California

Corey Ann and I just got back from our trip to California.  I originally put the trip off a few times before booking it because to be honest, I was not sure how I would handle it.  The last time I was there was the hardest time of my life, and before that, the best times of my life.  Facing all of those memories again was going to be hard.

The last things I remember from being there before I left were this.  Being notified of the worst news of my life while sitting on the same couch that Corey and I had been cuddling and watching TV on only hours earlier. Having friends come and go in and out of my apartment as I just sat there, which to be honest, I don't remember very much of.  Going to the doctor to make sure that the baby was ok because of all of the stress I was under.  Getting sick which, in any other normal pregnancy I would say it was morning sickness but, the only time I ever got sick during my entire pregnancy was the week that Corey died.  I remember going to the memorial at Corey's Squadron for all of the Marines involved in the accident, Corey getting his name on the memorial wall, and walking out of the squadron thinking, the last time I was walking through these doors, we were laughing and saying "See you at home".  I remember deciding to have movers come and pack up my apartment on the same day that I was getting on a plane so that I did not have to go through all of our stuff and pick up the pieces of the life I had built.  California was the last place I felt the world was a great place, the last place I felt secure, and the last place I felt like myself.  Going to see all of the people and places that Corey and I used to go and see was difficult to say the least.  Driving down the 5 and the 78 toward San Marcos from Camp Pendleton was hard.  Every exit I passed and store I saw held a memory of us.  I cried the entire time on 78.  Looking around thinking, we used to eat there, I used to drag him into that mall all of the time, we loved going there, we had date night there.  I begged and begged God to let the world change around me as I drove.  Let me still be pregnant and let me be driving back to our apartment where he was waiting for me.  I'd give anything, I swore.  I promised I would do things differently, not that I did anything I regret, but that I would make sure I never wasted a minute of time with him, I would let him know just how much I adored him and everything he did, I would love him like no one has ever been loved before, and I would make a difference in the world.  Just let me be driving home I begged.  But, that didn't happen.  The world is not like that, and it stung even more. 

I saw a lot of our friends and it was good to see them, just as it was hard. Everyone has continued living their lives, the life I was supposed to be living right now with Corey.  I visited the squadron and saw all of the guys my husband worked with.  They were all happy to see the baby.  I had lunches and dinners with friends that were great.  Everyone was so happy to see (and say) just how much she looks like Corey.  I had dinner with another wife whose husband was one of the ones who died with Corey and it was helpful.  I also had lunch with a fellow widow and it was so very nice talking to someone who understood and had been in my shoes and to see where she is in her grief and her life now.  I did a lot of things that were good for my grief, as hard as it was. 

As we come up on the one year anniversary of the accident (which seems crazy to me) things will get harder.  I sometimes sit and wonder how I have made it through these past 11 months and that I cannot believed I survived a year in a world that Corey is not in anymore.  I will forever miss our simple life we lived in California.  I loved it so much.  No matter how many times we had to watch our spending to make sure we could make it to the next paycheck, how many times he got unexpectedly called into work, and how far we were from the rest of our family, I would trade everything in this world, even the ability to live the rest of my life, for one more month, week, day, or even hour with Corey.  Those were the good times.  He was my everything.  I love you Corey.  Thank you for showing me what happy was, and for showing me how to be the person I am today.  You were and always will be my strength, and the reason I try to be the best person and Mom I can be.  Thank you forever.....

