California

Corey Ann and I just got back from our trip to California.  I originally put the trip off a few times before booking it because to be honest, I was not sure how I would handle it.  The last time I was there was the hardest time of my life, and before that, the best times of my life.  Facing all of those memories again was going to be hard.

The last things I remember from being there before I left were this.  Being notified of the worst news of my life while sitting on the same couch that Corey and I had been cuddling and watching TV on only hours earlier. Having friends come and go in and out of my apartment as I just sat there, which to be honest, I don't remember very much of.  Going to the doctor to make sure that the baby was ok because of all of the stress I was under.  Getting sick which, in any other normal pregnancy I would say it was morning sickness but, the only time I ever got sick during my entire pregnancy was the week that Corey died.  I remember going to the memorial at Corey's Squadron for all of the Marines involved in the accident, Corey getting his name on the memorial wall, and walking out of the squadron thinking, the last time I was walking through these doors, we were laughing and saying "See you at home".  I remember deciding to have movers come and pack up my apartment on the same day that I was getting on a plane so that I did not have to go through all of our stuff and pick up the pieces of the life I had built.  California was the last place I felt the world was a great place, the last place I felt secure, and the last place I felt like myself.  Going to see all of the people and places that Corey and I used to go and see was difficult to say the least.  Driving down the 5 and the 78 toward San Marcos from Camp Pendleton was hard.  Every exit I passed and store I saw held a memory of us.  I cried the entire time on 78.  Looking around thinking, we used to eat there, I used to drag him into that mall all of the time, we loved going there, we had date night there.  I begged and begged God to let the world change around me as I drove.  Let me still be pregnant and let me be driving back to our apartment where he was waiting for me.  I'd give anything, I swore.  I promised I would do things differently, not that I did anything I regret, but that I would make sure I never wasted a minute of time with him, I would let him know just how much I adored him and everything he did, I would love him like no one has ever been loved before, and I would make a difference in the world.  Just let me be driving home I begged.  But, that didn't happen.  The world is not like that, and it stung even more. 

I saw a lot of our friends and it was good to see them, just as it was hard. Everyone has continued living their lives, the life I was supposed to be living right now with Corey.  I visited the squadron and saw all of the guys my husband worked with.  They were all happy to see the baby.  I had lunches and dinners with friends that were great.  Everyone was so happy to see (and say) just how much she looks like Corey.  I had dinner with another wife whose husband was one of the ones who died with Corey and it was helpful.  I also had lunch with a fellow widow and it was so very nice talking to someone who understood and had been in my shoes and to see where she is in her grief and her life now.  I did a lot of things that were good for my grief, as hard as it was. 

As we come up on the one year anniversary of the accident (which seems crazy to me) things will get harder.  I sometimes sit and wonder how I have made it through these past 11 months and that I cannot believed I survived a year in a world that Corey is not in anymore.  I will forever miss our simple life we lived in California.  I loved it so much.  No matter how many times we had to watch our spending to make sure we could make it to the next paycheck, how many times he got unexpectedly called into work, and how far we were from the rest of our family, I would trade everything in this world, even the ability to live the rest of my life, for one more month, week, day, or even hour with Corey.  Those were the good times.  He was my everything.  I love you Corey.  Thank you for showing me what happy was, and for showing me how to be the person I am today.  You were and always will be my strength, and the reason I try to be the best person and Mom I can be.  Thank you forever.....

New Year

Last year on New Years day was one of the happiest days ever.  Corey and I were at his parents house in Georgia for the holidays and I woke up before him.  Right when I opened my eyes I for some reason decided to go take a pregnancy test.  I had taken 2 the week before but, was hoping that maybe it was just too early to tell and maybe, just maybe it would be positive this time.  I tiptoed passed him and went to take it.  I waited the whole 2 or 3 minutes it says to take it and then looked. My heart sunk at first glance. I thought it was negative again.  We were so ready and although we had just started trying two weeks before, I guess I was hoping it was just meant to be.  Well I picked it up off of the counter and in the light saw an extremely faint line.  I just stared at it for a minute and then pulled out the paper that explained how these things worked.  Up until that point I was not even sure exactly where that second line was supposed to show up and this time it was as if I could see where it was supposed to be, but it was not visible at first glance.  The paper said that any line at all indicated pregnancy.  I suddenly smiled. I knew it had to have been early, possibly the very first few hours I would have been able to tell anyway, but there it was, a positive.  I threw the tiptoing out of the door at that point and ran into the bedroom, flipped on the light, and said. "Corey, can you come in here for a second?" (very calmly so he would not know exactly why yet).  He slowly got up out of bed with a "seriously baby, it's vacation and it's 7am" face on but, he came without complaint.  I picked up the test and showed him and he just smiled and started rubbing my back.  His face was so cute.  He had this "well, we did it" look.  I will never forget it.  He looked so content, and I was too.  We told his parents that day and they were excited too.  His Dad called me "Little Momma" the rest of the trip.  We asked his brother to be the Godfather and he then started telling people "jokingly" to call him "The Godfather", haha.  We went home to California a few days later and went to the doctor to confirm it.  I was a mess hoping that the test was not wrong and so he got off of work that day early to meet me at the doctor's office.  The doctor came into the room and said immediately, "Well Mrs.Little, it looks like you're going to be a Mom".  We both smiled and went out to eat to celebrate....................

