What will people think of this?

What will people think of this?   That's a question I ask myself way too much.  It's agony.  It's tiring.  It's not fair.  Did anyone ever force me to ask that? Nope.  I think it just automatically comes with having a horrible tragedy happen in your family where a lot of people's feelings are involved.

I've heard a few quotes lately with the main point being, you don't actually start living until you are living for yourself.  If that's indeed true, then I have been doing a bad job of it lately.  You see, when you have a tragedy happen in your life two things are bound to happen.  Number one is, everyone who has ever known you will be there to show support and share kind words. Number two is, some, not all, of those people will then proceed to have an opinion on everything you do in relation to the tragedy.  It's really sad actually and it does not end with me.  The sad and daunting fact about the way that grief works is that it does not really show up until well after everyone else has moved on/thinks you are okay/thinks that enough time has passed.  I read a book recently about a widow whose husband was in the hospital and she had just basically been told that he was not going to make it.  She said that she could not cry, she could not shed one emotion, yet she did.  She was in the room with her parents and his and she threw her arms around him in the bed and yelled for him to please stay.  She even admitted that she did this even though she felt nothing at that moment (shock will do that).  She did it for everyone else.  She said that as soon as she did that, she felt everyone in the room sigh in relief.  This is the types of things that people who are grieving need to do.

Corey was my everything, as I have said a million times in this blog.  I know that.  I know it to my core and I feel it every single day the same way I did the day that I said "I Do".  But, here I am saying it over and over on a blog to people who some, barely know me, and some, who know me but may not completely understand how I feel, and why? Because, now that I have a boyfriend, and I smile.....often, I feel the need to PROVE it to people.  Well, that needs to stop. Why I feel that way, I don't know.  Maybe it is because there is always a guilt that widows, even parents feel when they are grieving and they feel that if they smile, while their loved one is dead, it means that it's okay and that they are over it.  It's no way to live. I am tired of wondering what people will think.  I am also tired of worrying....ALL THE TIME about whose feelings I will hurt next.  If you go out with your boyfriend/husband/friends and have some drinks, and you take a picture with them with a genuine smile on your face, do you stop before sharing it on Facebook or anything else and ask yourself, "Do I look too happy? Am I going to upset anyone with this?".  My guess is most likely you don't.  But, think about how stressful it would be if you had to.  I don't want to apologize for living.  Corey would be furious if I ever had to anyway.  That's why I am able to be happy.  His love for me was so strong and we had a marriage that some people dream of and guess what, that gives me so much confidence and strength to know that.  I can go out into the world and know that no matter what I choose to do, he still loves me and is so proud of me.  It took me a long long time to get here but I am sure happy that I did.  It's time for this little Mommy to stop asking "What will people think of this?" and start asking,"What do I want?".  Because in order to honor my husband and be the best Mommy ever to his little girl, I have to live life the way I want to. The point here is this.  Grief is messy.  I have not had a big problem with the topic I am talking about as much as some widows I have met.  It's sad.  Not only did they lose their husband but they also lost a long laundry list of other things. Those include; their identity, their dreams of the future, their privacy, and the parent of their children. So, if you know anyone grieving, a sibling, a parent, a spouse, or anyone, please remember that you actually have no idea at all how you would handle it if you were in their shoes and applaud them for getting out of bed that day. They deserve it! :)  I love my husband, always have always will and that will never change.  I know that in my heart, and guess what?  That's enough for me. 