New Year

Last year on New Years day was one of the happiest days ever.  Corey and I were at his parents house in Georgia for the holidays and I woke up before him.  Right when I opened my eyes I for some reason decided to go take a pregnancy test.  I had taken 2 the week before but, was hoping that maybe it was just too early to tell and maybe, just maybe it would be positive this time.  I tiptoed passed him and went to take it.  I waited the whole 2 or 3 minutes it says to take it and then looked. My heart sunk at first glance. I thought it was negative again.  We were so ready and although we had just started trying two weeks before, I guess I was hoping it was just meant to be.  Well I picked it up off of the counter and in the light saw an extremely faint line.  I just stared at it for a minute and then pulled out the paper that explained how these things worked.  Up until that point I was not even sure exactly where that second line was supposed to show up and this time it was as if I could see where it was supposed to be, but it was not visible at first glance.  The paper said that any line at all indicated pregnancy.  I suddenly smiled. I knew it had to have been early, possibly the very first few hours I would have been able to tell anyway, but there it was, a positive.  I threw the tiptoing out of the door at that point and ran into the bedroom, flipped on the light, and said. "Corey, can you come in here for a second?" (very calmly so he would not know exactly why yet).  He slowly got up out of bed with a "seriously baby, it's vacation and it's 7am" face on but, he came without complaint.  I picked up the test and showed him and he just smiled and started rubbing my back.  His face was so cute.  He had this "well, we did it" look.  I will never forget it.  He looked so content, and I was too.  We told his parents that day and they were excited too.  His Dad called me "Little Momma" the rest of the trip.  We asked his brother to be the Godfather and he then started telling people "jokingly" to call him "The Godfather", haha.  We went home to California a few days later and went to the doctor to confirm it.  I was a mess hoping that the test was not wrong and so he got off of work that day early to meet me at the doctor's office.  The doctor came into the room and said immediately, "Well Mrs.Little, it looks like you're going to be a Mom".  We both smiled and went out to eat to celebrate....................

This New Years Day I woke up, bought flowers, and drove up to the cemetery to visit Corey's grave.  Never in a million years would I have thought last year, when we were so happy about starting our family and having the first of hopefully three kids that this year I would be going to a National Cemetery to visit him.  It's unfair. It's scary.  It's eye opening. No one can escape it.  You never know when it will happen.  We were just starting out. That was just the beginning for us, or so we thought.

I have been non stop since the accident last February.  Idle time is not good for me.  I have too much time to think, and frankly, feel sorry for myself.  I hate it. So, I stay busy, travel, do anything to keep my mind off of it. I think that may have hurt me though.  Last year I attended a Seminar in Washington DC for Military Survivors and one thing that a speaker said that sat with me was that you can never escape grief.  You can put it off for days, months, years, but one day it will come back and you will have to deal with it.  That is so true.  I used to have a problem crying in front of people because I did not want anyone to be uncomfortable around me, not know what to say, or just avoid me entirely so, I hid my feelings.  That is becoming harder and harder to do and I think it's because I've bottled it up too long.  I cry in front of people now which is weird for me but the tears just come out, I cannot even help it.  I cannot believe that in almost a month it will have been a year since my Corey was alive last.  A whole year.  I miss him, whole heartedly, longingly, hopelessly miss him.  I need him in my life.  I buy things to remember him by almost once a month, earrings, a "C" charm to put onto my necklace that I wear.  The same necklace that Corey gave me the first year we were married. I did not wear it everyday but when I did his whole face would light up and he would say how happy it made him when I wore it.  I have not taken it off since February 22.

New Years day was not the only time during the holidays that I went to visit Corey.  We went on Christmas Day too.  I broke down in the car on the way into the cemetery.  That morning I remembered thinking I was cold so I went and turned the heater on and then it hit me, I'm warm and cozy.....and as aweful as it sounds, he was not.  He would never be again, and it was not fair.  I remember telling my Mom on Christmas Eve when she asked what our plans for Christmas was, I said, "Oh, you know, just what every 25 year old wants to do on Christmas day, going to visit my husband's grave". She was not quite sure how to respond to that but that was my fault.  I need to not be so bitter. 

I do not know what this new year brings but, I hope it is better than last year.  It's hard for me to say that 2012 was a terrible year as a whole because I had Corey Ann.  I just hope that this year is a little easier.

I kept wondering what I was going to do with my life now.  I knew what I wanted before but, that cannot happen anymore.  I started to realize that the best way to make myself feel better is to help others.  So, that's what I'm going to do.  I am going to do whatever I can to help others. Especially those whose shoes I have been in.  I cannot think of a better way to honor Corey than to be the best Mom I can be to his little girl, and to help others in any way that I can by volunteering my time and anything else that I can do for others.  That's my new dream.