This New Years Day I woke up, bought flowers, and drove up to the cemetery to visit Corey's grave.  Never in a million years would I have thought last year, when we were so happy about starting our family and having the first of hopefully three kids that this year I would be going to a National Cemetery to visit him.  It's unfair. It's scary.  It's eye opening. No one can escape it.  You never know when it will happen.  We were just starting out. That was just the beginning for us, or so we thought.

I have been non stop since the accident last February.  Idle time is not good for me.  I have too much time to think, and frankly, feel sorry for myself.  I hate it. So, I stay busy, travel, do anything to keep my mind off of it. I think that may have hurt me though.  Last year I attended a Seminar in Washington DC for Military Survivors and one thing that a speaker said that sat with me was that you can never escape grief.  You can put it off for days, months, years, but one day it will come back and you will have to deal with it.  That is so true.  I used to have a problem crying in front of people because I did not want anyone to be uncomfortable around me, not know what to say, or just avoid me entirely so, I hid my feelings.  That is becoming harder and harder to do and I think it's because I've bottled it up too long.  I cry in front of people now which is weird for me but the tears just come out, I cannot even help it.  I cannot believe that in almost a month it will have been a year since my Corey was alive last.  A whole year.  I miss him, whole heartedly, longingly, hopelessly miss him.  I need him in my life.  I buy things to remember him by almost once a month, earrings, a "C" charm to put onto my necklace that I wear.  The same necklace that Corey gave me the first year we were married. I did not wear it everyday but when I did his whole face would light up and he would say how happy it made him when I wore it.  I have not taken it off since February 22.

New Years day was not the only time during the holidays that I went to visit Corey.  We went on Christmas Day too.  I broke down in the car on the way into the cemetery.  That morning I remembered thinking I was cold so I went and turned the heater on and then it hit me, I'm warm and cozy.....and as aweful as it sounds, he was not.  He would never be again, and it was not fair.  I remember telling my Mom on Christmas Eve when she asked what our plans for Christmas was, I said, "Oh, you know, just what every 25 year old wants to do on Christmas day, going to visit my husband's grave". She was not quite sure how to respond to that but that was my fault.  I need to not be so bitter. 

I do not know what this new year brings but, I hope it is better than last year.  It's hard for me to say that 2012 was a terrible year as a whole because I had Corey Ann.  I just hope that this year is a little easier.

I kept wondering what I was going to do with my life now.  I knew what I wanted before but, that cannot happen anymore.  I started to realize that the best way to make myself feel better is to help others.  So, that's what I'm going to do.  I am going to do whatever I can to help others. Especially those whose shoes I have been in.  I cannot think of a better way to honor Corey than to be the best Mom I can be to his little girl, and to help others in any way that I can by volunteering my time and anything else that I can do for others.  That's my new dream. 

What stage is this again?

When the accident first happened, I was handed many different books on grief and what doctors say it should be like. Some doctors say there are 5 stages, and some say there are 7. We will go ahead and say there are 5 because, well, my life is complicated enough without adding two more extra steps (haha).  So here they are.