Faith

We are within a week of the date marking two years since my Corey was taken from me. That day a lot was taken from me, and not only me, my daughter. My dreams of an uncomplicated family with one set of inlaws and a Mommy and a Daddy and a two story house with my husband and three kids all died with my husband. My dreams exploded over the desert in Arizona.  Another thing that I lost that day was my faith. It is not something that I speak of often because honestly, I'm angry. You hear about people being mad at God and I used to say that I never would be but that was before my perfectly healthy, do gooder husband was needlessly killed in a freak accident. To say that I've been "mad" at God is a very nice way to say it. That is sugar coating at its finest. I have been furious. I have cried, yelled, begged, screamed, and even, in some very dark moments, thrown things at walls in anger at God. Since it was indeed an accident I could not help but place blame on him. Why were bad people who belong in prison allowed to live and Corey was not?...........well a few months ago things started to change. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I think Corey is with him? Yes. Would Corey want me to be angry? No. There's a bible verse that states that "God grieves with us". It makes me think about that part in the movie "Bruce Almighty" where they are walking on the water and "God" (or Morgan Freeman) is telling Bruce the rules. You can't mess with free will. Bruce says,"Can I ask why?" And he says "Yes you can! That's the beauty of it". So it being that the accident was just that, an accident, I have come to terms with the fact that God did not have a hand in killing my husband. What I was really angry at was that he didn't stop it. But if he had, it would have been messing with free will. Which is something that we are promised. I want to find my way back to church. I want to be a good Christian who has no grudge against God. After all, if I'm right, God is my ticket to see my husband again someday, and that's the most amazing heaven I can possibly imagine. So this is me apologizing. Apologizing for being bitter, and angry for far too long. If I waste this life, waste my time with my daughter bring angry all the time, it would be doing Corey no justice. What would he  want? He would want his family happy. Can we ever be the same? No. But what we can do is take this as a lesson about how every single conversation, moment, day, phone call matters. You never  know when you won't be able to again and I promise you it will come out of no where and you will always be left wishing you had acted different, done more, said more, and showed more love.  What I forgot to do in all of my anger was thank God for the chance to have even met Corey, to know love as deep as I did, to have met someone who changed me so so much for the better and made me a much better person, and for my amazing piece of him, our daughter. I did what people often do, I looked at the bad and focused on that. I miss my husband every single day. He was my best friend. We laughed together, cried together, and shared everything. To lose him felt like I also lost myself. My life literally revloved around him and I absolutely loved every single second of it. Whatever fire I had burning inside of me felt as if it had been completely blown out on February 22,2012. I am starting to see the sun through the clouds though. It's not cliche to say that Corey would want me to be happy. Would he want his child growing up with nothing but sad, negative people around her just so that she could grow up to be sad and negative? NO WAY. Corey was the most positive person I knew and he would want that for his family. Happiness. So from now on I won't feel bad for trying to be happy. I used to feel as if it was dishonoring him if I smiled too much or didn't cry for a day but now I realize that it would be dishonoring him to not make the most of this life and teach his daughter how good the world can be. Even with all of the bad things that happen. There is still so much good out there. I'm going to honor Corey by being the happiest I can possibly be and teaching Corey Ann to live this life to the fullest. Now for the things that I am grateful for,which is a nice change from listing everything that I lost, my parents who have stood by me and been there for me through all of my hard times, my family who has been extremely supportive, my "Little" family who have been my go to people when I am at my absolute worst (since they are really the only ones who know what I'm feeling), my friends who have listened to me for hours while I had my struggles with anxiety and have been very supportive through everything, my daughter who puts a smile on my face everyday even if she does make me want to pull my hair out sometimes ( I think that's all Mom's) , and last but not least, Kevin. As many times as I have been moody, sad for no reason, bitter, grumpy, compared him to Corey, and anything else you can imagine, he stays and continues to be there for me. Not just me. For Corey Ann as well. He even changes nasty diapers which in my book makes him a keeper for sure! Thank you for all of you. I love you all. With all of your help, that fire is slowly reigniting. I couldn't have done it without you. Also, thank you God for all the gifts you have given me. I was lost for a little while but, I'm finding my way back.

