What will people think of this?

What will people think of this?   That's a question I ask myself way too much.  It's agony.  It's tiring.  It's not fair.  Did anyone ever force me to ask that? Nope.  I think it just automatically comes with having a horrible tragedy happen in your family where a lot of people's feelings are involved.

I've heard a few quotes lately with the main point being, you don't actually start living until you are living for yourself.  If that's indeed true, then I have been doing a bad job of it lately.  You see, when you have a tragedy happen in your life two things are bound to happen.  Number one is, everyone who has ever known you will be there to show support and share kind words. Number two is, some, not all, of those people will then proceed to have an opinion on everything you do in relation to the tragedy.  It's really sad actually and it does not end with me.  The sad and daunting fact about the way that grief works is that it does not really show up until well after everyone else has moved on/thinks you are okay/thinks that enough time has passed.  I read a book recently about a widow whose husband was in the hospital and she had just basically been told that he was not going to make it.  She said that she could not cry, she could not shed one emotion, yet she did.  She was in the room with her parents and his and she threw her arms around him in the bed and yelled for him to please stay.  She even admitted that she did this even though she felt nothing at that moment (shock will do that).  She did it for everyone else.  She said that as soon as she did that, she felt everyone in the room sigh in relief.  This is the types of things that people who are grieving need to do.

Corey was my everything, as I have said a million times in this blog.  I know that.  I know it to my core and I feel it every single day the same way I did the day that I said "I Do".  But, here I am saying it over and over on a blog to people who some, barely know me, and some, who know me but may not completely understand how I feel, and why? Because, now that I have a boyfriend, and I smile.....often, I feel the need to PROVE it to people.  Well, that needs to stop. Why I feel that way, I don't know.  Maybe it is because there is always a guilt that widows, even parents feel when they are grieving and they feel that if they smile, while their loved one is dead, it means that it's okay and that they are over it.  It's no way to live. I am tired of wondering what people will think.  I am also tired of worrying....ALL THE TIME about whose feelings I will hurt next.  If you go out with your boyfriend/husband/friends and have some drinks, and you take a picture with them with a genuine smile on your face, do you stop before sharing it on Facebook or anything else and ask yourself, "Do I look too happy? Am I going to upset anyone with this?".  My guess is most likely you don't.  But, think about how stressful it would be if you had to.  I don't want to apologize for living.  Corey would be furious if I ever had to anyway.  That's why I am able to be happy.  His love for me was so strong and we had a marriage that some people dream of and guess what, that gives me so much confidence and strength to know that.  I can go out into the world and know that no matter what I choose to do, he still loves me and is so proud of me.  It took me a long long time to get here but I am sure happy that I did.  It's time for this little Mommy to stop asking "What will people think of this?" and start asking,"What do I want?".  Because in order to honor my husband and be the best Mommy ever to his little girl, I have to live life the way I want to. The point here is this.  Grief is messy.  I have not had a big problem with the topic I am talking about as much as some widows I have met.  It's sad.  Not only did they lose their husband but they also lost a long laundry list of other things. Those include; their identity, their dreams of the future, their privacy, and the parent of their children. So, if you know anyone grieving, a sibling, a parent, a spouse, or anyone, please remember that you actually have no idea at all how you would handle it if you were in their shoes and applaud them for getting out of bed that day. They deserve it! :)  I love my husband, always have always will and that will never change.  I know that in my heart, and guess what?  That's enough for me. 

Faith

We are within a week of the date marking two years since my Corey was taken from me. That day a lot was taken from me, and not only me, my daughter. My dreams of an uncomplicated family with one set of inlaws and a Mommy and a Daddy and a two story house with my husband and three kids all died with my husband. My dreams exploded over the desert in Arizona.  Another thing that I lost that day was my faith. It is not something that I speak of often because honestly, I'm angry. You hear about people being mad at God and I used to say that I never would be but that was before my perfectly healthy, do gooder husband was needlessly killed in a freak accident. To say that I've been "mad" at God is a very nice way to say it. That is sugar coating at its finest. I have been furious. I have cried, yelled, begged, screamed, and even, in some very dark moments, thrown things at walls in anger at God. Since it was indeed an accident I could not help but place blame on him. Why were bad people who belong in prison allowed to live and Corey was not?...........well a few months ago things started to change. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I think Corey is with him? Yes. Would Corey want me to be angry? No. There's a bible verse that states that "God grieves with us". It makes me think about that part in the movie "Bruce Almighty" where they are walking on the water and "God" (or Morgan Freeman) is telling Bruce the rules. You can't mess with free will. Bruce says,"Can I ask why?" And he says "Yes you can! That's the beauty of it". So it being that the accident was just that, an accident, I have come to terms with the fact that God did not have a hand in killing my husband. What I was really angry at was that he didn't stop it. But if he had, it would have been messing with free will. Which is something that we are promised. I want to find my way back to church. I want to be a good Christian who has no grudge against God. After all, if I'm right, God is my ticket to see my husband again someday, and that's the most amazing heaven I can possibly imagine. So this is me apologizing. Apologizing for being bitter, and angry for far too long. If I waste this life, waste my time with my daughter bring angry all the time, it would be doing Corey no justice. What would he  want? He would want his family happy. Can we ever be the same? No. But what we can do is take this as a lesson about how every single conversation, moment, day, phone call matters. You never  know when you won't be able to again and I promise you it will come out of no where and you will always be left wishing you had acted different, done more, said more, and showed more love.  What I forgot to do in all of my anger was thank God for the chance to have even met Corey, to know love as deep as I did, to have met someone who changed me so so much for the better and made me a much better person, and for my amazing piece of him, our daughter. I did what people often do, I looked at the bad and focused on that. I miss my husband every single day. He was my best friend. We laughed together, cried together, and shared everything. To lose him felt like I also lost myself. My life literally revloved around him and I absolutely loved every single second of it. Whatever fire I had burning inside of me felt as if it had been completely blown out on February 22,2012. I am starting to see the sun through the clouds though. It's not cliche to say that Corey would want me to be happy. Would he want his child growing up with nothing but sad, negative people around her just so that she could grow up to be sad and negative? NO WAY. Corey was the most positive person I knew and he would want that for his family. Happiness. So from now on I won't feel bad for trying to be happy. I used to feel as if it was dishonoring him if I smiled too much or didn't cry for a day but now I realize that it would be dishonoring him to not make the most of this life and teach his daughter how good the world can be. Even with all of the bad things that happen. There is still so much good out there. I'm going to honor Corey by being the happiest I can possibly be and teaching Corey Ann to live this life to the fullest. Now for the things that I am grateful for,which is a nice change from listing everything that I lost, my parents who have stood by me and been there for me through all of my hard times, my family who has been extremely supportive, my "Little" family who have been my go to people when I am at my absolute worst (since they are really the only ones who know what I'm feeling), my friends who have listened to me for hours while I had my struggles with anxiety and have been very supportive through everything, my daughter who puts a smile on my face everyday even if she does make me want to pull my hair out sometimes ( I think that's all Mom's) , and last but not least, Kevin. As many times as I have been moody, sad for no reason, bitter, grumpy, compared him to Corey, and anything else you can imagine, he stays and continues to be there for me. Not just me. For Corey Ann as well. He even changes nasty diapers which in my book makes him a keeper for sure! Thank you for all of you. I love you all. With all of your help, that fire is slowly reigniting. I couldn't have done it without you. Also, thank you God for all the gifts you have given me. I was lost for a little while but, I'm finding my way back.

