Time

So, this Tuesday will be 3 whole months without Corey.  Three months without hearing his laugh, without him giving me a hug and kiss every single day when he got home without fail, three months without a "Good morning sweetheart" text like I used to get every morning.  To say that I miss him is a massive understatement.  I don't like thinking about the fact that it has been three whole months.  I have been "strong" in my previous posts but this one may have to be an exception.  I am not ready for time to keep going. A fourth of a year has passed without Corey in the world.  How could that happen?  How can time just keep going when he is gone?  I seriously do not even want to celebrate my 25th birthday on the 5th of June because I was 24 when he died and I don't want anything to change.  I know that may sound strange.  I dread new movies coming out because they are things that he never got to see and new music coming out because it is songs he will never get to hear.  It is not right.  He was so young, he should be here to experience all of that.  25 years is not enough time.  We always said that forever would not be long enough for us to spend together (cliche', I know) but that is just how we were. So, how am I supposed to accept that I only got 5 years with him?  I just wish time would slow down.  I am not ready for the world to move on without my Corey.  The further away it gets, the more I am forced to believe this is not just a nightmare I will eventually wake up from.  The only good thing to come of time moving so fast is getting to meet our daughter in September.  That will be so bittersweet.  I will get to hold Corey's daughter and her life is then in my hands. What an honor that will be to raise her.  I am so blessed to be able to do that for the man I love so much.  But, as sweet as that will be, it will also be another life event that my sweet husband will not get to experience.  I just wish time would slow down........and if I could really have a wish, it would be that time would just reverse.  People told me, and so did a few books on the subject, that the third month can sometimes be a very hard one.  Even harder than previous ones because of the fact that a lot of spouses are just starting to come out of the "in shock" state.  It gets harder and harder to keep up that wall I have been keeping up so that everyone will think I am "ok".  My Mother and I are attending the T.A.P.S. National Survivor Seminar in Washington, DC for four days next week.  There are grief workshops and you also get to meet others who have been in your shoes.  I think it is coming at the perfect time.  I know it will be a mix of helpful and hard but from what I have heard from all others, it is the most helpful thing you can do for yourself after losing a service member.  I am actually looking forward to that.  Thanks again everyone for your continued support.  I really cannot say that enough.