I'll Just Pour My Heart Out

I sometimes catch myself silently editing everything that I say and do so that people don't think I need "to talk to someone".  I figured that after a while, everyone would eventually get tired of me going on and on about how much I miss Corey, how sad I am, etc.  I stopped for OTHERS and I am not doing that anymore.  I am still a mess.  I hide it well and recently I realized, why in the heck am I hiding this?  I was widowed at 24 and three months pregnant.  I have every right in the world to be a mess for as long as I need to be.  I am strong yes, this I know, but everyone is entitled to weak moments.  Those weak moments are the only reason that I am able to put on a brave face and be strong.  Don't just think, oh she's dating again, looks like it's going well, and write the situation off.  Yes, I am dating Kevin.  Yes things are going well.  What people do not know is how many times I get upset with him because he is not doing something EXACTLY as Corey would.  That is not fair to anyone and although I know it is most likely normal, he does not deserve it.  He is extremely understanding though.  He never gets mad about it, he just says he is sorry and he understands.  Where he came from I have no idea but it amazes me.  One night a few weeks ago I broke down and started crying (as I do often) and he sat and listened to me cry about Corey and go through the entire day leading up to the accident, the last time I saw him, and then when I got notified.  He just sat there and listened.  Two days ago I all of a sudden was in a frenzy to find my wedding video (the full length one, not the ten minute montage).  I just NEEDED to see him laugh, see his mannerisms, see him look at me like he used to.  I put it on and Kevin watched the entire thing with me.  How many men would do that?  I am very blessed to have such a great support system.  If I am having a bad day, I can call my Sister in law or my Mother in law and know that if they can, they will talk to me and even cry with me.  They are having a very hard time still as well.  We don't show it anymore though.  We view it as an "annoyance".  But to us, everywhere we look, especially them still living in the house that Corey grew up in, we are reminded of him.  I look at my daughter and she looks so much like him.  When I hold her is the only time I feel close to complete again. I have been to many different psychiatrists and counselors and to be honest, I don't think that they can do anything to help me.  It is something that needs to be open and healed, not something to put a bandaid over and hope it goes away.  We are still lost.  This is not only to let you know that this is how we feel, but for anyone who has lost someone.  If you have a friend or family member that has lost someone, please do not just assume that they are "okay" because they seem that way in public.  Us widows and grieving parents are practically trained professional actors.  I miss my life, I miss my husband, I miss my friends out there in California.  I miss my tiny apartment.  But, because this is how things have to be, there is nothing I can do to change it, I am grateful for all of the people who are always there for me.  I am sorry if I may have been a burden this past year.  I am dealing with a lot and you are all angels for sticking around for my moodiness and my breakdowns.  I love you all!

A Year and a Half Later

.........I remember waking up and looking over at the empty side of the bed and turning to look at the alarm clock to see what time it was. It was 4:30am, and he was not snoring next to me where he was supposed to be.  I remember sitting in my bed two hours later searching the internet for a news story that I prayed I wouldn't find, and in the midst of my search, the doorbell rang.  Before it finished ringing, my whole body was shaking.  I knew.  I had exactly 5 seconds (the amount of time it would take me to walk from my bedroom to my front door) to pray it was Corey and his hands were too full to unlock the door, but somehow, I just knew.  My hands were shaking and I just knew as I opened the door and saw the uniforms that my simple life would never ever be the same.

That day plays over and over in my head.  Actually, not even the whole day.  Just the part before I opened the door and right before they spoke the words "Mrs.Little, I regret to inform you that your husband was involved in a helicopter crash and has passed away." Then, it's like a switch goes off.  Everything before that was a different life.  When I think about the walk from my bedroom to the front door, even now, I get that shaky feeling and my heart starts racing.  It is just like in the movies, which made it even more unbelievable.  I waited a good six months before I decided that this was reality and stopped praying before I went to bed every night that tomorrow would be the morning that I woke up from the nightmare and whatever lesson there was that had to be learned, I learned it.  I learned what was important.  I learned how important seeing his smile every morning as he was kissing me bye was. I learned to truly appreciate everything he did for me, but it was too late for me to tell him thank you like I should have every single day.  I know he knew it, but it's still nice to hear it.

