California

Corey Ann and I just got back from our trip to California.  I originally put the trip off a few times before booking it because to be honest, I was not sure how I would handle it.  The last time I was there was the hardest time of my life, and before that, the best times of my life.  Facing all of those memories again was going to be hard.

The last things I remember from being there before I left were this.  Being notified of the worst news of my life while sitting on the same couch that Corey and I had been cuddling and watching TV on only hours earlier. Having friends come and go in and out of my apartment as I just sat there, which to be honest, I don't remember very much of.  Going to the doctor to make sure that the baby was ok because of all of the stress I was under.  Getting sick which, in any other normal pregnancy I would say it was morning sickness but, the only time I ever got sick during my entire pregnancy was the week that Corey died.  I remember going to the memorial at Corey's Squadron for all of the Marines involved in the accident, Corey getting his name on the memorial wall, and walking out of the squadron thinking, the last time I was walking through these doors, we were laughing and saying "See you at home".  I remember deciding to have movers come and pack up my apartment on the same day that I was getting on a plane so that I did not have to go through all of our stuff and pick up the pieces of the life I had built.  California was the last place I felt the world was a great place, the last place I felt secure, and the last place I felt like myself.  Going to see all of the people and places that Corey and I used to go and see was difficult to say the least.  Driving down the 5 and the 78 toward San Marcos from Camp Pendleton was hard.  Every exit I passed and store I saw held a memory of us.  I cried the entire time on 78.  Looking around thinking, we used to eat there, I used to drag him into that mall all of the time, we loved going there, we had date night there.  I begged and begged God to let the world change around me as I drove.  Let me still be pregnant and let me be driving back to our apartment where he was waiting for me.  I'd give anything, I swore.  I promised I would do things differently, not that I did anything I regret, but that I would make sure I never wasted a minute of time with him, I would let him know just how much I adored him and everything he did, I would love him like no one has ever been loved before, and I would make a difference in the world.  Just let me be driving home I begged.  But, that didn't happen.  The world is not like that, and it stung even more. 

I saw a lot of our friends and it was good to see them, just as it was hard. Everyone has continued living their lives, the life I was supposed to be living right now with Corey.  I visited the squadron and saw all of the guys my husband worked with.  They were all happy to see the baby.  I had lunches and dinners with friends that were great.  Everyone was so happy to see (and say) just how much she looks like Corey.  I had dinner with another wife whose husband was one of the ones who died with Corey and it was helpful.  I also had lunch with a fellow widow and it was so very nice talking to someone who understood and had been in my shoes and to see where she is in her grief and her life now.  I did a lot of things that were good for my grief, as hard as it was. 

As we come up on the one year anniversary of the accident (which seems crazy to me) things will get harder.  I sometimes sit and wonder how I have made it through these past 11 months and that I cannot believed I survived a year in a world that Corey is not in anymore.  I will forever miss our simple life we lived in California.  I loved it so much.  No matter how many times we had to watch our spending to make sure we could make it to the next paycheck, how many times he got unexpectedly called into work, and how far we were from the rest of our family, I would trade everything in this world, even the ability to live the rest of my life, for one more month, week, day, or even hour with Corey.  Those were the good times.  He was my everything.  I love you Corey.  Thank you for showing me what happy was, and for showing me how to be the person I am today.  You were and always will be my strength, and the reason I try to be the best person and Mom I can be.  Thank you forever.....