I'll Just Pour My Heart Out

I sometimes catch myself silently editing everything that I say and do so that people don't think I need "to talk to someone".  I figured that after a while, everyone would eventually get tired of me going on and on about how much I miss Corey, how sad I am, etc.  I stopped for OTHERS and I am not doing that anymore.  I am still a mess.  I hide it well and recently I realized, why in the heck am I hiding this?  I was widowed at 24 and three months pregnant.  I have every right in the world to be a mess for as long as I need to be.  I am strong yes, this I know, but everyone is entitled to weak moments.  Those weak moments are the only reason that I am able to put on a brave face and be strong.  Don't just think, oh she's dating again, looks like it's going well, and write the situation off.  Yes, I am dating Kevin.  Yes things are going well.  What people do not know is how many times I get upset with him because he is not doing something EXACTLY as Corey would.  That is not fair to anyone and although I know it is most likely normal, he does not deserve it.  He is extremely understanding though.  He never gets mad about it, he just says he is sorry and he understands.  Where he came from I have no idea but it amazes me.  One night a few weeks ago I broke down and started crying (as I do often) and he sat and listened to me cry about Corey and go through the entire day leading up to the accident, the last time I saw him, and then when I got notified.  He just sat there and listened.  Two days ago I all of a sudden was in a frenzy to find my wedding video (the full length one, not the ten minute montage).  I just NEEDED to see him laugh, see his mannerisms, see him look at me like he used to.  I put it on and Kevin watched the entire thing with me.  How many men would do that?  I am very blessed to have such a great support system.  If I am having a bad day, I can call my Sister in law or my Mother in law and know that if they can, they will talk to me and even cry with me.  They are having a very hard time still as well.  We don't show it anymore though.  We view it as an "annoyance".  But to us, everywhere we look, especially them still living in the house that Corey grew up in, we are reminded of him.  I look at my daughter and she looks so much like him.  When I hold her is the only time I feel close to complete again. I have been to many different psychiatrists and counselors and to be honest, I don't think that they can do anything to help me.  It is something that needs to be open and healed, not something to put a bandaid over and hope it goes away.  We are still lost.  This is not only to let you know that this is how we feel, but for anyone who has lost someone.  If you have a friend or family member that has lost someone, please do not just assume that they are "okay" because they seem that way in public.  Us widows and grieving parents are practically trained professional actors.  I miss my life, I miss my husband, I miss my friends out there in California.  I miss my tiny apartment.  But, because this is how things have to be, there is nothing I can do to change it, I am grateful for all of the people who are always there for me.  I am sorry if I may have been a burden this past year.  I am dealing with a lot and you are all angels for sticking around for my moodiness and my breakdowns.  I love you all!