I'll Just Pour My Heart Out

I sometimes catch myself silently editing everything that I say and do so that people don't think I need "to talk to someone".  I figured that after a while, everyone would eventually get tired of me going on and on about how much I miss Corey, how sad I am, etc.  I stopped for OTHERS and I am not doing that anymore.  I am still a mess.  I hide it well and recently I realized, why in the heck am I hiding this?  I was widowed at 24 and three months pregnant.  I have every right in the world to be a mess for as long as I need to be.  I am strong yes, this I know, but everyone is entitled to weak moments.  Those weak moments are the only reason that I am able to put on a brave face and be strong.  Don't just think, oh she's dating again, looks like it's going well, and write the situation off.  Yes, I am dating Kevin.  Yes things are going well.  What people do not know is how many times I get upset with him because he is not doing something EXACTLY as Corey would.  That is not fair to anyone and although I know it is most likely normal, he does not deserve it.  He is extremely understanding though.  He never gets mad about it, he just says he is sorry and he understands.  Where he came from I have no idea but it amazes me.  One night a few weeks ago I broke down and started crying (as I do often) and he sat and listened to me cry about Corey and go through the entire day leading up to the accident, the last time I saw him, and then when I got notified.  He just sat there and listened.  Two days ago I all of a sudden was in a frenzy to find my wedding video (the full length one, not the ten minute montage).  I just NEEDED to see him laugh, see his mannerisms, see him look at me like he used to.  I put it on and Kevin watched the entire thing with me.  How many men would do that?  I am very blessed to have such a great support system.  If I am having a bad day, I can call my Sister in law or my Mother in law and know that if they can, they will talk to me and even cry with me.  They are having a very hard time still as well.  We don't show it anymore though.  We view it as an "annoyance".  But to us, everywhere we look, especially them still living in the house that Corey grew up in, we are reminded of him.  I look at my daughter and she looks so much like him.  When I hold her is the only time I feel close to complete again. I have been to many different psychiatrists and counselors and to be honest, I don't think that they can do anything to help me.  It is something that needs to be open and healed, not something to put a bandaid over and hope it goes away.  We are still lost.  This is not only to let you know that this is how we feel, but for anyone who has lost someone.  If you have a friend or family member that has lost someone, please do not just assume that they are "okay" because they seem that way in public.  Us widows and grieving parents are practically trained professional actors.  I miss my life, I miss my husband, I miss my friends out there in California.  I miss my tiny apartment.  But, because this is how things have to be, there is nothing I can do to change it, I am grateful for all of the people who are always there for me.  I am sorry if I may have been a burden this past year.  I am dealing with a lot and you are all angels for sticking around for my moodiness and my breakdowns.  I love you all!

A Year and a Half Later

.........I remember waking up and looking over at the empty side of the bed and turning to look at the alarm clock to see what time it was. It was 4:30am, and he was not snoring next to me where he was supposed to be.  I remember sitting in my bed two hours later searching the internet for a news story that I prayed I wouldn't find, and in the midst of my search, the doorbell rang.  Before it finished ringing, my whole body was shaking.  I knew.  I had exactly 5 seconds (the amount of time it would take me to walk from my bedroom to my front door) to pray it was Corey and his hands were too full to unlock the door, but somehow, I just knew.  My hands were shaking and I just knew as I opened the door and saw the uniforms that my simple life would never ever be the same.

That day plays over and over in my head.  Actually, not even the whole day.  Just the part before I opened the door and right before they spoke the words "Mrs.Little, I regret to inform you that your husband was involved in a helicopter crash and has passed away." Then, it's like a switch goes off.  Everything before that was a different life.  When I think about the walk from my bedroom to the front door, even now, I get that shaky feeling and my heart starts racing.  It is just like in the movies, which made it even more unbelievable.  I waited a good six months before I decided that this was reality and stopped praying before I went to bed every night that tomorrow would be the morning that I woke up from the nightmare and whatever lesson there was that had to be learned, I learned it.  I learned what was important.  I learned how important seeing his smile every morning as he was kissing me bye was. I learned to truly appreciate everything he did for me, but it was too late for me to tell him thank you like I should have every single day.  I know he knew it, but it's still nice to hear it.

A lot has changed these past 18 months.  I am a Mom to a wonderful little girl who looks more and more like her Daddy every single day, I have a nice house, I have family near by, I am closer to my in-laws than I ever have been, and one change that is not as good as the others, I view the world differently.  I usually am against putting my business all out there, especially about personal things but, it is my hope that this will help others in my situation.  I went about a year and two months without actually talking to someone.  I was in the car on the way to Atlanta in April and I knew that when I got there I was going to tell them that I had just started dating someone.  I did not want to hide that from them because it would hurt even more if they found out from someone else.  I made it just into Mississippi before all of a sudden I was short of breath, I was having chest pain, my entire left arm started hurting, and I thought, Oh my gosh, I am having a heart attack.  I called my stepmother who was closest to where I was at the time and she met me at the nearest emergency room.  They took my blood pressure, it was extremely high.  Usually it is very low.  They did chest x-rays, an EKG, a CAT scan, and lab work.  They could not find anything.  I automatically thought, no, they are missing something because I feel like I am about to die.  The doctor suggested one more test just to be sure, so I got an Echocardiogram to be 100% sure that it had nothing to do with my heart.  It came back perfect.  So, they told me that I had anxiety.  I laughed at first.  I never actually viewed it as something "real".  I thought people made that stuff up for attention or something and I sure as heck did not think it could cause insane physical symptoms like that.  I continued on my search for months, thinking there had to be another explanation.  Once I had that first attack, they kept coming for a while.  I thought I had low iron so I took iron supplements, I thought I had a B-12 deficiency and took those vitamins, I had my thyroid and cholesterol levels checked. Everything came back fine.  Finally I went to to the right kind of doctor, a counselor.  I guess when you are 25 you never think about death or rare things happening and when death is just thrown in your face, it makes you look at your own mortality.  He was here one day and gone the next, so now I know that things can happen.  I guess it terrified me.  I am still working on that.  Still working on calming myself down.  I need to ban myself from WebMD.  I miss my care free self.  I miss feeling healthy.  I am getting a lot better as time goes on but, I am still on edge a lot.  So, that being said, I need to keep things as stress free as possible.  I am going to start doing things for me and my baby and if it makes me happy, I'm going to do it.  No one else has to walk in my shoes so it really should not matter if they approve or not.  If I do not start thinking that way, I will never be happy.  I am trying my best to make the best of a horrible situation.  Just because that happened should not mean that all the dreams I had for my life are impossible.  No, they cannot include Corey, which is so heartbreaking for me, but I know in my heart of hearts he would be so happy for me, and so proud of me for how I am handling the situation.  I have come to the conclusion that as long as I know he is proud of me and that he would approve, that is all that matters.  He knew me best.  Gosh do I miss him.  I still talk to him, and I hope he listens.  He has a lot of talking to do when I get there, because I have had a lot of one sided conversations this past year and a half but I know that he will be there with a smile on his face in many many years down the road when I see him again, and he will tell me everything that I have been wanting to hear.  If you are a new widow, which I am friends with quite a few and it's so sad how many there are, the best advice I have for you is, stop thinking that you need to answer to everyone.  You need to make yourself happy.  You need only answer to your husband and you know what he would want for you.  Everyone else gets to keep on living semi normal lives but you need to do what makes you happy because you know, like me, how very precious every single day of this life is.  Make it count.


I love you Corey, forever and always. NOTHING will ever change that.

What we widows really think....

I am sorry for how all over the place this post is going to be.  I have not written in quite a while and decided that it was time.  A lot has been happening lately!  Corey Ann is crawling extremely fast, she is into everything, she can stand up and scoot around a coffee table and such, she has three teeth at the bottom and two almost out at the top, and she goes around saying "Mamamama" all day everyday.  In the Mommy department you could say things are going extremely well! But, I will say honestly that in the grief department, things are not as well as I would like.  At this point I have been to two TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) seminars and a widows retreat.  One thing that I have heard over and over is that the second year is almost harder than the first.  I never really understood how that could be until now. 

