What we widows really think....

I am sorry for how all over the place this post is going to be.  I have not written in quite a while and decided that it was time.  A lot has been happening lately!  Corey Ann is crawling extremely fast, she is into everything, she can stand up and scoot around a coffee table and such, she has three teeth at the bottom and two almost out at the top, and she goes around saying "Mamamama" all day everyday.  In the Mommy department you could say things are going extremely well! But, I will say honestly that in the grief department, things are not as well as I would like.  At this point I have been to two TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) seminars and a widows retreat.  One thing that I have heard over and over is that the second year is almost harder than the first.  I never really understood how that could be until now. 

The first year I was able to control my emotions pretty well.  I think it was a combination of shock and me trying so very hard to always be strong.  I have come to the conclusion though, that at some point our bodies just decide, okay, enough is enough, we need to deal with this. When that point comes, you cannot control it.  It feels like Corey was just here and that he has been gone for so so long all at the same time.  Pretty crazy stuff.

Now, I am sure that everyone to some extent "fabricates" their Facebook.  If we all put EVERYTHING we thought on Facebook not only would we probably annoy everyone and most likely offend some people, but we wouldn't be able to make everyone believe that our lives are so stinking perfect like we try so hard to show that they are on Facebook.  I do this too.  "Look at Corey Ann and I laughing and playing!!! She's so perfect" (which she totally is but that is beside the point). Now, if I wrote "Oh my goodness, Corey Ann would not go to sleep until two AM and she was crying and I was crying and then she pooped and it got all over me....then I cried some more and stomped my feet like a two year old because I am tired of being an adult and just want to go to sleep", people would gasp! (No one likes a complainer) lol.  I will be brutally honest here, it would be very upsetting to read my real thoughts.  But, I need an outlet so here they are.

I am in a relationship as everyone can see.  Actually, things are going very well! We have been together almost six months and he is very understanding and patient.  He adores Corey Ann and she loves him.  He helps me around my house and even changes her dirty diapers sometimes (if you are a Mom, you know just how awesome that is).  I am happy with him.  Now, does that mean that I don't miss Corey? ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I am still 100% in love with my husband.  It is honestly the weirdest thing that I have ever experienced.  I am with Kevin and we are doing great but I know for a fact (which is a good thing in my eyes) that I will always love Corey and miss him like crazy. We went to Pensacola, FL recently and I started to tear up whenever I saw a sign for Pensacola Naval Air Station.  Corey was there for three months while he was training and I would drive out every single weekend and see him.  All of the road signs and movie theaters and malls got to me.  I sat and wished, let me please go back to that simple time.  I still cry, actually now more than I did because I can't hold back anymore.  I get so upset when Corey Ann does something new and once again, he is not here to see it.  I will never get to see his amazing smile when he sees her smile at him.  I am sad for myself because I don't have my perfect little family like I wanted to with the Mommy and Daddy and three kids and a cute little house with a nice big mortgage and a big SUV and we go on trips to visit Grandma and so on and so forth.  I also get sad for Corey.  He missed out on so much.  This is not "Poor Nicole".  In my eyes, it's "Poor Corey" because he doesn't get to be here with us where he should be.   He missed out on raising his amazing little girl.  That, to me, is so so horrible.  She got cheated.  He would have been such an amazing Dad. 

I guess what I am trying to get across here is this.  Grief is hard.  Everything that goes along with it is hard. People who are grieving, unless they just cannot find another way of coping, will usually not let you know just how horrible they feel or how hard it really is.  That is for their benefit as much as yours.  When I started this "journey" every time someone saw me they got this sad look on their face.  I used to just call it "the look".  It was the "oh you poor thing I have no idea what I would do if that happened to me" look.  I hated that look.  I would rather some girl I've never met give me a nasty look from across the room than have someone give me "the look".  So, I eventually started putting on the "I'm fine" face so I would not have to console people around me.  It gets exhausting.  Not only am I worried about myself and how I am feeling, I am always worried about upsetting or hurting other people's feelings.  Corey's family is so so important to me.  I would not have made it through the last year and a half without them.  I have every intention of making sure that they get to see their grand daughter as much as possible because I know Corey would have wanted that and I love them as well.  They make me feel closer to him.  The problem comes in when I add another person to the mix.  Every time I post something on Facebook or talk about Kevin to them, I worry about how it will make them feel.  But, on the contrary, I cannot very well "hide" my relationship with Kevin either because that is not fair to him at all.  So, my life is a constant balancing act.  I am trying my best to make it all work!  I wish there was a rulebook for this situation. 

Another new development is that I have begun to get a little "bitter" about things.  I am pretty sure it is a part of the grieving process but frankly, I wish it would go away.  I have started wondering lately, what is the point of life? (Not in a "I don't want to live anymore" way AT ALL).  More in a, I want to know the reason for all of this. Which, I'm sure everyone else does as well at some point or another.  My Mom answered the question with, "To spend time with those you love and create lasting and good memories".  In which I responded,"Why? So one day I can attend their funeral?".  It's a sad way to look at things and I'm pretty sure it is just a phase but, this whole situation has shaken me to my core. I do not look at the world the same way I used to.  In some ways that's good but mostly, it made me worry more, and have a reason to question my faith and my purpose.  I used to look at the world with such hope.  I used to believe that anything good could happen, all of my wildest dreams could come true.  Now, I worry that every bad thing that can happen, will, and that all of my nightmares will come true.  Grief sucks. 

I am just going to go with what I have been saying all along.  The best way, I think, for me to help myself and feel that I have a purpose is to help others.  I love volunteering and helping others, especially girls who are just starting this awful journey.  Would I have been able to do that before? Probably not. Maybe that is my purpose. I did not know how very precious love and life were before and I am a better person for having learned those lessons but, I sure do miss the optimistic, fun loving, worry free Nicole that I used to be......maybe with enough time and me feeling good about helping others and raising my baby girl, I'll find her again.