Anger

These pictures were taken in Pensacola when Corey was there for a few months training.  I would leave work in New Orleans and drive to Pensacola, which was only about a 3 hour drive, and go spend the weekend with him every single Friday he was there.  The hotel was not the cheapest on base and we had to go get food every day on the weekends but it did not matter to us how much we had to spend in order to spend time with each other.  Every Friday I would get a text message from him counting down the hours until I would arrive there and we could spend the weekend together.  We were so excited and could not wait for what the future had in store for us.  We even pondered "secretly" getting married and then having our "official" wedding in December which we already had planned and booked.  That is how bad we could not wait to get married.  We ultimately decided that the BIG day in December would not be as special if we were actually already officially married so we decided to be good and wait.  But, the excitement and passion was so great and I will always remember him saying things like "I cannot wait to call you my wife."  All of the memories I have of the past 5 years are a bit like a double edged sword.  I am so grateful to have had love like that because I know that a lot of people never will know what it is like to be so content and completely and 100% in love with someone as much as I was in love with him but it also hurts.  It hurts because I had it so good and now it's gone.  I have recently begun to get very angry at that.  I am angry that we had such high hopes for our future and in a second he was gone.  I thought we were safe.  I mean,  as a 25 year old you never ever think about the possibility of this happening.  Why on Earth would you?  Most of the people my age are just now getting engaged and starting out and here I am.......already widowed.  Left behind by the greatest man that I have ever met who in no way ever deserved an ending like that.  I find myself apologizing to him while I sit alone sometimes.  It is the same type of "I'm sorry" that I hear when people see me for the first time since seeing me before the accident.  They cannot do anything about it nor did they cause it, they are just.....sorry.  That's how I feel.  I am so sorry this happened to him.  He did not deserve it.  He had so much to offer this world and my world is not the same without him.  It is dull and grey.

I read in many of the books that I have been handed that the 3 month mark is for some reason the hardest.  I think it is because the shock is almost completely gone and I find myself asking,"Am I really doing this alone?"  Also, I feel so torn between so many people.  I know that everyone is being so supportive and yet I still feel like I need to please everyone which is really difficult while still trying to do what I want.  Even doing what I want is hard because I feel like I am reaching for a million different things to try and make me happy and not one of them works.  I know why.  Because what makes me happy is out of my reach.  I feel abandoned even though I know if given the choice he would be here.  I just feel alone.  I look at pictures of us and my smile is so different in those photos.  Will I ever smile like that again? Will I ever feel so content and and happy as I did the 5 years I was with him?  If not, then what kind of life do I have to look forward to?  It's overwhelming to even think about.  I have also had to make hard hard decisions.  Some of those I would rather not talk about on here as they are depressing enough but,  some are just hard.  I originally had planned on moving to Georgia and buying a house there.  I was actually in the process of buying a home about 25 minutes from the cemetery where Corey is.  The more I thought about it the more I was just unsure of my decision.  That was Corey and I's plan.  We planned on going to one of the southern states, Georgia, Alabama, (he even liked Virginia), and buying a house and having the white picket fence and living happily ever after.  When I was originally making the decisions after the accident,  I was on auto-pilot and I was "following the plan". I was told by many that maybe I should take a little longer to think about it and me being the stubborn person I am decided not to listen.  Well, I should have.  That WAS our plan.  It was our plan for the both of us and now it's just me.  That means things need to change because...he is gone.  I have to accept that.  I am alone and he's never coming back.  It hurts to even type that.  I decided to go home.  I backed out of buying the house in Georgia and decided to go home.  I wanted to be close to the cemetery but, to be honest, when I go up there, I just don't feel like he is there.  I guess it is because I never saw him when he was not alive and well so it's hard to accept he is there.  I still go and bring massive amounts of flowers and talk to his headstone just praying he hears me but,  I just cannot imagine he is really there.  I plan on going to visit atleast once a month not only the cemetery but Corey's family, who I consider my family too.  It is extremely important to me that they are a huge part of Corey Ann's life and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.  I lost my husband and they lost their son, brother, grandson, nephew....etc.  We all need each other to get through this.  So, my heart is split into three now.  One piece in Georgia because half of me and my family is there.  One piece in California because I miss the life we shared , our routine, my "normal" everyday things I did, and our amazing friends out there more than I ever knew you could miss something, and the last piece here, in New Orleans. I might get a house out here, I might not.  What I hope is that everyone will leave that to me.  I did not choose this life and it is hard enough without me worrying what people may think.  I made the mistake in Georgia to move too quickly but I am happy I did because I would have never known it was a mistake and maybe I would have always wondered if I should have done that or not.  New Orleans is not perfect...actually it is far from it.  Corey did not want to raise kids here but he said he would not have minded being stationed here.  He fit right in too.  We always had a blast when we came here and most of the places I go hold memories of him. I have done so much to try and make him proud and I know he just wants me to be happy. So here I am.   This is my "home" and where I will stay for now even though my home used to be wherever Corey was.  I would have followed him anywhere and been perfectly fine because he was my home.  I would give up everything else in my life to feel that comfortable again.  I just want to feel at "home" again.