1. Shock and Denial.
      This one was a tough one and I'll explain why.  I am sure that most people who lose a loved one are in some sort of shock but, as people get older and older I would assume that it is not as shocking when a 100 year old who lived a full life dies as when a perfectly healthy 25 year old does. I guess I could be wrong there but, I can 100% say that I never in a million years saw this coming.  Did I know my husband's job was dangerous? Well, yes but no.  He told me it was but not in a real "and I'm scared for my life" kind of way.  It was just one of those things almost like when you are younger and your parents are worried about you going off to college on your own because they know how dangerous the world can be.  You are not "really" scared and although they are, they never actually think that something will happen to you.  That is how I was.  So, in that sense I guess I did not actually know it was dangerous, I had just heard it a few times and never actually believed it because well, nothing that bad would ever happen to him or me. We now all see how very wrong I was.  But,  I have to be honest here.  If he had not been in the accident, and it had been another guy in the squadron.  If I had to sit and watch, as all of my friends did, as people lost their husband and grieved, it would have scared me, yes. But, to be honest I really don't think that I would even think THEN that that could happen to me.  You always think it's going to be someone else.  There is no way you can prepare for something like that.  I think back to the funeral and I have no idea how I even came out of the back room to greet everyone but then I realize, it was because I was in shock and most likely denial.  I was still being the hostess, the good wife, the only thing I knew how to be at the time.  This "stage" sort of takes over when it is just too much to handle.  If I had to do all of that with how I feel now, I would not be able to with as much grace as I did then. That is because I am done with the shock stage, and sometimes I wish I wasn't because it was a great way to mask the pain.

2.Anger and Guilt
       Oh I've had my fair share of encounters with this one for sure. I also think they should add "self pity" to this one.  I sometimes get so angry that I want to throw things that no one would care if I broke just to get some of it out and then sometimes I get so sad and feel so guilty.  I think, maybe if we had picked East Coast instead of West Coast while doing the "dream sheet" (sort of tells the USMC where you would "like" to be and they decide after that).  He did not care and because I had JUST moved to California the month before and figured, we will move again eventually, I said to stay in California and he agreed and so we did.  If I had said that I wanted to go to the East Coast, maybe we would be there now, and this never would have happened.  After that, there were so many decisions that we made that I think just maybe could have determined whether or not he was on that helicopter that night.  I know people will say, you can't think that way, you had no way to know.  It's hard to not think that way though, and anyone who has been in my shoes will tell you that.

3.Bargaining
        I still do a lot of this.  These are my "take everything from me, just give me back my husband" days.  I do it a lot.  I beg and beg in silence to just let me see him once.  I've begged to allow me to give up the rest of my life to just spend one more day with him, anything.  I can say, being 100% honest, that if given the chance I would do anything, I mean anything, to be able to see him again.  But, I know that's not how things work and it simply cannot happen.

4.Depression
     Not clinical depression (always) but in some cases, some people do need a little help from a doctor to get past this one.  Don't ask me if I will or not, because I still don't know the answer to that.  On a normal day, I wake up and I am just "ok".  I happen to see something online about a friend who is greeting their husband home and how they are so very excited or how sad they are that they have not seen their husband for a week and then, I get upset and shut my computer.  Then, I spend time with my baby girl and she makes things better, for a while, until night time comes.  I can have all the friends in the world and all the family in the world who help me out and are there for me but, at night, everyone else goes home to their own lives and I sit on my sofa watching tv alone. Yes, I have my baby girl and I am so so thankful for that but, it's different than having your other half there with you. 

5.Acceptance
     This stage is not to say that everything is okay, just that you accept that it happened and that you need to live with this daunting fact. 


The thing about all of these stages (says all of the doctors) is that everyone goes through them at a different rate and just because you go on to another stage, does not mean that you wont take steps back into the prior one.  Grief is messy and unpredictable.  That I know for sure. 

Our wedding anniversary was the 4th of December.  I remember last year very well actually.  We went out to eat, and at dinner we talked about the future.  We both agreed how lucky we were to have each other, a conversation we had quite often actually. He said he was excited because it was only the beginning and we had so many amazing things ahead of us.  We knew we were going to try to have kids soon and that was exciting.  We were that cheesy couple holding hands across the table and barely paying attention to the waiter when she came.  I miss that.  When I see it at restaurants now, I cringe.  I will say that I am very good at hiding my feelings.  I could be falling apart on the inside and you would never know it.  That helps me cope. If I get upset then people around me get upset and then they don't know how to be around me or they feel the need to "fix" me and I just don't need that.  When I figure out what it is that I do need, I will be the first to let them know but, for now, I act fine and everyone can go about their business. Sometimes when I am out somewhere, a cashier or someone else I don't know, just starting friendly conversation, will ask if I'm married or something along those lines and I just say yes, and leave it at that.  I bought a video game for myself  a couple of weeks ago and the worker said, "Is this for you?".  I said yes and she then said,"Oh I bet your husband loves the fact that his wife plays video games too!" (guess she saw my ring) and I just agreed.  These people  don't know that I am screaming inside, and they don't need to. 

