it felt to be in my husband's arms and see him smile and know it's because of you. They say it takes a year to grieve, and that's for normal relationsips. (Not to say that after a year you will be okay, just to say that you will be over the most of it) But, I'm not so sure that is correct for me because what Corey and I had was anything but ordinary. I cannot imagine ever loving someone the same as I love him except our little girl.
I don't know, maybe I am sort of in the "acceptance" stage with one foot still in depression/anger. Because I am just now coming to terms with the fact that when I think about my future, it does not look anything like it used to. There will be no big family, and growing old with the love of my life. I need to have a new future and I have no idea what I want it to look like anymore. I know that no matter what, I will always do what's best for my baby girl. She is my world. But, besides that, I have no idea what I want to do. All I wanted to be was Corey's wife and support him and cheer him on in everything that he did. My identity is gone. Almost 10 months later and I still feel lost. Lost is the best word for how I feel. Lost and stuck, as the world moves on without me....