The first year I was able to control my emotions pretty well.  I think it was a combination of shock and me trying so very hard to always be strong.  I have come to the conclusion though, that at some point our bodies just decide, okay, enough is enough, we need to deal with this. When that point comes, you cannot control it.  It feels like Corey was just here and that he has been gone for so so long all at the same time.  Pretty crazy stuff.

Now, I am sure that everyone to some extent "fabricates" their Facebook.  If we all put EVERYTHING we thought on Facebook not only would we probably annoy everyone and most likely offend some people, but we wouldn't be able to make everyone believe that our lives are so stinking perfect like we try so hard to show that they are on Facebook.  I do this too.  "Look at Corey Ann and I laughing and playing!!! She's so perfect" (which she totally is but that is beside the point). Now, if I wrote "Oh my goodness, Corey Ann would not go to sleep until two AM and she was crying and I was crying and then she pooped and it got all over me....then I cried some more and stomped my feet like a two year old because I am tired of being an adult and just want to go to sleep", people would gasp! (No one likes a complainer) lol.  I will be brutally honest here, it would be very upsetting to read my real thoughts.  But, I need an outlet so here they are.

I am in a relationship as everyone can see.  Actually, things are going very well! We have been together almost six months and he is very understanding and patient.  He adores Corey Ann and she loves him.  He helps me around my house and even changes her dirty diapers sometimes (if you are a Mom, you know just how awesome that is).  I am happy with him.  Now, does that mean that I don't miss Corey? ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I am still 100% in love with my husband.  It is honestly the weirdest thing that I have ever experienced.  I am with Kevin and we are doing great but I know for a fact (which is a good thing in my eyes) that I will always love Corey and miss him like crazy. We went to Pensacola, FL recently and I started to tear up whenever I saw a sign for Pensacola Naval Air Station.  Corey was there for three months while he was training and I would drive out every single weekend and see him.  All of the road signs and movie theaters and malls got to me.  I sat and wished, let me please go back to that simple time.  I still cry, actually now more than I did because I can't hold back anymore.  I get so upset when Corey Ann does something new and once again, he is not here to see it.  I will never get to see his amazing smile when he sees her smile at him.  I am sad for myself because I don't have my perfect little family like I wanted to with the Mommy and Daddy and three kids and a cute little house with a nice big mortgage and a big SUV and we go on trips to visit Grandma and so on and so forth.  I also get sad for Corey.  He missed out on so much.  This is not "Poor Nicole".  In my eyes, it's "Poor Corey" because he doesn't get to be here with us where he should be.   He missed out on raising his amazing little girl.  That, to me, is so so horrible.  She got cheated.  He would have been such an amazing Dad. 

I guess what I am trying to get across here is this.  Grief is hard.  Everything that goes along with it is hard. People who are grieving, unless they just cannot find another way of coping, will usually not let you know just how horrible they feel or how hard it really is.  That is for their benefit as much as yours.  When I started this "journey" every time someone saw me they got this sad look on their face.  I used to just call it "the look".  It was the "oh you poor thing I have no idea what I would do if that happened to me" look.  I hated that look.  I would rather some girl I've never met give me a nasty look from across the room than have someone give me "the look".  So, I eventually started putting on the "I'm fine" face so I would not have to console people around me.  It gets exhausting.  Not only am I worried about myself and how I am feeling, I am always worried about upsetting or hurting other people's feelings.  Corey's family is so so important to me.  I would not have made it through the last year and a half without them.  I have every intention of making sure that they get to see their grand daughter as much as possible because I know Corey would have wanted that and I love them as well.  They make me feel closer to him.  The problem comes in when I add another person to the mix.  Every time I post something on Facebook or talk about Kevin to them, I worry about how it will make them feel.  But, on the contrary, I cannot very well "hide" my relationship with Kevin either because that is not fair to him at all.  So, my life is a constant balancing act.  I am trying my best to make it all work!  I wish there was a rulebook for this situation. 

Another new development is that I have begun to get a little "bitter" about things.  I am pretty sure it is a part of the grieving process but frankly, I wish it would go away.  I have started wondering lately, what is the point of life? (Not in a "I don't want to live anymore" way AT ALL).  More in a, I want to know the reason for all of this. Which, I'm sure everyone else does as well at some point or another.  My Mom answered the question with, "To spend time with those you love and create lasting and good memories".  In which I responded,"Why? So one day I can attend their funeral?".  It's a sad way to look at things and I'm pretty sure it is just a phase but, this whole situation has shaken me to my core. I do not look at the world the same way I used to.  In some ways that's good but mostly, it made me worry more, and have a reason to question my faith and my purpose.  I used to look at the world with such hope.  I used to believe that anything good could happen, all of my wildest dreams could come true.  Now, I worry that every bad thing that can happen, will, and that all of my nightmares will come true.  Grief sucks. 

I am just going to go with what I have been saying all along.  The best way, I think, for me to help myself and feel that I have a purpose is to help others.  I love volunteering and helping others, especially girls who are just starting this awful journey.  Would I have been able to do that before? Probably not. Maybe that is my purpose. I did not know how very precious love and life were before and I am a better person for having learned those lessons but, I sure do miss the optimistic, fun loving, worry free Nicole that I used to be......maybe with enough time and me feeling good about helping others and raising my baby girl, I'll find her again.

Not Moving On....Moving Forward

I have contemplated a lot about whether or not I should write this blog post.  I finally came to the decision that, although I don't "owe" anyone an explanation, I will share this with everyone anyway. 

I spent the last year being the most upset, distraught, and lost as I have ever been in my life and hopefully will never feel that way again.  As time went on I would have a good day every now and then only to be left feeling guilty for not having a day where I cried all day.  To be honest, and for those who have had to grieve the loss of someone extremely close to them will know this, grief is exhausting and very overwhelming.  So is always worrying about whether or not you are doing it right.  Truth is, there is no correct or incorrect way to grieve.  There is no timeline, there is not a rulebook. If there was, I would follow it to a T.  But, I am doing this blindly and I will say, I am trying my very best.

One thing I have struggled with a lot, which I wish I did not, is always worrying about what others think of me. I have come to learn after getting to know other young widows like myself that it is quite normal to worry about that.  I always feel that every move I make is being judged by someone.  I need to stop worrying about that and worry about my own happiness.  If not, I will drive myself crazy.  I will preface what I am about to say with this.  I love Corey and will love him for the rest of my life.  Nothing will ever change that and as long as I know that, that's all that matters. 

I have recently started dating someone.  To even write that sentence freaks me out because I know that soon, it will be read by someone who didn't know and I am honestly afraid of what people will think.  Should I be? Absolutely not.  Doesn't change the fact that I am.  I think though that 1. Corey would want me to move "forward" and to be happy and 2. I had an extremely hard year and few months and I deserve to be happy.  As much as it pains me to say, I could wait a year, two, five, ten, to start dating and no matter how long I wait or what I do or don't do, Corey cannot come back. 

I am only 25 so why shouldn't I get to live a full life?  Like I said, I think that Corey would want that for me.  In fact he told me he did when we had the "what if something ever happened to me" conversation while he was gearing up to deploy.  I always swore I would never ever be with anyone else.  I told him I would be a cat lady and never get out of bed but, that is simply not realistic.  Also, I always imagined that if something were to ever happen to one of us, it would be when we were much older, not 24 and 25.  I will continue to love him and honor him as long as I live though.  I will continue to be a huge part of the Little family no matter what happens in my life, they are still my family.   I will always do runs and anything else I can in honor of him.  I just do not think that I should have to be alone forever to "prove" to some people that I still love my late husband.  I do hope that things work out with this guy.  He is extremely sweet, very sensitive to the situation, has a lot of respect for Corey, and is great with Corey Ann. 