I went to a funeral recently.  My grandmother's friend's husband passed away, he was 98.  He was in the Army when he was younger and had the flag on the casket and everything.  I did not even realize how much it would affect me.  At one point I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to pull myself together.  I looked around and, no one was crying.  People seemed sad, yes, but this was also a celebration of his long life lived. There was a slideshow of photos playing and it was pictures from his entire life.  He and his wife growing old together, buying a house, traveling, etc. I was envious.  This was what Corey "should" have had.  A funeral when he was pushing 100 and lived a full life.  This couple did not do anything world changing.  I was just envious of the fact that they got to be together that long.  I had my life all planned out.  I did not want anything extravagant.  I wanted three kids, a house, and a beautiful simple life with the man I loved. I wanted to celebrate 50 plus anniversaries with him and live happily ever after.  Had it panned out that way, I would have been happy but, never really known just how incredibly lucky I was to have it.  No one knows until they lose it.  They may think that they do, but there is no way to really see the whole picture until it is ripped away.

I find myself recently wondering which "stage" I am in and I can say, I have no idea.  I still sometimes daydream that maybe Corey is just on some secret mission with the others and they could not tell us they had to go. (Stupid I know).  Sometimes I still get angry, and I most definitely still "bargain".I cry, but not as much as I used to.  I think that's because I'm still too angry about it.  I will never have that simple life I wanted. I will always carry this around with me.

People often say "Oh you're still young, you might find someone else".  Here is what I have to say about that because it was recently brought to my attention by a friend of mine that people are wondering about "that" part of my life now and how I will handle it.  I am not as strong as some may think.  I miss Corey extremely and being with someone right now or anytime time soon for that matter would only be to fill the huge void that Corey left.  But,  I will say that when the time comes,  I have no intentions of ever getting married or having anymore children, ever again.  I have my reasons for that, some I'm not so proud of like financial ones but, also, I married who I wanted to marry.  Neither he nor I willingly ended it.  I will forever feel like I am married to him.  I know for a fact that he and I would have celebrated those 50 plus anniversaries had he not been taken too soon and for that, I cannot picture ever doing those things with someone else.  I am also not blind to the fact that it's crazy to think I will be alone forever.  I know that I wont.  But, when and if I ever date or don't date again, it will be on my timeline and my terms.  Not because some people think that I should because it's been long enough and not because some people think that I should not because, to them, it hasn't been long enough.  I wont be able to please everyone I'm sure but, my feelings come first. For my own sanity if anything else. It is not fair for people to give their opinion on things that they honestly know nothing about.  I have seen it happen to some of my new found widow friends and it breaks their heart because it makes them feel extreme guilt and that they are being pushed and pulled in every direction.  People have no right to tell you its too soon or that it's time to move on.  No one knows what's right. A year? Two? Five? Never? No one knows or has the right to say that they do. Especially when they are not the ones who have to go home alone every night.  It is also easy for people to say "Isn't it time to move on, it's been _____ long."  That's easy for them because they have no idea how it felt to be in my husband's arms and see him smile and know it's because of you.  They say it takes a year to grieve, and that's for normal relationsips. (Not to say that after a year you will be okay, just to say that you will be over the most of it) But, I'm not so sure that is correct for me because what Corey and I had was anything but ordinary.  I cannot imagine ever loving someone the same as I love him except our little girl. 

I don't know, maybe I am sort of in the "acceptance" stage with one foot still in depression/anger.  Because I am just now coming to terms with the fact that when I think about my future, it does not look anything like it used to.  There will be no big family, and growing old with the love of my life.  I need to have a new future and I have no idea what I want it to look like anymore. I know that no matter what, I will always do what's best for my baby girl. She is my world. But, besides that, I have no idea what I want to do. All I wanted to be was Corey's wife and support him and cheer him on in everything that he did.  My identity is gone. Almost 10 months later and I still feel lost. Lost is the best word for how I feel.  Lost and stuck, as the world moves on without me....

