A Year in Review

I have had a lot that I felt I have had to get out these past few days.  As February 1st got closer and closer I started to get more and more nervous about how I would feel about the one year anniversary of Corey's passing coming up.  I feel the need to warn you that this post will not be a pleasant one, but I just need to vent.  So, please don't read any further if you are not sure that you can handle it.

This past year I have done a lot of things that I had never imagined having to do, ever, much less at age 24.  When I should have been at an appointment with my husband that we scheduled so that we could find out the sex of our baby together, I was being handed a piece of paper stating what remains of my husband was found and it's condition.  (The absolute worst moment of my life after being notified he was gone).  Instead of going out to Babies R Us and picking out things for our little girl, I had to pick out my husband's casket. I had to fill out paper after paper and read "deceased" over and over again.  I had to make decisions, some really hard ones. I had to tour multiple cemeteries, decide if I wanted the option or not to be able to be buried next to him when the time came, plan a funeral, and everything that goes along with that.  I had to get dressed up and attend my husband's funeral.  I faced people who did not know what to say to me, and the ones I did speak with, I cannot remember what was said.   I felt like I was in a nightmare and no matter how many times I pinched myself (and at one point even slapped) I was not going to wake up from it.

I never thought that I was capable of any of that, much less going through labor knowing he was not ever coming back, bringing our daughter to a house that he would never live in, and being a single Mom.  In that respect, I have actually amazed myself.  Corey used to always tell me I was a strong person and I never believed him.  I guess I am proving him right.  There is a difference though, between being strong and being alright.  I am strong, yes, but I am not alright.  I do what I need to.  I take good care of my little girl, I pay my bills, I function.  I also cry, a lot.  I can never tell anymore when I am going to but some days are worse than others. Am I doing better than I was a little less than a year ago? Well, yes and no.  See after I was notified and for quite a long time after I was still in complete shock.  I simply could not grasp the fact that I, Nicole Little, at the age of 24, had fallen madly in love, gotten married to the man of my dreams, got pregnant, and before we had very much time to be excited about the pregnancy, my husband died.  It is not something that comes easily and to be honest, I simply could not believe it.  Maybe I went crazy for a little while.  Maybe my body did that so that I could have a safe pregnancy.  Grief never gets easier, it just gets different.  Does it sting as much as it used to? No.  If you kept getting hit in the same spot for a year, the damage would be there, but you would be numb.  That is how I feel.  Like I said though, I amaze myself every single day.  I cannot believe that I am able to do the things that I am doing.  I always swore I would be one of those people that gave up on life and never got out of bed if anything were to happen to my Corey but, when it comes down to it, (as one of my friends who has been through this too said) that is not realistic, and Corey would not want that for me.  At the end of this month I will be doing a run in memory of Corey in Disney World.  It will be a hard day but I am doing something that I can feel good about. 

All I want for my life is to make Corey proud.  I want to help people, be a great Mom, put others first, and stay positive.  Will it be hard? Extremely.  Will I get discouraged and fall apart sometimes? Definitely.  But, I will do it, and I will give it all I've got.  I want to live a life worthy of what he had to sacrifice, and I have already come further than I ever imagined I could.