A lot has changed these past 18 months.  I am a Mom to a wonderful little girl who looks more and more like her Daddy every single day, I have a nice house, I have family near by, I am closer to my in-laws than I ever have been, and one change that is not as good as the others, I view the world differently.  I usually am against putting my business all out there, especially about personal things but, it is my hope that this will help others in my situation.  I went about a year and two months without actually talking to someone.  I was in the car on the way to Atlanta in April and I knew that when I got there I was going to tell them that I had just started dating someone.  I did not want to hide that from them because it would hurt even more if they found out from someone else.  I made it just into Mississippi before all of a sudden I was short of breath, I was having chest pain, my entire left arm started hurting, and I thought, Oh my gosh, I am having a heart attack.  I called my stepmother who was closest to where I was at the time and she met me at the nearest emergency room.  They took my blood pressure, it was extremely high.  Usually it is very low.  They did chest x-rays, an EKG, a CAT scan, and lab work.  They could not find anything.  I automatically thought, no, they are missing something because I feel like I am about to die.  The doctor suggested one more test just to be sure, so I got an Echocardiogram to be 100% sure that it had nothing to do with my heart.  It came back perfect.  So, they told me that I had anxiety.  I laughed at first.  I never actually viewed it as something "real".  I thought people made that stuff up for attention or something and I sure as heck did not think it could cause insane physical symptoms like that.  I continued on my search for months, thinking there had to be another explanation.  Once I had that first attack, they kept coming for a while.  I thought I had low iron so I took iron supplements, I thought I had a B-12 deficiency and took those vitamins, I had my thyroid and cholesterol levels checked. Everything came back fine.  Finally I went to to the right kind of doctor, a counselor.  I guess when you are 25 you never think about death or rare things happening and when death is just thrown in your face, it makes you look at your own mortality.  He was here one day and gone the next, so now I know that things can happen.  I guess it terrified me.  I am still working on that.  Still working on calming myself down.  I need to ban myself from WebMD.  I miss my care free self.  I miss feeling healthy.  I am getting a lot better as time goes on but, I am still on edge a lot.  So, that being said, I need to keep things as stress free as possible.  I am going to start doing things for me and my baby and if it makes me happy, I'm going to do it.  No one else has to walk in my shoes so it really should not matter if they approve or not.  If I do not start thinking that way, I will never be happy.  I am trying my best to make the best of a horrible situation.  Just because that happened should not mean that all the dreams I had for my life are impossible.  No, they cannot include Corey, which is so heartbreaking for me, but I know in my heart of hearts he would be so happy for me, and so proud of me for how I am handling the situation.  I have come to the conclusion that as long as I know he is proud of me and that he would approve, that is all that matters.  He knew me best.  Gosh do I miss him.  I still talk to him, and I hope he listens.  He has a lot of talking to do when I get there, because I have had a lot of one sided conversations this past year and a half but I know that he will be there with a smile on his face in many many years down the road when I see him again, and he will tell me everything that I have been wanting to hear.  If you are a new widow, which I am friends with quite a few and it's so sad how many there are, the best advice I have for you is, stop thinking that you need to answer to everyone.  You need to make yourself happy.  You need only answer to your husband and you know what he would want for you.  Everyone else gets to keep on living semi normal lives but you need to do what makes you happy because you know, like me, how very precious every single day of this life is.  Make it count.


I love you Corey, forever and always. NOTHING will ever change that.

What we widows really think....

I am sorry for how all over the place this post is going to be.  I have not written in quite a while and decided that it was time.  A lot has been happening lately!  Corey Ann is crawling extremely fast, she is into everything, she can stand up and scoot around a coffee table and such, she has three teeth at the bottom and two almost out at the top, and she goes around saying "Mamamama" all day everyday.  In the Mommy department you could say things are going extremely well! But, I will say honestly that in the grief department, things are not as well as I would like.  At this point I have been to two TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) seminars and a widows retreat.  One thing that I have heard over and over is that the second year is almost harder than the first.  I never really understood how that could be until now. 