I got the courage to write this blog, as well as tell Corey's family about me being with someone, from talking it out with tons of other widows.  I want to say thank you to all of you for giving me the strength to do it.  I was terrified of making people upset with me.  Now I know, and hope, that people just want the best for me.  Thank you also to everyone who has been there for me for the past year and 2 months.  You have no idea how much it means to me to have such amazing people in my life!! I love you all!! 

A Year in Review

I have had a lot that I felt I have had to get out these past few days.  As February 1st got closer and closer I started to get more and more nervous about how I would feel about the one year anniversary of Corey's passing coming up.  I feel the need to warn you that this post will not be a pleasant one, but I just need to vent.  So, please don't read any further if you are not sure that you can handle it.

This past year I have done a lot of things that I had never imagined having to do, ever, much less at age 24.  When I should have been at an appointment with my husband that we scheduled so that we could find out the sex of our baby together, I was being handed a piece of paper stating what remains of my husband was found and it's condition.  (The absolute worst moment of my life after being notified he was gone).  Instead of going out to Babies R Us and picking out things for our little girl, I had to pick out my husband's casket. I had to fill out paper after paper and read "deceased" over and over again.  I had to make decisions, some really hard ones. I had to tour multiple cemeteries, decide if I wanted the option or not to be able to be buried next to him when the time came, plan a funeral, and everything that goes along with that.  I had to get dressed up and attend my husband's funeral.  I faced people who did not know what to say to me, and the ones I did speak with, I cannot remember what was said.   I felt like I was in a nightmare and no matter how many times I pinched myself (and at one point even slapped) I was not going to wake up from it.

I never thought that I was capable of any of that, much less going through labor knowing he was not ever coming back, bringing our daughter to a house that he would never live in, and being a single Mom.  In that respect, I have actually amazed myself.  Corey used to always tell me I was a strong person and I never believed him.  I guess I am proving him right.  There is a difference though, between being strong and being alright.  I am strong, yes, but I am not alright.  I do what I need to.  I take good care of my little girl, I pay my bills, I function.  I also cry, a lot.  I can never tell anymore when I am going to but some days are worse than others. Am I doing better than I was a little less than a year ago? Well, yes and no.  See after I was notified and for quite a long time after I was still in complete shock.  I simply could not grasp the fact that I, Nicole Little, at the age of 24, had fallen madly in love, gotten married to the man of my dreams, got pregnant, and before we had very much time to be excited about the pregnancy, my husband died.  It is not something that comes easily and to be honest, I simply could not believe it.  Maybe I went crazy for a little while.  Maybe my body did that so that I could have a safe pregnancy.  Grief never gets easier, it just gets different.  Does it sting as much as it used to? No.  If you kept getting hit in the same spot for a year, the damage would be there, but you would be numb.  That is how I feel.  Like I said though, I amaze myself every single day.  I cannot believe that I am able to do the things that I am doing.  I always swore I would be one of those people that gave up on life and never got out of bed if anything were to happen to my Corey but, when it comes down to it, (as one of my friends who has been through this too said) that is not realistic, and Corey would not want that for me.  At the end of this month I will be doing a run in memory of Corey in Disney World.  It will be a hard day but I am doing something that I can feel good about. 

All I want for my life is to make Corey proud.  I want to help people, be a great Mom, put others first, and stay positive.  Will it be hard? Extremely.  Will I get discouraged and fall apart sometimes? Definitely.  But, I will do it, and I will give it all I've got.  I want to live a life worthy of what he had to sacrifice, and I have already come further than I ever imagined I could. 

California

Corey Ann and I just got back from our trip to California.  I originally put the trip off a few times before booking it because to be honest, I was not sure how I would handle it.  The last time I was there was the hardest time of my life, and before that, the best times of my life.  Facing all of those memories again was going to be hard.

The last things I remember from being there before I left were this.  Being notified of the worst news of my life while sitting on the same couch that Corey and I had been cuddling and watching TV on only hours earlier. Having friends come and go in and out of my apartment as I just sat there, which to be honest, I don't remember very much of.  Going to the doctor to make sure that the baby was ok because of all of the stress I was under.  Getting sick which, in any other normal pregnancy I would say it was morning sickness but, the only time I ever got sick during my entire pregnancy was the week that Corey died.  I remember going to the memorial at Corey's Squadron for all of the Marines involved in the accident, Corey getting his name on the memorial wall, and walking out of the squadron thinking, the last time I was walking through these doors, we were laughing and saying "See you at home".  I remember deciding to have movers come and pack up my apartment on the same day that I was getting on a plane so that I did not have to go through all of our stuff and pick up the pieces of the life I had built.  California was the last place I felt the world was a great place, the last place I felt secure, and the last place I felt like myself.  Going to see all of the people and places that Corey and I used to go and see was difficult to say the least.  Driving down the 5 and the 78 toward San Marcos from Camp Pendleton was hard.  Every exit I passed and store I saw held a memory of us.  I cried the entire time on 78.  Looking around thinking, we used to eat there, I used to drag him into that mall all of the time, we loved going there, we had date night there.  I begged and begged God to let the world change around me as I drove.  Let me still be pregnant and let me be driving back to our apartment where he was waiting for me.  I'd give anything, I swore.  I promised I would do things differently, not that I did anything I regret, but that I would make sure I never wasted a minute of time with him, I would let him know just how much I adored him and everything he did, I would love him like no one has ever been loved before, and I would make a difference in the world.  Just let me be driving home I begged.  But, that didn't happen.  The world is not like that, and it stung even more. 

I saw a lot of our friends and it was good to see them, just as it was hard. Everyone has continued living their lives, the life I was supposed to be living right now with Corey.  I visited the squadron and saw all of the guys my husband worked with.  They were all happy to see the baby.  I had lunches and dinners with friends that were great.  Everyone was so happy to see (and say) just how much she looks like Corey.  I had dinner with another wife whose husband was one of the ones who died with Corey and it was helpful.  I also had lunch with a fellow widow and it was so very nice talking to someone who understood and had been in my shoes and to see where she is in her grief and her life now.  I did a lot of things that were good for my grief, as hard as it was. 

As we come up on the one year anniversary of the accident (which seems crazy to me) things will get harder.  I sometimes sit and wonder how I have made it through these past 11 months and that I cannot believed I survived a year in a world that Corey is not in anymore.  I will forever miss our simple life we lived in California.  I loved it so much.  No matter how many times we had to watch our spending to make sure we could make it to the next paycheck, how many times he got unexpectedly called into work, and how far we were from the rest of our family, I would trade everything in this world, even the ability to live the rest of my life, for one more month, week, day, or even hour with Corey.  Those were the good times.  He was my everything.  I love you Corey.  Thank you for showing me what happy was, and for showing me how to be the person I am today.  You were and always will be my strength, and the reason I try to be the best person and Mom I can be.  Thank you forever.....

