Time

So, this Tuesday will be 3 whole months without Corey.  Three months without hearing his laugh, without him giving me a hug and kiss every single day when he got home without fail, three months without a "Good morning sweetheart" text like I used to get every morning.  To say that I miss him is a massive understatement.  I don't like thinking about the fact that it has been three whole months.  I have been "strong" in my previous posts but this one may have to be an exception.  I am not ready for time to keep going. A fourth of a year has passed without Corey in the world.  How could that happen?  How can time just keep going when he is gone?  I seriously do not even want to celebrate my 25th birthday on the 5th of June because I was 24 when he died and I don't want anything to change.  I know that may sound strange.  I dread new movies coming out because they are things that he never got to see and new music coming out because it is songs he will never get to hear.  It is not right.  He was so young, he should be here to experience all of that.  25 years is not enough time.  We always said that forever would not be long enough for us to spend together (cliche', I know) but that is just how we were. So, how am I supposed to accept that I only got 5 years with him?  I just wish time would slow down.  I am not ready for the world to move on without my Corey.  The further away it gets, the more I am forced to believe this is not just a nightmare I will eventually wake up from.  The only good thing to come of time moving so fast is getting to meet our daughter in September.  That will be so bittersweet.  I will get to hold Corey's daughter and her life is then in my hands. What an honor that will be to raise her.  I am so blessed to be able to do that for the man I love so much.  But, as sweet as that will be, it will also be another life event that my sweet husband will not get to experience.  I just wish time would slow down........and if I could really have a wish, it would be that time would just reverse.  People told me, and so did a few books on the subject, that the third month can sometimes be a very hard one.  Even harder than previous ones because of the fact that a lot of spouses are just starting to come out of the "in shock" state.  It gets harder and harder to keep up that wall I have been keeping up so that everyone will think I am "ok".  My Mother and I are attending the T.A.P.S. National Survivor Seminar in Washington, DC for four days next week.  There are grief workshops and you also get to meet others who have been in your shoes.  I think it is coming at the perfect time.  I know it will be a mix of helpful and hard but from what I have heard from all others, it is the most helpful thing you can do for yourself after losing a service member.  I am actually looking forward to that.  Thanks again everyone for your continued support.  I really cannot say that enough.

Should be Day One

Today should be day one in a countdown that Corey and I dreaded and he also looked forward to for a long long time.  To say he tried his best to be put on deployment was an understatement.  He did not like when people thanked him for his service because he said he did not feel like he had done anything yet.   He had been trying for the past months to be put into one of the spots for his squadron's upcoming deployment.  I remember they told him right before he left for three weeks to go to EMV(Enhanced Mojave Viper) in 29 Palms that he most likely was not going to be going.  He was upset, yes, but we started to look at the bright side, he would be here for the baby's birth.   We wanted him to be here for it but in the military, it is not unusual for the husband not to be and if he had to miss the birth of his first (we were planning on 3) to follow a dream he had, we were okay with that.  I was supposed to be going home when and if he were to deploy so that we could save money and I would have my family around me while I was pregnant and had the baby.  When he told me that he was told he most likely was not going I decided that I would go out to New Orleans for the three weeks he would be gone in 29 Palms so that I would still get to spend some time with them.  The very first night I was there I got a phone call from him.  These happened but not every single day because usually with Verizon you do not have very good service out there and you have to walk like a mile or two from everything just to make a call.  I told him it was not necessary to do that everyday and usually on the days he did not walk out, he borrowed a buddy's phone who had another carrier and called me just to say "hi, I love you".  When he called me the first night he was out there he sounded so happy.  He said "Okay, I have good news and bad news.  What do you want first?".  He already knew that answer.  I always wanted to hear bad news first.  He said, "I won't get to meet the baby til it's a few months old".  I then said,"Okay so the good news?", which I sort of knew already.  He said, "They came and told me today that I am in fact deploying!  They actually came up to me with a smile on their face and asked, Hey Little, how would you like to go on the deployment? Which they knew the answer to.  I replied, HECK YES Sir!".  I was sad he would not be home but so happy for him.  It was good for his career, it was what he trained for, and also he just felt he had to be out there with his guys.  Completely understandable.  It is quite heartbreaking now thinking that he should be going with them.  He was so close to one of his dreams and he never got to live it out.  I keep thinking things like how much I wish I was telling him goodbye for only 7 months. Heck, I would take a 5 YEAR deployment with no phone calls if it meant he got to come home afterwards.  I miss him and his amazing personality so much.  It is a huge chunk missing from my life.  When I am having a bad day and need to get out of the house, I usually go walk around the mall or something which is something we did quite often together (not his favorite activities I assure you).  When I do, I can still hear his voice in my head in every single thought I have.  "That shirt looks like a table cloth", "Come on babe, do you REALLY need another pair of shoes?" etc. They make me sad and make me giggle all at once. I must look crazy because there are many times throughout the day I simply bust out laughing at something I remember him saying and no one else knows why I am laughing.  I wish I could hear his laugh more than anything right now.  I hope that all of his guys stay safe while they are gone and know that Corey loved them dearly.  He would give anything to be with them right now and I hope, in some way, he is.  As long as I can have him watching over me in early September.  I love you Corey.  I am so sorry you did not get to go live your dream of fighting for your country but, I am glad that we got to make one of your biggest dreams come true.  You get to be a father.