The first year I was able to control my emotions pretty well.  I think it was a combination of shock and me trying so very hard to always be strong.  I have come to the conclusion though, that at some point our bodies just decide, okay, enough is enough, we need to deal with this. When that point comes, you cannot control it.  It feels like Corey was just here and that he has been gone for so so long all at the same time.  Pretty crazy stuff.

Now, I am sure that everyone to some extent "fabricates" their Facebook.  If we all put EVERYTHING we thought on Facebook not only would we probably annoy everyone and most likely offend some people, but we wouldn't be able to make everyone believe that our lives are so stinking perfect like we try so hard to show that they are on Facebook.  I do this too.  "Look at Corey Ann and I laughing and playing!!! She's so perfect" (which she totally is but that is beside the point). Now, if I wrote "Oh my goodness, Corey Ann would not go to sleep until two AM and she was crying and I was crying and then she pooped and it got all over me....then I cried some more and stomped my feet like a two year old because I am tired of being an adult and just want to go to sleep", people would gasp! (No one likes a complainer) lol.  I will be brutally honest here, it would be very upsetting to read my real thoughts.  But, I need an outlet so here they are.

I am in a relationship as everyone can see.  Actually, things are going very well! We have been together almost six months and he is very understanding and patient.  He adores Corey Ann and she loves him.  He helps me around my house and even changes her dirty diapers sometimes (if you are a Mom, you know just how awesome that is).  I am happy with him.  Now, does that mean that I don't miss Corey? ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I am still 100% in love with my husband.  It is honestly the weirdest thing that I have ever experienced.  I am with Kevin and we are doing great but I know for a fact (which is a good thing in my eyes) that I will always love Corey and miss him like crazy. We went to Pensacola, FL recently and I started to tear up whenever I saw a sign for Pensacola Naval Air Station.  Corey was there for three months while he was training and I would drive out every single weekend and see him.  All of the road signs and movie theaters and malls got to me.  I sat and wished, let me please go back to that simple time.  I still cry, actually now more than I did because I can't hold back anymore.  I get so upset when Corey Ann does something new and once again, he is not here to see it.  I will never get to see his amazing smile when he sees her smile at him.  I am sad for myself because I don't have my perfect little family like I wanted to with the Mommy and Daddy and three kids and a cute little house with a nice big mortgage and a big SUV and we go on trips to visit Grandma and so on and so forth.  I also get sad for Corey.  He missed out on so much.  This is not "Poor Nicole".  In my eyes, it's "Poor Corey" because he doesn't get to be here with us where he should be.   He missed out on raising his amazing little girl.  That, to me, is so so horrible.  She got cheated.  He would have been such an amazing Dad. 

I guess what I am trying to get across here is this.  Grief is hard.  Everything that goes along with it is hard. People who are grieving, unless they just cannot find another way of coping, will usually not let you know just how horrible they feel or how hard it really is.  That is for their benefit as much as yours.  When I started this "journey" every time someone saw me they got this sad look on their face.  I used to just call it "the look".  It was the "oh you poor thing I have no idea what I would do if that happened to me" look.  I hated that look.  I would rather some girl I've never met give me a nasty look from across the room than have someone give me "the look".  So, I eventually started putting on the "I'm fine" face so I would not have to console people around me.  It gets exhausting.  Not only am I worried about myself and how I am feeling, I am always worried about upsetting or hurting other people's feelings.  Corey's family is so so important to me.  I would not have made it through the last year and a half without them.  I have every intention of making sure that they get to see their grand daughter as much as possible because I know Corey would have wanted that and I love them as well.  They make me feel closer to him.  The problem comes in when I add another person to the mix.  Every time I post something on Facebook or talk about Kevin to them, I worry about how it will make them feel.  But, on the contrary, I cannot very well "hide" my relationship with Kevin either because that is not fair to him at all.  So, my life is a constant balancing act.  I am trying my best to make it all work!  I wish there was a rulebook for this situation. 