New Year

Last year on New Years day was one of the happiest days ever.  Corey and I were at his parents house in Georgia for the holidays and I woke up before him.  Right when I opened my eyes I for some reason decided to go take a pregnancy test.  I had taken 2 the week before but, was hoping that maybe it was just too early to tell and maybe, just maybe it would be positive this time.  I tiptoed passed him and went to take it.  I waited the whole 2 or 3 minutes it says to take it and then looked. My heart sunk at first glance. I thought it was negative again.  We were so ready and although we had just started trying two weeks before, I guess I was hoping it was just meant to be.  Well I picked it up off of the counter and in the light saw an extremely faint line.  I just stared at it for a minute and then pulled out the paper that explained how these things worked.  Up until that point I was not even sure exactly where that second line was supposed to show up and this time it was as if I could see where it was supposed to be, but it was not visible at first glance.  The paper said that any line at all indicated pregnancy.  I suddenly smiled. I knew it had to have been early, possibly the very first few hours I would have been able to tell anyway, but there it was, a positive.  I threw the tiptoing out of the door at that point and ran into the bedroom, flipped on the light, and said. "Corey, can you come in here for a second?" (very calmly so he would not know exactly why yet).  He slowly got up out of bed with a "seriously baby, it's vacation and it's 7am" face on but, he came without complaint.  I picked up the test and showed him and he just smiled and started rubbing my back.  His face was so cute.  He had this "well, we did it" look.  I will never forget it.  He looked so content, and I was too.  We told his parents that day and they were excited too.  His Dad called me "Little Momma" the rest of the trip.  We asked his brother to be the Godfather and he then started telling people "jokingly" to call him "The Godfather", haha.  We went home to California a few days later and went to the doctor to confirm it.  I was a mess hoping that the test was not wrong and so he got off of work that day early to meet me at the doctor's office.  The doctor came into the room and said immediately, "Well Mrs.Little, it looks like you're going to be a Mom".  We both smiled and went out to eat to celebrate....................

This New Years Day I woke up, bought flowers, and drove up to the cemetery to visit Corey's grave.  Never in a million years would I have thought last year, when we were so happy about starting our family and having the first of hopefully three kids that this year I would be going to a National Cemetery to visit him.  It's unfair. It's scary.  It's eye opening. No one can escape it.  You never know when it will happen.  We were just starting out. That was just the beginning for us, or so we thought.

I have been non stop since the accident last February.  Idle time is not good for me.  I have too much time to think, and frankly, feel sorry for myself.  I hate it. So, I stay busy, travel, do anything to keep my mind off of it. I think that may have hurt me though.  Last year I attended a Seminar in Washington DC for Military Survivors and one thing that a speaker said that sat with me was that you can never escape grief.  You can put it off for days, months, years, but one day it will come back and you will have to deal with it.  That is so true.  I used to have a problem crying in front of people because I did not want anyone to be uncomfortable around me, not know what to say, or just avoid me entirely so, I hid my feelings.  That is becoming harder and harder to do and I think it's because I've bottled it up too long.  I cry in front of people now which is weird for me but the tears just come out, I cannot even help it.  I cannot believe that in almost a month it will have been a year since my Corey was alive last.  A whole year.  I miss him, whole heartedly, longingly, hopelessly miss him.  I need him in my life.  I buy things to remember him by almost once a month, earrings, a "C" charm to put onto my necklace that I wear.  The same necklace that Corey gave me the first year we were married. I did not wear it everyday but when I did his whole face would light up and he would say how happy it made him when I wore it.  I have not taken it off since February 22.

New Years day was not the only time during the holidays that I went to visit Corey.  We went on Christmas Day too.  I broke down in the car on the way into the cemetery.  That morning I remembered thinking I was cold so I went and turned the heater on and then it hit me, I'm warm and cozy.....and as aweful as it sounds, he was not.  He would never be again, and it was not fair.  I remember telling my Mom on Christmas Eve when she asked what our plans for Christmas was, I said, "Oh, you know, just what every 25 year old wants to do on Christmas day, going to visit my husband's grave". She was not quite sure how to respond to that but that was my fault.  I need to not be so bitter. 

I do not know what this new year brings but, I hope it is better than last year.  It's hard for me to say that 2012 was a terrible year as a whole because I had Corey Ann.  I just hope that this year is a little easier.

I kept wondering what I was going to do with my life now.  I knew what I wanted before but, that cannot happen anymore.  I started to realize that the best way to make myself feel better is to help others.  So, that's what I'm going to do.  I am going to do whatever I can to help others. Especially those whose shoes I have been in.  I cannot think of a better way to honor Corey than to be the best Mom I can be to his little girl, and to help others in any way that I can by volunteering my time and anything else that I can do for others.  That's my new dream. 

What stage is this again?

When the accident first happened, I was handed many different books on grief and what doctors say it should be like. Some doctors say there are 5 stages, and some say there are 7. We will go ahead and say there are 5 because, well, my life is complicated enough without adding two more extra steps (haha).  So here they are.

1. Shock and Denial.
      This one was a tough one and I'll explain why.  I am sure that most people who lose a loved one are in some sort of shock but, as people get older and older I would assume that it is not as shocking when a 100 year old who lived a full life dies as when a perfectly healthy 25 year old does. I guess I could be wrong there but, I can 100% say that I never in a million years saw this coming.  Did I know my husband's job was dangerous? Well, yes but no.  He told me it was but not in a real "and I'm scared for my life" kind of way.  It was just one of those things almost like when you are younger and your parents are worried about you going off to college on your own because they know how dangerous the world can be.  You are not "really" scared and although they are, they never actually think that something will happen to you.  That is how I was.  So, in that sense I guess I did not actually know it was dangerous, I had just heard it a few times and never actually believed it because well, nothing that bad would ever happen to him or me. We now all see how very wrong I was.  But,  I have to be honest here.  If he had not been in the accident, and it had been another guy in the squadron.  If I had to sit and watch, as all of my friends did, as people lost their husband and grieved, it would have scared me, yes. But, to be honest I really don't think that I would even think THEN that that could happen to me.  You always think it's going to be someone else.  There is no way you can prepare for something like that.  I think back to the funeral and I have no idea how I even came out of the back room to greet everyone but then I realize, it was because I was in shock and most likely denial.  I was still being the hostess, the good wife, the only thing I knew how to be at the time.  This "stage" sort of takes over when it is just too much to handle.  If I had to do all of that with how I feel now, I would not be able to with as much grace as I did then. That is because I am done with the shock stage, and sometimes I wish I wasn't because it was a great way to mask the pain.

2.Anger and Guilt
       Oh I've had my fair share of encounters with this one for sure. I also think they should add "self pity" to this one.  I sometimes get so angry that I want to throw things that no one would care if I broke just to get some of it out and then sometimes I get so sad and feel so guilty.  I think, maybe if we had picked East Coast instead of West Coast while doing the "dream sheet" (sort of tells the USMC where you would "like" to be and they decide after that).  He did not care and because I had JUST moved to California the month before and figured, we will move again eventually, I said to stay in California and he agreed and so we did.  If I had said that I wanted to go to the East Coast, maybe we would be there now, and this never would have happened.  After that, there were so many decisions that we made that I think just maybe could have determined whether or not he was on that helicopter that night.  I know people will say, you can't think that way, you had no way to know.  It's hard to not think that way though, and anyone who has been in my shoes will tell you that.

3.Bargaining
        I still do a lot of this.  These are my "take everything from me, just give me back my husband" days.  I do it a lot.  I beg and beg in silence to just let me see him once.  I've begged to allow me to give up the rest of my life to just spend one more day with him, anything.  I can say, being 100% honest, that if given the chance I would do anything, I mean anything, to be able to see him again.  But, I know that's not how things work and it simply cannot happen.

4.Depression
     Not clinical depression (always) but in some cases, some people do need a little help from a doctor to get past this one.  Don't ask me if I will or not, because I still don't know the answer to that.  On a normal day, I wake up and I am just "ok".  I happen to see something online about a friend who is greeting their husband home and how they are so very excited or how sad they are that they have not seen their husband for a week and then, I get upset and shut my computer.  Then, I spend time with my baby girl and she makes things better, for a while, until night time comes.  I can have all the friends in the world and all the family in the world who help me out and are there for me but, at night, everyone else goes home to their own lives and I sit on my sofa watching tv alone. Yes, I have my baby girl and I am so so thankful for that but, it's different than having your other half there with you. 