The Greatest Gift

So, it sure has been a long week, but one of the best ones I have had in a very very long time.  It  was a long process but here goes.  (This next paragraph may be a bit much for some so if you are sqeemish maybe skip to the next one)


Sunday night Corey Ann was kicking A LOT and I finally got some sleep only to wake up at about 2 am.  I woke up, and as soon as I got out of bed my water broke! I went to the bathroom, called my Mom, jumped in the shower for a few min, then my Mom and I headed to the hospital at about 3am.  They admitted me at about 4am and checked me, I was only 1cm dilated and my cervix was still thick. They told my doc and he said he would be there around 8am.  I was planning on going all natural with no epidural, no anything.  Well, 8am rolls around and my doc comes in to check me, I'm still 1cm.....4 hours later!! :(  He could not even feel the head so they checked to make sure she was head down which she was but she was really high.  We waited a few more hours and at about 10am I was checked again and still nothing....but the doc thought I had an inner sack of water that may be stopping the baby from descending.  He went in and busted it and I automatically went from a 1 to a 4.  Well I told them I would take Pitocin but no epidural (which they thought I was insane for) and so they started pitocin and I had already been having contractions all day at about a level 10 (they go from 1-12)  and the pitocin upped that to 12s. Still, no pain meds to this point.  At about 9:45pm the doc came in a checked me one last time and I was STILL at a 4 and had been in labor 19 hours with no pain meds and everyone said they could see it in my face that I was so exhausted.  The doc said the baby's head just was not engaging and he did not think it was going to happen but would let me try if I wanted to keep trying.  I did NOT want a c-section but I really had no fight left in me at that point and I really just wanted it to be over.  I asked the doctor a ton of questions (How will it feel?,  How long will recovery be?) and they eventually took me back to prep for surgery.  They gave me a spinal which I think is quite amazing since before they even took the needle out completely,  my feet were numb and it was going up my leg.  I was so terrified but my Mom and Corey's Mom eventually came in the room and got to be with me for the surgery.  I did not feel a thing except for a lot of pressure from them pushing and pulling.  At 10:17pm on September 10th after 19 hours of labor and finally getting a c-section, Corey Ann Little was born.  When I heard her cry, It did not even matter that my "birth plan" did not go the way I originally wanted.

Thank goodness I did get the c-section because she was almost 9lbs!! That might have been hard for me to push her out.  So, I stayed in the hospital until Thursday morning.  I was so ready to bring my baby girl home.  The hospital stay was nice though.....I really liked having 3 meals delivered to me a day haha.  I could not imagine loving someone more than I love her.  She not only is my daughter  but she is everything that I have left of Corey and I see so much of him in her face.  It really is so bittersweet because I adore her and everything she does just makes me smile but, I also get sad when I think about how unfair it is that Corey is missing all of it.  People have no idea how lucky they are to be able to have their family together.  I don't want much, just a simple life with my little girl and her Daddy.  It is not asking for too much, yet, I cannot have it.  Something changed in me when I had her.  I had already learned a lot about what really mattered and what did not from how positive a person Corey was but it went even further now.  I now feel like nothing matters but her,  she is all I think about.  Her, and her Daddy ofcorse.  I want to spend every single second with her.  I could not imagine if I had to go to work in a few weeks and leave her.  I am lucky in the aspect that I do not have to go to work and won't be until she is in school.  I do not want to miss one second of her life.  I just love her so much.  She is my purpose, that purpose I have been looking forward to since I thought I lost all purpose and reason to live in February.  I thought nothing and no one in this world could make me happy again and it was not true. She can.  I want to make her life the best it can possibly be, not only because of how much I just adore her, but I feel it is a way for me to show how much I still love my husband.  I see her as a part of him (which she is) and loving her is just like loving him.

 

Corey's family has been staying with me all week but will be leaving tomorrow.  It will just be the baby and I.  I will ofcorse have my Mom around a lot but I cannot help but be afraid.  I am a first time Mom.  I have no idea what I am doing!  All I can do is try my best, follow my instincts, and above all, put her first in everything that I do.  I love you Corey.  I am so sad you left and I will forever have a huge void in my life and in my heart but I want to thank you so so much for leving me the greatest gift I could have ever been given.  I will make you proud I promise.  You used to always call me on your way home and say "I can't wait to get home to my girls!", or "I love my girls!!" talking about Lola and I.  You always said "my girls".  I just imagine you still saying that now. Please know that "your girls" will forever be your girls and we love you and will honor you for the rest of our lives.  