Another new development is that I have begun to get a little "bitter" about things.  I am pretty sure it is a part of the grieving process but frankly, I wish it would go away.  I have started wondering lately, what is the point of life? (Not in a "I don't want to live anymore" way AT ALL).  More in a, I want to know the reason for all of this. Which, I'm sure everyone else does as well at some point or another.  My Mom answered the question with, "To spend time with those you love and create lasting and good memories".  In which I responded,"Why? So one day I can attend their funeral?".  It's a sad way to look at things and I'm pretty sure it is just a phase but, this whole situation has shaken me to my core. I do not look at the world the same way I used to.  In some ways that's good but mostly, it made me worry more, and have a reason to question my faith and my purpose.  I used to look at the world with such hope.  I used to believe that anything good could happen, all of my wildest dreams could come true.  Now, I worry that every bad thing that can happen, will, and that all of my nightmares will come true.  Grief sucks. 

I am just going to go with what I have been saying all along.  The best way, I think, for me to help myself and feel that I have a purpose is to help others.  I love volunteering and helping others, especially girls who are just starting this awful journey.  Would I have been able to do that before? Probably not. Maybe that is my purpose. I did not know how very precious love and life were before and I am a better person for having learned those lessons but, I sure do miss the optimistic, fun loving, worry free Nicole that I used to be......maybe with enough time and me feeling good about helping others and raising my baby girl, I'll find her again.

Not Moving On....Moving Forward

I have contemplated a lot about whether or not I should write this blog post.  I finally came to the decision that, although I don't "owe" anyone an explanation, I will share this with everyone anyway. 

I spent the last year being the most upset, distraught, and lost as I have ever been in my life and hopefully will never feel that way again.  As time went on I would have a good day every now and then only to be left feeling guilty for not having a day where I cried all day.  To be honest, and for those who have had to grieve the loss of someone extremely close to them will know this, grief is exhausting and very overwhelming.  So is always worrying about whether or not you are doing it right.  Truth is, there is no correct or incorrect way to grieve.  There is no timeline, there is not a rulebook. If there was, I would follow it to a T.  But, I am doing this blindly and I will say, I am trying my very best.

One thing I have struggled with a lot, which I wish I did not, is always worrying about what others think of me. I have come to learn after getting to know other young widows like myself that it is quite normal to worry about that.  I always feel that every move I make is being judged by someone.  I need to stop worrying about that and worry about my own happiness.  If not, I will drive myself crazy.  I will preface what I am about to say with this.  I love Corey and will love him for the rest of my life.  Nothing will ever change that and as long as I know that, that's all that matters. 

I have recently started dating someone.  To even write that sentence freaks me out because I know that soon, it will be read by someone who didn't know and I am honestly afraid of what people will think.  Should I be? Absolutely not.  Doesn't change the fact that I am.  I think though that 1. Corey would want me to move "forward" and to be happy and 2. I had an extremely hard year and few months and I deserve to be happy.  As much as it pains me to say, I could wait a year, two, five, ten, to start dating and no matter how long I wait or what I do or don't do, Corey cannot come back. 

I am only 25 so why shouldn't I get to live a full life?  Like I said, I think that Corey would want that for me.  In fact he told me he did when we had the "what if something ever happened to me" conversation while he was gearing up to deploy.  I always swore I would never ever be with anyone else.  I told him I would be a cat lady and never get out of bed but, that is simply not realistic.  Also, I always imagined that if something were to ever happen to one of us, it would be when we were much older, not 24 and 25.  I will continue to love him and honor him as long as I live though.  I will continue to be a huge part of the Little family no matter what happens in my life, they are still my family.   I will always do runs and anything else I can in honor of him.  I just do not think that I should have to be alone forever to "prove" to some people that I still love my late husband.  I do hope that things work out with this guy.  He is extremely sweet, very sensitive to the situation, has a lot of respect for Corey, and is great with Corey Ann. 