5.Acceptance
     This stage is not to say that everything is okay, just that you accept that it happened and that you need to live with this daunting fact. 


The thing about all of these stages (says all of the doctors) is that everyone goes through them at a different rate and just because you go on to another stage, does not mean that you wont take steps back into the prior one.  Grief is messy and unpredictable.  That I know for sure. 

Our wedding anniversary was the 4th of December.  I remember last year very well actually.  We went out to eat, and at dinner we talked about the future.  We both agreed how lucky we were to have each other, a conversation we had quite often actually. He said he was excited because it was only the beginning and we had so many amazing things ahead of us.  We knew we were going to try to have kids soon and that was exciting.  We were that cheesy couple holding hands across the table and barely paying attention to the waiter when she came.  I miss that.  When I see it at restaurants now, I cringe.  I will say that I am very good at hiding my feelings.  I could be falling apart on the inside and you would never know it.  That helps me cope. If I get upset then people around me get upset and then they don't know how to be around me or they feel the need to "fix" me and I just don't need that.  When I figure out what it is that I do need, I will be the first to let them know but, for now, I act fine and everyone can go about their business. Sometimes when I am out somewhere, a cashier or someone else I don't know, just starting friendly conversation, will ask if I'm married or something along those lines and I just say yes, and leave it at that.  I bought a video game for myself  a couple of weeks ago and the worker said, "Is this for you?".  I said yes and she then said,"Oh I bet your husband loves the fact that his wife plays video games too!" (guess she saw my ring) and I just agreed.  These people  don't know that I am screaming inside, and they don't need to. 

I went to a funeral recently.  My grandmother's friend's husband passed away, he was 98.  He was in the Army when he was younger and had the flag on the casket and everything.  I did not even realize how much it would affect me.  At one point I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to pull myself together.  I looked around and, no one was crying.  People seemed sad, yes, but this was also a celebration of his long life lived. There was a slideshow of photos playing and it was pictures from his entire life.  He and his wife growing old together, buying a house, traveling, etc. I was envious.  This was what Corey "should" have had.  A funeral when he was pushing 100 and lived a full life.  This couple did not do anything world changing.  I was just envious of the fact that they got to be together that long.  I had my life all planned out.  I did not want anything extravagant.  I wanted three kids, a house, and a beautiful simple life with the man I loved. I wanted to celebrate 50 plus anniversaries with him and live happily ever after.  Had it panned out that way, I would have been happy but, never really known just how incredibly lucky I was to have it.  No one knows until they lose it.  They may think that they do, but there is no way to really see the whole picture until it is ripped away.

I find myself recently wondering which "stage" I am in and I can say, I have no idea.  I still sometimes daydream that maybe Corey is just on some secret mission with the others and they could not tell us they had to go. (Stupid I know).  Sometimes I still get angry, and I most definitely still "bargain".I cry, but not as much as I used to.  I think that's because I'm still too angry about it.  I will never have that simple life I wanted. I will always carry this around with me.

People often say "Oh you're still young, you might find someone else".  Here is what I have to say about that because it was recently brought to my attention by a friend of mine that people are wondering about "that" part of my life now and how I will handle it.  I am not as strong as some may think.  I miss Corey extremely and being with someone right now or anytime time soon for that matter would only be to fill the huge void that Corey left.  But,  I will say that when the time comes,  I have no intentions of ever getting married or having anymore children, ever again.  I have my reasons for that, some I'm not so proud of like financial ones but, also, I married who I wanted to marry.  Neither he nor I willingly ended it.  I will forever feel like I am married to him.  I know for a fact that he and I would have celebrated those 50 plus anniversaries had he not been taken too soon and for that, I cannot picture ever doing those things with someone else.  I am also not blind to the fact that it's crazy to think I will be alone forever.  I know that I wont.  But, when and if I ever date or don't date again, it will be on my timeline and my terms.  Not because some people think that I should because it's been long enough and not because some people think that I should not because, to them, it hasn't been long enough.  I wont be able to please everyone I'm sure but, my feelings come first. For my own sanity if anything else. It is not fair for people to give their opinion on things that they honestly know nothing about.  I have seen it happen to some of my new found widow friends and it breaks their heart because it makes them feel extreme guilt and that they are being pushed and pulled in every direction.  People have no right to tell you its too soon or that it's time to move on.  No one knows what's right. A year? Two? Five? Never? No one knows or has the right to say that they do. Especially when they are not the ones who have to go home alone every night.  It is also easy for people to say "Isn't it time to move on, it's been _____ long."  That's easy for them because they have no idea how it felt to be in my husband's arms and see him smile and know it's because of you.  They say it takes a year to grieve, and that's for normal relationsips. (Not to say that after a year you will be okay, just to say that you will be over the most of it) But, I'm not so sure that is correct for me because what Corey and I had was anything but ordinary.  I cannot imagine ever loving someone the same as I love him except our little girl. 

I don't know, maybe I am sort of in the "acceptance" stage with one foot still in depression/anger.  Because I am just now coming to terms with the fact that when I think about my future, it does not look anything like it used to.  There will be no big family, and growing old with the love of my life.  I need to have a new future and I have no idea what I want it to look like anymore. I know that no matter what, I will always do what's best for my baby girl. She is my world. But, besides that, I have no idea what I want to do. All I wanted to be was Corey's wife and support him and cheer him on in everything that he did.  My identity is gone. Almost 10 months later and I still feel lost. Lost is the best word for how I feel.  Lost and stuck, as the world moves on without me....

The Greatest Gift

So, it sure has been a long week, but one of the best ones I have had in a very very long time.  It  was a long process but here goes.  (This next paragraph may be a bit much for some so if you are sqeemish maybe skip to the next one)


Sunday night Corey Ann was kicking A LOT and I finally got some sleep only to wake up at about 2 am.  I woke up, and as soon as I got out of bed my water broke! I went to the bathroom, called my Mom, jumped in the shower for a few min, then my Mom and I headed to the hospital at about 3am.  They admitted me at about 4am and checked me, I was only 1cm dilated and my cervix was still thick. They told my doc and he said he would be there around 8am.  I was planning on going all natural with no epidural, no anything.  Well, 8am rolls around and my doc comes in to check me, I'm still 1cm.....4 hours later!! :(  He could not even feel the head so they checked to make sure she was head down which she was but she was really high.  We waited a few more hours and at about 10am I was checked again and still nothing....but the doc thought I had an inner sack of water that may be stopping the baby from descending.  He went in and busted it and I automatically went from a 1 to a 4.  Well I told them I would take Pitocin but no epidural (which they thought I was insane for) and so they started pitocin and I had already been having contractions all day at about a level 10 (they go from 1-12)  and the pitocin upped that to 12s. Still, no pain meds to this point.  At about 9:45pm the doc came in a checked me one last time and I was STILL at a 4 and had been in labor 19 hours with no pain meds and everyone said they could see it in my face that I was so exhausted.  The doc said the baby's head just was not engaging and he did not think it was going to happen but would let me try if I wanted to keep trying.  I did NOT want a c-section but I really had no fight left in me at that point and I really just wanted it to be over.  I asked the doctor a ton of questions (How will it feel?,  How long will recovery be?) and they eventually took me back to prep for surgery.  They gave me a spinal which I think is quite amazing since before they even took the needle out completely,  my feet were numb and it was going up my leg.  I was so terrified but my Mom and Corey's Mom eventually came in the room and got to be with me for the surgery.  I did not feel a thing except for a lot of pressure from them pushing and pulling.  At 10:17pm on September 10th after 19 hours of labor and finally getting a c-section, Corey Ann Little was born.  When I heard her cry, It did not even matter that my "birth plan" did not go the way I originally wanted.