Baby Girl is Almost Here

 So, I am a little over three weeks from my due date.  A lot of people ask me, "Are you ready?" and that is a complicated question.  Am I ready to be a Mom? Absolutely! I was ready and excited without fear as soon as I saw the positive test and what helped was Corey's big smile when I showed him.  Am I ready for the emotions this might bring on? Maybe not. But, there is not really much I can do about it.  I cannot wait to hold her.  I hope when I look into her eyes, I see so much of Corey in them.  I know that it will be emotional going through the birth without him.  I would have had the best partner in not only that, but raising her as well.  He would have given "Being a good father" a whole new meaning. Sometimes, after we found out I was pregnant, he would state he was nervous about being a good Dad. He said he was afraid of screwing up.  I told him that no parent is perfect and if anyone came remotely close to perfect, it would have been him.  He cared so much about everyone else,  the influence he would have had on his children with the type of personality he had would have been amazing.  I pray I can teach her all of the things that he would have, or else I will feel she got cheated, even more than she already has been since she never gets to meet the greatest man I have ever had the honor of knowing.  I just wish I knew he was here.  I wish I could get some sort of sign that he was around.  Even though I cannot see him, it would just be a comfort knowing that.  Maybe I would not feel I was doing this all on my own.  Yes, I have family that is super supportive but it's not the same as my husband telling me (lying to me) about how beautiful I am while in labor and kissing me and thanking me for giving him a daughter.  I'd give anything to have that.  To see his face the first time he held her would be a dream come true. 

 So, as of now I am pretty much settled into my house in Louisiana.  I love the house but,  this is not at all what I wanted to feel the first time I was a homeowner.  I wish I could share all of this with Corey.  I actually just wish to go back to my little apartment in California, just to be with him. I would stay there forever and ever.  But, it is what it is and I have to try and make the best of it.  I have so much love these days it feels like and it has no where to go.  I have so much I wish that I could say to Corey, so much I want to thank him for and basically just tell him how incredibly amazing I think he is and I can't.  That is another reason I cannot wait to see the baby.  She can be the outlet for all of the love I have built up for Corey because taking care and loving her as much as I can is the best possible way I know how to show how much I still love and adore her Daddy.  I see her little feet sliding across my belly as I am typing this and it just reminds me of what a miracle this little girl is.  She and I have made it (so far) through a very rough 6 months.  I can already tell she is going to be a strong little girl. 

I do get to bring her to a Memorial for all seven of the families involved in the crash that will be in November at Arlington Cemetery in Washington DC.  It will be good that, even though she will not know what is going on, she will get the chance to be a part of one of her Father's memorials.  It was originally scheduled for August but I am so grateful that they push it back to make it possible for she and I to attend.  It will also be good to see the other families.  Right after the accident we were all in such shock and in such a state of grief that we barely spoke to one another and it will be so nice to be able to give them all hugs.  We are all in this together after all.  So,  as I said before,  I have so much I want to say to Corey and no where for it to go so, I am going to follow this with a "letter" that I wish he could read....and if I'm lucky, maybe somehow he will.

Dear Corey (Cookie Monster),

It's been a rough almost six months down here without you.  I cannot even believe that I am still functioning as I am.  Am I making you proud?  I hope so.  That is all I want and if you could tell me how and what to do, I would do it, no matter how crazy.  I would do anything for you.  I am sorry for all of the petty things we used to argue about like you not wanting to leave the house but me dragging you out to get me Frozen Yogurt anyway.  I know everyone has little things like that but I just wish I could sit on the couch with you forever and never ever leave.  I would never make you go shopping with me again.  I want to thank you for showing me what true love feels like.  I will never ever be able to replace you and no one will ever be able to even come remotely close to the man that you were but, if in time (a long time) someone comes along,  they have huge shoes to fill and their curse will be that they will most likely always be compared to you. (with good reason).  I adore you.  I wish sometimes, as bad as it seems, that I could have switched places with you.  I would have done anything to keep you safe and would gladly take your place so that you could come back and bring your amazing laughter and personality to everyone like you always did.  I am not saying I am a bad person, but you were always the best person I ever knew.  You made me a better person. You showed me how to love, how to be selfless, how to help others as much as I could, and we both did a lot of growing up together.  I cannot thank you enough for the lessons you taught me.  I just wish that all of these things I have learned and thought about in the past 6 months I would have known before.  I know you know I love you, but I should have told you every single day how much I appreciated everything, how you got up so early for work every morning to provide for me, how you would always ask if I needed any help around the house after you had spent 13 hours working on helicopters and were extremely exhausted, how you would run the streets with me all weekend long just to make me happy even though you wished we could have just stayed home and relaxed.  I cannot thank you enough for how much you loved me.  There was never a question in my mind, I could just tell, from how you looked at me to how you could never keep your hands off of me and were always kissing me and hugging me.  I was never without your attention and gosh, I cannot think of anything I want more in this world right now than to have just five minutes of your attention again.  I had never felt so beautiful and confident than when I was around you.  You will forever be my inspiration to be the best person I know how to.  I will make mistakes, I know, as I have before, but you have my word I will try my best and make you proud.  I love you so much.  I know I have a long time until we meet again but,  I will patiently wait for that day when I get to be back in your arms, the only place I really belong. Watch over and guide your girls please, we need you so much more than you know.