I got the courage to write this blog, as well as tell Corey's family about me being with someone, from talking it out with tons of other widows.  I want to say thank you to all of you for giving me the strength to do it.  I was terrified of making people upset with me.  Now I know, and hope, that people just want the best for me.  Thank you also to everyone who has been there for me for the past year and 2 months.  You have no idea how much it means to me to have such amazing people in my life!! I love you all!! 

A Year in Review

I have had a lot that I felt I have had to get out these past few days.  As February 1st got closer and closer I started to get more and more nervous about how I would feel about the one year anniversary of Corey's passing coming up.  I feel the need to warn you that this post will not be a pleasant one, but I just need to vent.  So, please don't read any further if you are not sure that you can handle it.

This past year I have done a lot of things that I had never imagined having to do, ever, much less at age 24.  When I should have been at an appointment with my husband that we scheduled so that we could find out the sex of our baby together, I was being handed a piece of paper stating what remains of my husband was found and it's condition.  (The absolute worst moment of my life after being notified he was gone).  Instead of going out to Babies R Us and picking out things for our little girl, I had to pick out my husband's casket. I had to fill out paper after paper and read "deceased" over and over again.  I had to make decisions, some really hard ones. I had to tour multiple cemeteries, decide if I wanted the option or not to be able to be buried next to him when the time came, plan a funeral, and everything that goes along with that.  I had to get dressed up and attend my husband's funeral.  I faced people who did not know what to say to me, and the ones I did speak with, I cannot remember what was said.   I felt like I was in a nightmare and no matter how many times I pinched myself (and at one point even slapped) I was not going to wake up from it.

I never thought that I was capable of any of that, much less going through labor knowing he was not ever coming back, bringing our daughter to a house that he would never live in, and being a single Mom.  In that respect, I have actually amazed myself.  Corey used to always tell me I was a strong person and I never believed him.  I guess I am proving him right.  There is a difference though, between being strong and being alright.  I am strong, yes, but I am not alright.  I do what I need to.  I take good care of my little girl, I pay my bills, I function.  I also cry, a lot.  I can never tell anymore when I am going to but some days are worse than others. Am I doing better than I was a little less than a year ago? Well, yes and no.  See after I was notified and for quite a long time after I was still in complete shock.  I simply could not grasp the fact that I, Nicole Little, at the age of 24, had fallen madly in love, gotten married to the man of my dreams, got pregnant, and before we had very much time to be excited about the pregnancy, my husband died.  It is not something that comes easily and to be honest, I simply could not believe it.  Maybe I went crazy for a little while.  Maybe my body did that so that I could have a safe pregnancy.  Grief never gets easier, it just gets different.  Does it sting as much as it used to? No.  If you kept getting hit in the same spot for a year, the damage would be there, but you would be numb.  That is how I feel.  Like I said though, I amaze myself every single day.  I cannot believe that I am able to do the things that I am doing.  I always swore I would be one of those people that gave up on life and never got out of bed if anything were to happen to my Corey but, when it comes down to it, (as one of my friends who has been through this too said) that is not realistic, and Corey would not want that for me.  At the end of this month I will be doing a run in memory of Corey in Disney World.  It will be a hard day but I am doing something that I can feel good about. 

All I want for my life is to make Corey proud.  I want to help people, be a great Mom, put others first, and stay positive.  Will it be hard? Extremely.  Will I get discouraged and fall apart sometimes? Definitely.  But, I will do it, and I will give it all I've got.  I want to live a life worthy of what he had to sacrifice, and I have already come further than I ever imagined I could.