Thank goodness I did get the c-section because she was almost 9lbs!! That might have been hard for me to push her out.  So, I stayed in the hospital until Thursday morning.  I was so ready to bring my baby girl home.  The hospital stay was nice though.....I really liked having 3 meals delivered to me a day haha.  I could not imagine loving someone more than I love her.  She not only is my daughter  but she is everything that I have left of Corey and I see so much of him in her face.  It really is so bittersweet because I adore her and everything she does just makes me smile but, I also get sad when I think about how unfair it is that Corey is missing all of it.  People have no idea how lucky they are to be able to have their family together.  I don't want much, just a simple life with my little girl and her Daddy.  It is not asking for too much, yet, I cannot have it.  Something changed in me when I had her.  I had already learned a lot about what really mattered and what did not from how positive a person Corey was but it went even further now.  I now feel like nothing matters but her,  she is all I think about.  Her, and her Daddy ofcorse.  I want to spend every single second with her.  I could not imagine if I had to go to work in a few weeks and leave her.  I am lucky in the aspect that I do not have to go to work and won't be until she is in school.  I do not want to miss one second of her life.  I just love her so much.  She is my purpose, that purpose I have been looking forward to since I thought I lost all purpose and reason to live in February.  I thought nothing and no one in this world could make me happy again and it was not true. She can.  I want to make her life the best it can possibly be, not only because of how much I just adore her, but I feel it is a way for me to show how much I still love my husband.  I see her as a part of him (which she is) and loving her is just like loving him.

 

Corey's family has been staying with me all week but will be leaving tomorrow.  It will just be the baby and I.  I will ofcorse have my Mom around a lot but I cannot help but be afraid.  I am a first time Mom.  I have no idea what I am doing!  All I can do is try my best, follow my instincts, and above all, put her first in everything that I do.  I love you Corey.  I am so sad you left and I will forever have a huge void in my life and in my heart but I want to thank you so so much for leving me the greatest gift I could have ever been given.  I will make you proud I promise.  You used to always call me on your way home and say "I can't wait to get home to my girls!", or "I love my girls!!" talking about Lola and I.  You always said "my girls".  I just imagine you still saying that now. Please know that "your girls" will forever be your girls and we love you and will honor you for the rest of our lives.  

Baby Girl is Almost Here

 So, I am a little over three weeks from my due date.  A lot of people ask me, "Are you ready?" and that is a complicated question.  Am I ready to be a Mom? Absolutely! I was ready and excited without fear as soon as I saw the positive test and what helped was Corey's big smile when I showed him.  Am I ready for the emotions this might bring on? Maybe not. But, there is not really much I can do about it.  I cannot wait to hold her.  I hope when I look into her eyes, I see so much of Corey in them.  I know that it will be emotional going through the birth without him.  I would have had the best partner in not only that, but raising her as well.  He would have given "Being a good father" a whole new meaning. Sometimes, after we found out I was pregnant, he would state he was nervous about being a good Dad. He said he was afraid of screwing up.  I told him that no parent is perfect and if anyone came remotely close to perfect, it would have been him.  He cared so much about everyone else,  the influence he would have had on his children with the type of personality he had would have been amazing.  I pray I can teach her all of the things that he would have, or else I will feel she got cheated, even more than she already has been since she never gets to meet the greatest man I have ever had the honor of knowing.  I just wish I knew he was here.  I wish I could get some sort of sign that he was around.  Even though I cannot see him, it would just be a comfort knowing that.  Maybe I would not feel I was doing this all on my own.  Yes, I have family that is super supportive but it's not the same as my husband telling me (lying to me) about how beautiful I am while in labor and kissing me and thanking me for giving him a daughter.  I'd give anything to have that.  To see his face the first time he held her would be a dream come true. 

 So, as of now I am pretty much settled into my house in Louisiana.  I love the house but,  this is not at all what I wanted to feel the first time I was a homeowner.  I wish I could share all of this with Corey.  I actually just wish to go back to my little apartment in California, just to be with him. I would stay there forever and ever.  But, it is what it is and I have to try and make the best of it.  I have so much love these days it feels like and it has no where to go.  I have so much I wish that I could say to Corey, so much I want to thank him for and basically just tell him how incredibly amazing I think he is and I can't.  That is another reason I cannot wait to see the baby.  She can be the outlet for all of the love I have built up for Corey because taking care and loving her as much as I can is the best possible way I know how to show how much I still love and adore her Daddy.  I see her little feet sliding across my belly as I am typing this and it just reminds me of what a miracle this little girl is.  She and I have made it (so far) through a very rough 6 months.  I can already tell she is going to be a strong little girl. 

I do get to bring her to a Memorial for all seven of the families involved in the crash that will be in November at Arlington Cemetery in Washington DC.  It will be good that, even though she will not know what is going on, she will get the chance to be a part of one of her Father's memorials.  It was originally scheduled for August but I am so grateful that they push it back to make it possible for she and I to attend.  It will also be good to see the other families.  Right after the accident we were all in such shock and in such a state of grief that we barely spoke to one another and it will be so nice to be able to give them all hugs.  We are all in this together after all.  So,  as I said before,  I have so much I want to say to Corey and no where for it to go so, I am going to follow this with a "letter" that I wish he could read....and if I'm lucky, maybe somehow he will.

Dear Corey (Cookie Monster),

It's been a rough almost six months down here without you.  I cannot even believe that I am still functioning as I am.  Am I making you proud?  I hope so.  That is all I want and if you could tell me how and what to do, I would do it, no matter how crazy.  I would do anything for you.  I am sorry for all of the petty things we used to argue about like you not wanting to leave the house but me dragging you out to get me Frozen Yogurt anyway.  I know everyone has little things like that but I just wish I could sit on the couch with you forever and never ever leave.  I would never make you go shopping with me again.  I want to thank you for showing me what true love feels like.  I will never ever be able to replace you and no one will ever be able to even come remotely close to the man that you were but, if in time (a long time) someone comes along,  they have huge shoes to fill and their curse will be that they will most likely always be compared to you. (with good reason).  I adore you.  I wish sometimes, as bad as it seems, that I could have switched places with you.  I would have done anything to keep you safe and would gladly take your place so that you could come back and bring your amazing laughter and personality to everyone like you always did.  I am not saying I am a bad person, but you were always the best person I ever knew.  You made me a better person. You showed me how to love, how to be selfless, how to help others as much as I could, and we both did a lot of growing up together.  I cannot thank you enough for the lessons you taught me.  I just wish that all of these things I have learned and thought about in the past 6 months I would have known before.  I know you know I love you, but I should have told you every single day how much I appreciated everything, how you got up so early for work every morning to provide for me, how you would always ask if I needed any help around the house after you had spent 13 hours working on helicopters and were extremely exhausted, how you would run the streets with me all weekend long just to make me happy even though you wished we could have just stayed home and relaxed.  I cannot thank you enough for how much you loved me.  There was never a question in my mind, I could just tell, from how you looked at me to how you could never keep your hands off of me and were always kissing me and hugging me.  I was never without your attention and gosh, I cannot think of anything I want more in this world right now than to have just five minutes of your attention again.  I had never felt so beautiful and confident than when I was around you.  You will forever be my inspiration to be the best person I know how to.  I will make mistakes, I know, as I have before, but you have my word I will try my best and make you proud.  I love you so much.  I know I have a long time until we meet again but,  I will patiently wait for that day when I get to be back in your arms, the only place I really belong. Watch over and guide your girls please, we need you so much more than you know.