Love,
Your Wife

2 Months and counting....down

 So, I am well into my third trimester of being pregnant with my little miracle.  I seriously cannot wait until September and I get to hold her.  I am not so much looking forward to the "pushing a human out of me" part but, you have to take the good with the bad, right??  I do get sad thinking about the fact that Corey won't be here for it though.  I felt I could do anything with him by my side.  If I was scared, he always knew exactly what to say to calm me down or make me feel better.  I was never more confident in myself than when he was around. I miss all of our little notes we used to leave eachother, like the two in the pictures I have on here. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had taken pictures of these on two random days.  I can forgive his 2nd grade handwriting since he always left such sweet messages. 

So, I have exactly 2 months to prepare for this baby to get here! Lots to do. I am going to be moving into a house that is in the same neighborhood as my Mom just outside of New Orleans. It's a big decision but, I need to have family close for one, and also, I need my own space. Having been on my own since I was 18, living with others (who are not my husband) is just not going to cut it.  I love it, don't get me wrong.  I just miss my privacy and MY stuff. This way, I will have my own space but I can call my Mom and say hey I need you and she will be there in the matter of minutes. Did I mention it's across the street and 2 houses down? Yeah, super close.  So, the countdown to get everything settled has begun.  I have a pretty busy schedule until then too so I need to get busy. 

I want to thank everyone for the amazing support up to this point.  I appreciate everyone always checking up on me and being there for me. I honestly would have no idea what to say to someone in my situation but, everyone has been so amazing and sometimes it's like ya'll know exactly what I need to hear to make me feel a little better.  To be honest, I did think at four months out I would be doing a little better than I am at this point but,  I feel I took a few steps back.  I know this can be normal, especially being in my third trimester and being more emotional than usual anyway.  Everyday things get me down though.  I went to pick up the furniture for the baby's room today and my Mom was all excited about setting it up and don't get me wrong, I was too,  but it also hurt a little because that is what my husband was supposed to do.  I am sure there will be so many moments in my and Corey Ann's life that I will feel like that and it just sucks, alot.  I see people post photos on Facebook of their husbands with their children and not that I'm mad about that, because I would have no doubt posted hundreds of those if Corey was still here, it just hurts to see.  Those are photos I will never ever have.  I will never get to see them together and that is so upsetting.  I just miss him.  I miss his sweet compliments, his arms around me, his amazing laugh, and basically any and everything about him.  I don't think God could have created a better man for me.  He was perfection to me. I know this post was a bit random.  Just had a lot to say.  Thanks again everyone for being such good friends and family.  I may not say it a lot but your thoughts and prayers are so appreciated and can turn one of my sad moods into a better one. I love you all. 

Month Four/ Corey's Smiles

Four months since the accident. Wow. Just, wow.  I cannot even imagine how I have even been able to make it to this day without going completely crazy. Corey was my rock, and also like my walking diary.  I told him everything. Even those random thoughts we get from time to time that we usually never share with anyone, I shared those with him.  He knew me better than anyone and most of the time better than I knew myself. How have I made it this far without him around? It helps that I knew him extremely well too and that I pretty much know what he would say or do in reaction to almost every situation.  Even while he was alive I joked I was going to make a bracelet to remind me of this. Remember those WWJD bracelets that were so popular years ago? We joked I should make a WWCD bracelet for times he was gone and I did not know what to do, but especially how much to spend lol.  It helps knowing how he would feel about things I am doing.  I think about him as much as you can possibly think about another person.  I am not saying I took him for granted but, there were so many things I adored about him that I honestly did not even notice while he was around.  The world and our lives were too busy to notice the simple things like that and gosh I wish we had just took time to slow down so I could have told him every single thing I loved about him.  While searching for a photo to put in the background of my IPhone, I noticed a smile in one of his photos that only came around in particular situations.  I felt a little cheesy since I had seen something similar in a movie, "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton" (cute movie btw if you have not seen it!).  So, I went through all of his pictures, along with all of my memories and came up with a list. A list of 8 smiles that my amazing husband had. Each was unique and could brighten up any room or situation. So, here's my (I don't care how cheesy it is and I know he is probably laughing at me right now) list:

Smile 1

This was his smile for when he was genuinely having a good time/in the middle of laughing.  I usually saw this when I did something ditsy and he found it amusing or when we were doing something he enjoyed. In this photo, we were on vacation in Vegas.....and he had just been served the largest beer I had ever seen. You can imagine the excitement!

Smile 2

This was his, "okay I don't have to be in every single photo we take, ever" smile.  I know it annoyed him how many photos I took of him! He probably heard "SMILE!!!" 50 times every day we were on vacation but, I am so happy because those photos left me with hundreds and hundreds of memories.

Smile 3

 This was his, "I'm so exhausted and my crazy wife is making me take a picture that if I don't give her atleast a smirk, she will make me take again" smile. So cute....even when sleepy. This was after the Marine Corps Ball so, he had every right to be sleepy. I made him dance quite a bit!!

Smile 4

This classic smile was one that graced everyone who was in his presence when he had a few drinks and boy was it a fun one!  He would never get drunk really, just extremely happy. He was super affectionate too when he got in these moods. In this one he was also having a lot of fun because we were at a San Diego Padres game with all of HMLA-469 so we were hanging with all of his friends and their wives.

Smile 5

This was a smile I saw quite often.  This is the one that made it to the background of my phone, by the way.  He gave me this smile when he was proud of himself for doing something sweet for me.  If the smile could have been put into words it would have read, "Did I do a good job, sweetheart?".  For instance, if I was having a bad day sometimes he would stop and pick me up some of my favorite ice cream or something else I really liked and when he gave it to me.....he gave me this smile along with it.  He was so proud of himself when he did sweet things for me and I could tell he enjoyed it just as much as I did. I was so lucky.


Smile 6

No long caption needed for this one. This was his "I'm so cool" smile.  That was him and my little stepbrother when we went to Disney World last year.  As you can see, he was definitely ready for kids! :)

Smile 7

This was his, "I'm at work but I'm having fun......and ofcorse I know I get to go home soon" smile.  I am sure that he had his times of being mad at his job, everyone does, but this was how I usually saw him when I went to visit him at the Squadron.  He never saw the point in complaining about everything. I am not sure if that was just his positive outlook on things or his common sense because complaining will get you no where but, either way, he was a hard worker and kept his head up.

And....last but not least, my favorite.

Smile 8

This was his smile when he was looking at me.  I don't think he ever looked at me without complimenting me.  He was always telling me how lucky he thought he was that I picked him out of everyone else in the world, or just simply looking at me and saying, "Wow".  I never felt better than when I was in his eyes.


So, there's my cheesy list of smiles! It made me happy to write them all down....so that if I ever wonder later, there they are.

Four months is a long time to be without your best friend. I hope and pray he hears me when I talk to him.  I just wish I could see him once more. But, that would just leave me still saying that I wish I could see him once more after that. No amount of time with him would have ever been enough.  We could spend weeks straight without spending any time apart at all and we never ever got tired of eachother. It was so simple. That is how it should be. You should be content and do any and everything to make the other person happy because that is where your happiness really comes from. I never thought it possible but my love for him grows more every day.  It happens when I think about him and all of the things we shared.  It's a shame though that it took me until now to stop and think of all of those things I loved so much and never realized how lucky I was to just have that.  I could have lived forever with him in that little apartment, living paycheck to paycheck, chasing each other around the place and laughing, sharing meals, and just.....being us. "Live simply" my Mother always says. I think that is what she means.....

I went to visit the cemetery on Father's Day and we brought him a ton of flowers. I want people to know just how loved he was, not only for his amazing personality but for his ability to smile and make everyone around him smile too.  I just wish I could have seen the one smile that I most likely have not seen yet, the smile when he got to see his little girl.