Baby Girl is Almost Here

 So, I am a little over three weeks from my due date.  A lot of people ask me, "Are you ready?" and that is a complicated question.  Am I ready to be a Mom? Absolutely! I was ready and excited without fear as soon as I saw the positive test and what helped was Corey's big smile when I showed him.  Am I ready for the emotions this might bring on? Maybe not. But, there is not really much I can do about it.  I cannot wait to hold her.  I hope when I look into her eyes, I see so much of Corey in them.  I know that it will be emotional going through the birth without him.  I would have had the best partner in not only that, but raising her as well.  He would have given "Being a good father" a whole new meaning. Sometimes, after we found out I was pregnant, he would state he was nervous about being a good Dad. He said he was afraid of screwing up.  I told him that no parent is perfect and if anyone came remotely close to perfect, it would have been him.  He cared so much about everyone else,  the influence he would have had on his children with the type of personality he had would have been amazing.  I pray I can teach her all of the things that he would have, or else I will feel she got cheated, even more than she already has been since she never gets to meet the greatest man I have ever had the honor of knowing.  I just wish I knew he was here.  I wish I could get some sort of sign that he was around.  Even though I cannot see him, it would just be a comfort knowing that.  Maybe I would not feel I was doing this all on my own.  Yes, I have family that is super supportive but it's not the same as my husband telling me (lying to me) about how beautiful I am while in labor and kissing me and thanking me for giving him a daughter.  I'd give anything to have that.  To see his face the first time he held her would be a dream come true. 

 So, as of now I am pretty much settled into my house in Louisiana.  I love the house but,  this is not at all what I wanted to feel the first time I was a homeowner.  I wish I could share all of this with Corey.  I actually just wish to go back to my little apartment in California, just to be with him. I would stay there forever and ever.  But, it is what it is and I have to try and make the best of it.  I have so much love these days it feels like and it has no where to go.  I have so much I wish that I could say to Corey, so much I want to thank him for and basically just tell him how incredibly amazing I think he is and I can't.  That is another reason I cannot wait to see the baby.  She can be the outlet for all of the love I have built up for Corey because taking care and loving her as much as I can is the best possible way I know how to show how much I still love and adore her Daddy.  I see her little feet sliding across my belly as I am typing this and it just reminds me of what a miracle this little girl is.  She and I have made it (so far) through a very rough 6 months.  I can already tell she is going to be a strong little girl. 

I do get to bring her to a Memorial for all seven of the families involved in the crash that will be in November at Arlington Cemetery in Washington DC.  It will be good that, even though she will not know what is going on, she will get the chance to be a part of one of her Father's memorials.  It was originally scheduled for August but I am so grateful that they push it back to make it possible for she and I to attend.  It will also be good to see the other families.  Right after the accident we were all in such shock and in such a state of grief that we barely spoke to one another and it will be so nice to be able to give them all hugs.  We are all in this together after all.  So,  as I said before,  I have so much I want to say to Corey and no where for it to go so, I am going to follow this with a "letter" that I wish he could read....and if I'm lucky, maybe somehow he will.

Dear Corey (Cookie Monster),

It's been a rough almost six months down here without you.  I cannot even believe that I am still functioning as I am.  Am I making you proud?  I hope so.  That is all I want and if you could tell me how and what to do, I would do it, no matter how crazy.  I would do anything for you.  I am sorry for all of the petty things we used to argue about like you not wanting to leave the house but me dragging you out to get me Frozen Yogurt anyway.  I know everyone has little things like that but I just wish I could sit on the couch with you forever and never ever leave.  I would never make you go shopping with me again.  I want to thank you for showing me what true love feels like.  I will never ever be able to replace you and no one will ever be able to even come remotely close to the man that you were but, if in time (a long time) someone comes along,  they have huge shoes to fill and their curse will be that they will most likely always be compared to you. (with good reason).  I adore you.  I wish sometimes, as bad as it seems, that I could have switched places with you.  I would have done anything to keep you safe and would gladly take your place so that you could come back and bring your amazing laughter and personality to everyone like you always did.  I am not saying I am a bad person, but you were always the best person I ever knew.  You made me a better person. You showed me how to love, how to be selfless, how to help others as much as I could, and we both did a lot of growing up together.  I cannot thank you enough for the lessons you taught me.  I just wish that all of these things I have learned and thought about in the past 6 months I would have known before.  I know you know I love you, but I should have told you every single day how much I appreciated everything, how you got up so early for work every morning to provide for me, how you would always ask if I needed any help around the house after you had spent 13 hours working on helicopters and were extremely exhausted, how you would run the streets with me all weekend long just to make me happy even though you wished we could have just stayed home and relaxed.  I cannot thank you enough for how much you loved me.  There was never a question in my mind, I could just tell, from how you looked at me to how you could never keep your hands off of me and were always kissing me and hugging me.  I was never without your attention and gosh, I cannot think of anything I want more in this world right now than to have just five minutes of your attention again.  I had never felt so beautiful and confident than when I was around you.  You will forever be my inspiration to be the best person I know how to.  I will make mistakes, I know, as I have before, but you have my word I will try my best and make you proud.  I love you so much.  I know I have a long time until we meet again but,  I will patiently wait for that day when I get to be back in your arms, the only place I really belong. Watch over and guide your girls please, we need you so much more than you know.

Love,
Your Wife