Love,
Your Wife

2 Months and counting....down

 So, I am well into my third trimester of being pregnant with my little miracle.  I seriously cannot wait until September and I get to hold her.  I am not so much looking forward to the "pushing a human out of me" part but, you have to take the good with the bad, right??  I do get sad thinking about the fact that Corey won't be here for it though.  I felt I could do anything with him by my side.  If I was scared, he always knew exactly what to say to calm me down or make me feel better.  I was never more confident in myself than when he was around. I miss all of our little notes we used to leave eachother, like the two in the pictures I have on here. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had taken pictures of these on two random days.  I can forgive his 2nd grade handwriting since he always left such sweet messages. 

So, I have exactly 2 months to prepare for this baby to get here! Lots to do. I am going to be moving into a house that is in the same neighborhood as my Mom just outside of New Orleans. It's a big decision but, I need to have family close for one, and also, I need my own space. Having been on my own since I was 18, living with others (who are not my husband) is just not going to cut it.  I love it, don't get me wrong.  I just miss my privacy and MY stuff. This way, I will have my own space but I can call my Mom and say hey I need you and she will be there in the matter of minutes. Did I mention it's across the street and 2 houses down? Yeah, super close.  So, the countdown to get everything settled has begun.  I have a pretty busy schedule until then too so I need to get busy. 

I want to thank everyone for the amazing support up to this point.  I appreciate everyone always checking up on me and being there for me. I honestly would have no idea what to say to someone in my situation but, everyone has been so amazing and sometimes it's like ya'll know exactly what I need to hear to make me feel a little better.  To be honest, I did think at four months out I would be doing a little better than I am at this point but,  I feel I took a few steps back.  I know this can be normal, especially being in my third trimester and being more emotional than usual anyway.  Everyday things get me down though.  I went to pick up the furniture for the baby's room today and my Mom was all excited about setting it up and don't get me wrong, I was too,  but it also hurt a little because that is what my husband was supposed to do.  I am sure there will be so many moments in my and Corey Ann's life that I will feel like that and it just sucks, alot.  I see people post photos on Facebook of their husbands with their children and not that I'm mad about that, because I would have no doubt posted hundreds of those if Corey was still here, it just hurts to see.  Those are photos I will never ever have.  I will never get to see them together and that is so upsetting.  I just miss him.  I miss his sweet compliments, his arms around me, his amazing laugh, and basically any and everything about him.  I don't think God could have created a better man for me.  He was perfection to me. I know this post was a bit random.  Just had a lot to say.  Thanks again everyone for being such good friends and family.  I may not say it a lot but your thoughts and prayers are so appreciated and can turn one of my sad moods into a better one. I love you all. 

Month Four/ Corey's Smiles

Four months since the accident. Wow. Just, wow.  I cannot even imagine how I have even been able to make it to this day without going completely crazy. Corey was my rock, and also like my walking diary.  I told him everything. Even those random thoughts we get from time to time that we usually never share with anyone, I shared those with him.  He knew me better than anyone and most of the time better than I knew myself. How have I made it this far without him around? It helps that I knew him extremely well too and that I pretty much know what he would say or do in reaction to almost every situation.  Even while he was alive I joked I was going to make a bracelet to remind me of this. Remember those WWJD bracelets that were so popular years ago? We joked I should make a WWCD bracelet for times he was gone and I did not know what to do, but especially how much to spend lol.  It helps knowing how he would feel about things I am doing.  I think about him as much as you can possibly think about another person.  I am not saying I took him for granted but, there were so many things I adored about him that I honestly did not even notice while he was around.  The world and our lives were too busy to notice the simple things like that and gosh I wish we had just took time to slow down so I could have told him every single thing I loved about him.  While searching for a photo to put in the background of my IPhone, I noticed a smile in one of his photos that only came around in particular situations.  I felt a little cheesy since I had seen something similar in a movie, "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton" (cute movie btw if you have not seen it!).  So, I went through all of his pictures, along with all of my memories and came up with a list. A list of 8 smiles that my amazing husband had. Each was unique and could brighten up any room or situation. So, here's my (I don't care how cheesy it is and I know he is probably laughing at me right now) list:

Smile 1

This was his smile for when he was genuinely having a good time/in the middle of laughing.  I usually saw this when I did something ditsy and he found it amusing or when we were doing something he enjoyed. In this photo, we were on vacation in Vegas.....and he had just been served the largest beer I had ever seen. You can imagine the excitement!

Smile 2

This was his, "okay I don't have to be in every single photo we take, ever" smile.  I know it annoyed him how many photos I took of him! He probably heard "SMILE!!!" 50 times every day we were on vacation but, I am so happy because those photos left me with hundreds and hundreds of memories.

Smile 3

 This was his, "I'm so exhausted and my crazy wife is making me take a picture that if I don't give her atleast a smirk, she will make me take again" smile. So cute....even when sleepy. This was after the Marine Corps Ball so, he had every right to be sleepy. I made him dance quite a bit!!

Smile 4

This classic smile was one that graced everyone who was in his presence when he had a few drinks and boy was it a fun one!  He would never get drunk really, just extremely happy. He was super affectionate too when he got in these moods. In this one he was also having a lot of fun because we were at a San Diego Padres game with all of HMLA-469 so we were hanging with all of his friends and their wives.

Smile 5

This was a smile I saw quite often.  This is the one that made it to the background of my phone, by the way.  He gave me this smile when he was proud of himself for doing something sweet for me.  If the smile could have been put into words it would have read, "Did I do a good job, sweetheart?".  For instance, if I was having a bad day sometimes he would stop and pick me up some of my favorite ice cream or something else I really liked and when he gave it to me.....he gave me this smile along with it.  He was so proud of himself when he did sweet things for me and I could tell he enjoyed it just as much as I did. I was so lucky.


Smile 6

No long caption needed for this one. This was his "I'm so cool" smile.  That was him and my little stepbrother when we went to Disney World last year.  As you can see, he was definitely ready for kids! :)

Smile 7

This was his, "I'm at work but I'm having fun......and ofcorse I know I get to go home soon" smile.  I am sure that he had his times of being mad at his job, everyone does, but this was how I usually saw him when I went to visit him at the Squadron.  He never saw the point in complaining about everything. I am not sure if that was just his positive outlook on things or his common sense because complaining will get you no where but, either way, he was a hard worker and kept his head up.

And....last but not least, my favorite.

Smile 8

This was his smile when he was looking at me.  I don't think he ever looked at me without complimenting me.  He was always telling me how lucky he thought he was that I picked him out of everyone else in the world, or just simply looking at me and saying, "Wow".  I never felt better than when I was in his eyes.


So, there's my cheesy list of smiles! It made me happy to write them all down....so that if I ever wonder later, there they are.

Four months is a long time to be without your best friend. I hope and pray he hears me when I talk to him.  I just wish I could see him once more. But, that would just leave me still saying that I wish I could see him once more after that. No amount of time with him would have ever been enough.  We could spend weeks straight without spending any time apart at all and we never ever got tired of eachother. It was so simple. That is how it should be. You should be content and do any and everything to make the other person happy because that is where your happiness really comes from. I never thought it possible but my love for him grows more every day.  It happens when I think about him and all of the things we shared.  It's a shame though that it took me until now to stop and think of all of those things I loved so much and never realized how lucky I was to just have that.  I could have lived forever with him in that little apartment, living paycheck to paycheck, chasing each other around the place and laughing, sharing meals, and just.....being us. "Live simply" my Mother always says. I think that is what she means.....

I went to visit the cemetery on Father's Day and we brought him a ton of flowers. I want people to know just how loved he was, not only for his amazing personality but for his ability to smile and make everyone around him smile too.  I just wish I could have seen the one smile that I most likely have not seen yet, the smile when he got to see his little girl.