The Greatest Gift

So, it sure has been a long week, but one of the best ones I have had in a very very long time.  It  was a long process but here goes.  (This next paragraph may be a bit much for some so if you are sqeemish maybe skip to the next one)


Sunday night Corey Ann was kicking A LOT and I finally got some sleep only to wake up at about 2 am.  I woke up, and as soon as I got out of bed my water broke! I went to the bathroom, called my Mom, jumped in the shower for a few min, then my Mom and I headed to the hospital at about 3am.  They admitted me at about 4am and checked me, I was only 1cm dilated and my cervix was still thick. They told my doc and he said he would be there around 8am.  I was planning on going all natural with no epidural, no anything.  Well, 8am rolls around and my doc comes in to check me, I'm still 1cm.....4 hours later!! :(  He could not even feel the head so they checked to make sure she was head down which she was but she was really high.  We waited a few more hours and at about 10am I was checked again and still nothing....but the doc thought I had an inner sack of water that may be stopping the baby from descending.  He went in and busted it and I automatically went from a 1 to a 4.  Well I told them I would take Pitocin but no epidural (which they thought I was insane for) and so they started pitocin and I had already been having contractions all day at about a level 10 (they go from 1-12)  and the pitocin upped that to 12s. Still, no pain meds to this point.  At about 9:45pm the doc came in a checked me one last time and I was STILL at a 4 and had been in labor 19 hours with no pain meds and everyone said they could see it in my face that I was so exhausted.  The doc said the baby's head just was not engaging and he did not think it was going to happen but would let me try if I wanted to keep trying.  I did NOT want a c-section but I really had no fight left in me at that point and I really just wanted it to be over.  I asked the doctor a ton of questions (How will it feel?,  How long will recovery be?) and they eventually took me back to prep for surgery.  They gave me a spinal which I think is quite amazing since before they even took the needle out completely,  my feet were numb and it was going up my leg.  I was so terrified but my Mom and Corey's Mom eventually came in the room and got to be with me for the surgery.  I did not feel a thing except for a lot of pressure from them pushing and pulling.  At 10:17pm on September 10th after 19 hours of labor and finally getting a c-section, Corey Ann Little was born.  When I heard her cry, It did not even matter that my "birth plan" did not go the way I originally wanted.

Thank goodness I did get the c-section because she was almost 9lbs!! That might have been hard for me to push her out.  So, I stayed in the hospital until Thursday morning.  I was so ready to bring my baby girl home.  The hospital stay was nice though.....I really liked having 3 meals delivered to me a day haha.  I could not imagine loving someone more than I love her.  She not only is my daughter  but she is everything that I have left of Corey and I see so much of him in her face.  It really is so bittersweet because I adore her and everything she does just makes me smile but, I also get sad when I think about how unfair it is that Corey is missing all of it.  People have no idea how lucky they are to be able to have their family together.  I don't want much, just a simple life with my little girl and her Daddy.  It is not asking for too much, yet, I cannot have it.  Something changed in me when I had her.  I had already learned a lot about what really mattered and what did not from how positive a person Corey was but it went even further now.  I now feel like nothing matters but her,  she is all I think about.  Her, and her Daddy ofcorse.  I want to spend every single second with her.  I could not imagine if I had to go to work in a few weeks and leave her.  I am lucky in the aspect that I do not have to go to work and won't be until she is in school.  I do not want to miss one second of her life.  I just love her so much.  She is my purpose, that purpose I have been looking forward to since I thought I lost all purpose and reason to live in February.  I thought nothing and no one in this world could make me happy again and it was not true. She can.  I want to make her life the best it can possibly be, not only because of how much I just adore her, but I feel it is a way for me to show how much I still love my husband.  I see her as a part of him (which she is) and loving her is just like loving him.

 

Corey's family has been staying with me all week but will be leaving tomorrow.  It will just be the baby and I.  I will ofcorse have my Mom around a lot but I cannot help but be afraid.  I am a first time Mom.  I have no idea what I am doing!  All I can do is try my best, follow my instincts, and above all, put her first in everything that I do.  I love you Corey.  I am so sad you left and I will forever have a huge void in my life and in my heart but I want to thank you so so much for leving me the greatest gift I could have ever been given.  I will make you proud I promise.  You used to always call me on your way home and say "I can't wait to get home to my girls!", or "I love my girls!!" talking about Lola and I.  You always said "my girls".  I just imagine you still saying that now. Please know that "your girls" will forever be your girls and we love you and will honor you for the rest of our lives.